tiff's riff

green solar eclipse.comes around once every 51 years.

2009-07-22T05:33:00.000-07:00

highlight of the day: i saw a solar eclipse at 9:45 in the morning.: ) i was looking at it through one of those electrical construction masks (the kind that has a tiny glass slit for the eyes). this person on the street let all of the TAs use it.the kids all lined up to peek through it.

my first reaction was: "wow it's green."
ricky's first reaction was:"wow! it's green!"

haha i love how we said the same exact thing.i'm really going to miss that kid come august. he's not going to the august camp so...i have exactly 4 more days left as his teacher.: |

currently caught up in a lot of decoration work. i perfected the cover and table of contents page for their worksheet workbook. finished the posters and name tags. have to make one set of the name tags 3D for table decoration. mm. i'll do that tomorrow. just need to breathe non-work air right now. i've been feeling a bit suffocated these past two days because of the multitude of tasks and deadlines - i feel like a robot when i'm not hanging out with the kids. which reminds me - i should go find some string for tomorrows Arts and Crafts. i'm teaching them how to make dream catchers. snap. i should have started cutting up the plastic bottle rims. i should also learn how to make an actual dream catcher in case the sink netting doesn't turn out right.

speaking of netting, i am quite frustrated and annoyed at the dress code for next mondays presentation day. apparently, the teachers (3 of the 4 are guys) decided that the girl TAs should wear netting leggings and be "sexy pirates." i find that very disturbing and am very uncomfortable about the whole idea. when they first told us that we were supposed to dress as pirates, i was okay with it because i've done it before for x-dress day back in high school (dressed up as Johnny Depp) so i was teaching the rest of the TAs how to dress for it. now they want the girls to wear netting leggings. THE CRAP. i refuse. i'm going to try to negotiate - but i have a feeling the two other TAs will be too obedient to try to go against the idea. i tried to talk to them about it today; they just think it's inappropriate for the parents to see us wearing that. one of the teachers said:" yeah it's very sexist." i agree but i don't think he'll tell the staff to change the dress code. i'm just infuriated at the staff for agreeing to the teachers' decision. no one seems to have a mind of their own at the workplace; they just work.

yang luh duoh ice and an unsettled mind

2009-07-18T05:13:00.000-07:00

我還是想不通為甚麼我臉的狀況一直沒辦法好. ||-.-||

I've tried and done everything I can
But just from looking at my appearance
Others can't possibly understand
I am persistent and I do value cleanliness
But how come all my efforts seem in vain?
It has become a real pain
to look into the mirror and see no progress
It makes me wonder if I'll ever have a clear complexion
and what will happen if I continue as I am
the pimples may never fade
their scars i will wear with shame
because everywhere i go people ask me
why is it that my skin is so bad?
what's worse is they try to compliment how beautiful i am
but unfortunately, your facial skin kills your chances
what chances? why does a person's face weigh so heavily in the world?
i feel like a prisoner, trapped behind a blemished wall
i pound and chip, i try to make it fall
but it just stands there, strong and determined
to keep me discontent and exhausted
from trying too hard.

HAHAHAHA.: )

2009-07-17T04:30:00.000-07:00

dorothy's family portrait.ROFL.

I love this candid shot. kids being kids.

the mother and father. hahahahha.
friends again. God does discipline those He loves. It's always for our good.: )

One of the really baller things that happened today was when i carrying the mini mountains for the Neverland model down to the office. I realized that "with faith even as small as a mustard seed you can move mountains." it wasn't a coincidence that i happened to be "moving mountains" and witnessing good teamwork among my students during arts and crafts time. i enjoy working with them so much on my own. it gets really tiring but i wouldn't want it any other way. maybe cut out the C.C. letters and morning exercise time (yeah joyce, one of the main staff members, complained that i made them dance too much. i prepared a game of charades but i was too lazy to switch from dancing to a game so haha. it requires changing positions for the kids which takes them around a whole minute). yeah i'm getting quite annoyed at all the complaints that the staff members give me but i'll just cope with it because i'm only a T.A., not a full-time teacher.humbling down and taking orders is something i need to learn.

jealousy, patience and overreacting.

2009-07-16T05:04:00.001-07:00

there's this kid called Jonathan who keeps bullying Ricky. It irks me like crazy because i don't like punishing both of them for "fighting" but i don't want to be overly biased towards Ricky (he's the much better kid in my opinion). But the next time i see him punching him, I'm going to send him to the office. seriously - i hate how bigger kids bully others. they single them out and prevent other kids from playing with him. why does anyone have the power to do that? it's so hard to discipline one child with so many others trying to get my attention.

this bullying is definitely stemming from jealousy. ricky has way better english because he spent two years in singapore. he's also two years younger and is more of a teacher's pet than jonathan is. i guess it may also be because i pay more attention to him because he's more loveable. they used to sit together and take pictures together on field trips; now they just hate each other. : |

i'm also having my own issues with jealousy of this future co-worker at A.E. she spends the whoel day in the office even though she's not working yet. she'll be a T.A. in august so i'll be seeing her for the rest of the summer. i better get this jealousy out of my heart or else i'm going to be very miserable come August. i guess i have a hard time liking her because for one, she has a clear complexion; secondly, she's the same height as me, around the same size, has long curly hair, is super girly and quiet. i know she's really smart because she's going to tai dah and she translated "charlotte's web" when she was in 5th grade (means she's very famous and probably popular among her peers). i don't know her very well but somehow, she irks me. her presence at work ticks me off for no reason. she happened to be using the computer i was using today when i was trying to print the pictures for the Communication Corner letters (weekly behavior reports.my least favorite thing about work) and i nearly blew up when i went into the computer lab. i was already flustered because of the malfunctioning printer and all the time i was wasting and seeing her there was just...yikes. it was quite tense when i told her to get off the computer for a moment. hm. anger management.

patience is dying; i really want to punch something at times. i can't control my tongue; i just want to take control and force everything to go my way. it's very immature and selfish but i find myself doing it so much at work. i can't stand being governed by the staff members for very long without giving them a hard time with my vague answers and forgetfulness. oh dear.

there's a kid called patrick who keeps touching me (more than he should.seriously). it irks me that he's seems so young but is actually more mature in his thinking (or emotional development). i'm trying to keep my distance - if it continues, i'm going to tell teacher joe or ask for someone's advice. i don't understand why this is happening but it might be because he lacks physical touch at home and is very needy of it. i guess it just bothers me because he's a boy and i'm 10 years older than he is.

third and last outing for july.

2009-07-15T06:24:00.001-07:00

we went to...taipei (surprise surprise haha) today. it was right next to the place we went to last week. time for puppet-making.

i told my kids to bring their sunglasses.: )

naughty and angelic.reversal of roles.

he made a vampire for his puppet. dang what a coincidence.: ) vampire studies haha.

cutest girl in my class. she sat on my lap for the group picture.: )

dude ricky is so cute.

cuteness.: )

the girls having lunch.

oh man. this is hilarious.

front side of robot statue.chained prisoner.

haha i had no idea i looked that confused when helping the kids tie the puppet strings. thanks kenny.

playing in a robot statue band. haha i wish i could actually play saxophone.

kenny and i got really bored during the museum tour so we were playing around with the puppets.

so concentrated.haha.

I really love my class and am going to miss them next month.i wish i could teach them for another month but i have to switch with kenny.: |

work continues on a happy beat.

2009-07-14T06:26:00.000-07:00

picture of the day.this is jonatha's movie report for the movie Enchanted.

I would post some more pictures from today but I was using one of the staff members camera because I left my memory card at home. Which reminds me - I better go put it in my bag right now or else I'll be dead meat - outing tomorrow again.

The next two weeks are picking up speed - the final production and exhibition is on the 27th (12 more work days). for now i need to:

-pick out colors for 5 posters (actually only using 3)
-think of something else to do along with making hats for next weeks arts and crafts
-make a cover for their workbooks

then for later on:
-decorate and finish the exhibition posters
-actually make the crafts and keep them in good condition until exhibition day
-print out 10 or so copies of the cover after getting approval from the TA manager

so this is what work is like. haha many deadlines and a huge responsibility - it's not even about the fear of getting fired; it's about making sure you don't get slaughtered by the parents of the kids.

a snippet of what the kids have been practicing.

2009-07-13T05:31:00.003-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-aE8NXJHI8

this is by far my favorite part in the play.: ) love the narrator.

2009-07-13T04:12:00.001-07:00

(these two cute kiddies were practicing how to be the evil duo in the play. i present to you the wicked witch of the east and her flying monkey)

I experienced a pinch of jealousy today...for a girl I only met briefly. It was by far the weirdest case of jealousy I've ever felt - first of all, I don't even know her that well. second of all, she is in no way an offensive person or obnoxious by any change. it's weird. I'm finding it hard to explain but I do believe God is using this encounter with her as a test for my maturity. I know that come fall, many new people will be on campus. There will be many chances where I may be tempted to fall into jealousy - I finally understand why the sophomore girls in AIV were quite cold towards me and some of the other freshman girls in the beginning of the year. some of it has to be attributed to jealousy. too much attention poured onto the new people can make the old members bitter from jealousy. I'll really have to watch out for this during next year.
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Jolin as Dorothy.: )

one of my favorite shots of the day. they were playing"freeze" where you have to do a certain pose when the music stops. this is just hilarious.: )

spelling bee champions of the day. daniel nailed this one though.: )

oh jonathan.as the brainless scarecrow. he didn't get to have a snack today because he kept bullying the smaller boys.

new haircut.

2009-07-12T01:31:00.001-07:00

short hair does emphasize my eyes a lot more. i guess it's a good change since i consider my eyes as my best feature.

so this is what i'm going to look like for a good two months (my hair grows pretty slowly). i'm planning on cutting it even shorter before i leave taiwan in september. i love how summer is long enough for me to experiment with different looks and hobbies. yeah so far i have 5 pages down of fiction. woot woot.

T.G.I.F. : )

2009-07-10T05:38:00.001-07:00

5-day work week is over...for this week.: ) It's weird - I find it more difficult to deal with the teacher than the students. The Language Arts teacher doesn't have his heart in his work and it really shows. Constant complaining, swearing and making negative comments gets very irritating. It doesn't help that I have a pretty bad impression of him when I went to the second day of work training - he overslept and came in looking like he wanted to be somewhere else, far away. He hates Michigan (he spent a year studying in Grand Rapids) but I wore my Michigan shirt to work today anyway.
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My favorite time of day is lunch hour and 5-5:30 (chinese hw time) because I get to spend time with the kids alone. Since I brought speakers for morning exercise today, I turned on my ipod and told them we were having a "secret party." They really enjoyed themselves; the naughtiest boy Jonathan was actually dancing to the music. Yeah I'm definitely trying to make them feel like the "cool" class since they're the oldest in the whole summer camp. Yeah, I have to keep things hyped up or else they're going to be bored out of their minds. It is their summer break - I want them to have fun as well as learn English.
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There are too many funny things that happen during the week; I manage to jot down some of them in my notebook but a lot of the times I just take time to laugh and enjoy the moment. I finally understand what true "infectious laughter" is now - a child's innocence in action. Haha through my reflections on how my "like" is slowly developing into love for these kids, I wonder if this is just my "maternal" side coming out. I like to think of it as getting a greater glimpse of God's love through my role of disciplining (or babysitting). I'm starting to understand how much trouble I've put my parents through my rebelliousness and constant blabbering about nonsense (haha I mean, kids just spit out the most random stories and they don't wait for others to finish first - they just talk).
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I have a piano prodigy in my class.: ) He's a cute kid called Daniel. He left the school for an hour today to compete in a piano contest and took home second place. woot woot.: ) so proud of him - piano is one of the things i gave up at the early age of 11. i hope he can persist through and master that beautiful instrument. He's the kind of boy who will hold the door for others and walk last in line, get chopsticks for me and other people who don't regularly bring chopsticks, throw the trash bag away at the end of the day, participate in every activity, laugh a lot about everything and say some of the funniest things.

there's another kid called Ian who is very smart and kind as well. he's a good kid - he's only going to be here for another week though.: | yeah i hate how my students come and go - but there are those who are always there. all the boys in my class are pretty lighthearted and energetic. they keep the classroom atmosphere upbeat and happy.

i find it a bit harder to mesh with the girls on a personal level because two of them are a bit reserved. for example, this one girl Joanne never wants to go play on the playground during recess. it's very hot on the roof but the other kids don't seem to mind as much as she does. she likes hanging around with the teachers - this is a sign that she might not have many friends her own age in the camp. so hopefully she'll learn how to play with other kids her own age - she's an only child so this might be more of a problem for her since she's not used to seeing kids in her own home.

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meet Jolin: )

this cute kiddie is only going to 3rd grade but she's in the 4th grade level class. i love her to bits - she's playing Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz play at the end of july and she's a great actress. Super cute and photogenic. She's the same height as Ricky (119 cm.seriously. i'm taller than him when i'm sitting down. it's hilarious). it's the cutest thing when they play together. she's been absent for two days already - i hope she comes back on Monday haha.: )

2009-07-09T07:00:00.000-07:00

"If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness." - 2 Cor. 11:30

"To keep me from being conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Cor. 12:7-10

Weakness. Something I would rather never mention to anyone because I hate being vulnerable. I hate the feeling that I'm getting tossed around by others because I don't have enough courage or wit to fend for myself. I'm scared of showing my worst side because I know human love cannot cover the multitude of sins I have. It makes sense that weakness is the strongest catalyst in helping us get back to God after some spiritual-straying.

However, I find myself boasting not of my weakness...or of Jesus. When people compliment me on something I've done or still continue to do, I usually thank them humbly, sometimes embarassingly, or modestly tell them to not perceive me so highly. Whatever I end up doing, I never boast about my weakness. I mean, I can laugh at myself in retrospect about stupid and careless things I've done (believe me, there are so many I feel a bit embarassed now that I'm on the subject) but I'm mostly "boasting" about it to show others what I've been through and hopefully gain attention, sympathy or affection. My intentions are twisted - I definitely don't boast of my weaknesses for the sake of Christ.

i had a good day: )

2009-07-07T05:45:00.000-07:00

One of my best students Joy is leaving tomorow for Italy. This just makes me want to study abroad even more.: ) She's going for vacation - I'm happy for her but I wish she was staying because she's the class president.

She gave a whole lesson on "the different ways to sleep" today during lunch hour. The rest of the class enjoyed it thoroughly and guess what - they actually took naps today...on the table. Yes, it seems a bit unconventional but I don't see why not. Good thing the T.A. manager Tom didn't see us. That would have been bad.-.0

During recess, Joy kept acting like a duck in front of Kenny and me. we dubbed her as "quack quack."she continued to act silly and i decided to start giving her topics to act out. the funniest one was "meatball" because she hesitated for a split second before turning around in a circle then stopping with a fob hand sign and saying: "i'm a meatball." It was hilarious.: ) She made the heat on the roof playground bearable.

Needless to say, I'm going to miss having Joy discipline my class. She gave teacher Joe, me, Ricky and Amy cards in small red envelopes. On the note it said:

"Dear Teacher Tiffany,
Thank you for teaching me.

Your kid,
Joy.

I am so touched by the last line. It's funny because when I'm in charge of the kids when the teacher isn't around, i call them "my kiddies." but when i'm talking with kenny or other "adults," i say "the kids in my class." it's weird how i don't want to seem attached to them but i actually am. i think it's because most people hate or somewhat find the job of a teaching assistant SUPER annoying and tiring but...i love it. It kind of quirks me a little bit because i always saw teaching part-time as something easy and time-killing to do during the summer. however, these teaching experiences have proven to be rewarding in every sense. I'm really curious as to what God wants me to do with my future.

it's hard not to have favorites.but there's a reason why we do.

2009-07-03T05:55:00.000-07:00

meet ricky.: )

(on the playground during recess)
ricky:"teacher, what can't jam eat?"

before i have time to ask what, ricky goes: "traffic. because of traffic jam!"

this kid is so cute. partly because he's from singapore and he has the accent and also because he laughs so much. i really like kids who laugh a lot; it's just so heart-lifting. yeah it's weird how much i'm getting attached to these kids. it's only been three days but i've spent so much time with them already.

this morning, before morning exercise time ( i had to lead the kids in warm-up stretches and random dance moves, such as the "macrena"), i read a book to three of the kids in my class. in order to get them to read an English book, I had them all take turns reading. it worked pretty well and i'm glad my kids don't hate me haha. sometimes (well most of the time) it's hard to pay attention to all ten kids at once but i'm glad they trust me enough to ask me. multi-tasking is the skill i'm honing through this summer job. i have to remember to do so many things it's kind of insane but i'm getting by pretty well.

during "do the emotion on the page" activity.the emotion was "enraged."

yeah i'm starting to like this job. hopefully God will give me the persistence and a joyful heart for this job for the next couple of weeks (all the way till 8/25). less than two months. but it really isn't a bad place to be.

plus, it's nice to delegate orders (haha boss others around) now after being the one being ordered around all the time. so this is what it feels like to have a younger sibling. totally enjoying it while it lasts. i'm just thankful it's friday and i have tomorrow morning to sleep in.

i look like an elf but ricky is cute.

daily hilarity

2009-07-02T07:10:00.000-07:00

"pimples hold grudges. you pop them, they multiply."- me

kids can be so cute.
(during drama class facial expression acting activity)
teacher joe: "so imagine that you're at the beach. how do you feel? very relaxed right? like you're so cool."
student joy: "yeah when you go to the beach, you feel very relaxed.but when you come back, you feel worried because - you're black."

(both joe and i crack up and keep laughing for a good 10 seconds)
joe is laughing because he finds it funny how taiwanese people (esp. girls) are super afraid of becoming tan while caucasian people love getting tan. i'm laughing because it's funny how she says "you're black" as in "tanning" and not referring to a race. she definitely can't say that in the states but i think she's pretty safe here.

moving forward.means giving up even the best parts of the past.

2009-06-26T06:50:00.000-07:00

by giving up, i mean giving it to God and leaving the past where it's at. there's no sense in toying with it any longer - what could possibly be gained by being reminiscent or hating who you were before? Nil. As I sip this cup of homemade lemonade made by my mom, I ponder why it takes me so long to GET OVER something, to cut myself loose from it.

I guess I'm just a dreamer who thinks that something could always have gone differently if only...blah blah blah. eventually i get tired of thinking, mulling it over in my head. this whole process just makes me sick - i'd rather be doing something else, really. i should be reading a book, recording a song, maybe even getting an extra hour of sleep in before i start training for work tomorrow. the practical side always screams at my idealistic wandering thoughts to get out of this illusion i've trapped myself with.

okay. must -see concerts.

2009-06-24T07:19:00.000-07:00

-magnetic north
-jack johnson
-john mayer
-jason mraz
-taylor swift
-switchfoot

haha that's my list.now i will go ticket-searching: )

the joy luck recording session.

2009-06-23T06:36:00.000-07:00

2:43. With luck, I'll finish recording this song by 3. After tossing and tussling around with this one 1 min 30 minute song, it is 10 minutes to 4. an hour has gone by and the song has been mangled to a point beyond repair. I solemnly search through the trash on my computer and find the first version of the song, send it back into my itunes folder and listen to it with a skeptical heart.

Sometimes being a perfectionist just makes it harder; it sucks the joy out of playing a song. I guess i'm just too mistake-prone to record well. Nonetheless, I'll complete recording sometime this week. I must say it can be pretty frustrating.

i think i'm getting somewhere with recovery.yesssss

2009-06-21T20:23:00.000-07:00

my picture of improvement. believe me, it was a whole lot worse before. I won't show you so you won't be grossed out.

Hey please excuse the last post. I am not so bitter, if bitter at all. I don't think I've been better for the longest time (half a year I would say). Sleep and water have proven to be a faithfully good combination. Plus exercising (excessive sweating). Hm. The natural way to heal is still the most effective. I finished a book called" Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire." I highly recommend it to those who have become complacent Christians.

For one thing, it helped me put Urbana 09 into perspective. I shouldn't be going merely because a bunch of people received their calling from God at the conference. There's no location or situation that can force God to reveal Himself; He's everywhere, in everyone. It's time I started looking and listening with a sincere heart again.

This may seem like common sense or just plain basic but I never really thought about how the more we seek God, understand and raise our level of awareness for righteousness and love, the more He will equip us, manifest Himself in our lives and the lives around us. We have to want it first before God can do anything with and within us. Basic truths always get me; thanks, God for revealing this lesson to me this morning.

I need to get the laundry so I'll post later.: )

hm.i'm so human.

2009-06-20T03:27:00.000-07:00

Woke up at 5:30 this morning to send my sister off to the airport back to AA. Needless to say, my face is a mess; esp. since I squeezed all my pimples out. Seriously - I am so sick of looking into the mirror and seeing my face all dotted with red CRATERS and concave yellow BOMBSHELLS. I have to say it: this is a joke that has been played on me for way too long. I am getting quite bitter and annoyed at this whole healing face ordeal.

It's not a big deal, compared to so many other things but for some reason, it gets to me. It breaks my confidence down, it hinders me from wanting to take pictures, it is...NOT HEALING.

I don't mean to be pessimistic and spoiled about this little problem but it is trying my patience. Two dermatologists tell me different methods of curing my face - none of them work. This seems like a battle I can't win- I'm hoping that after reaching the worst condition possible, I will heal completely and have better skin than I had before. What a dreamer I am.

new love. LENKA: )

2009-06-19T19:00:00.000-07:00

"Knock Knock"-Lenka

A second
A minute
An hour
A day goes by
I'm hopin' 
Just to be by your side
I'm turnin'
The handle
It won't open
Don't make me wait
Cause right now 
I need your smile
Knock knock

Haha: ) It's such a cute song! I wonder how
old she is...probably early 20s. Favorite line:
"i need you smile, knock knock."


When life had locked me out
I turned to you
So open the door
'Cause you're all I need right now it's true
Nothin' works like you

AHAHAHAH. I've locked myself out so many times
I can totally relate. Much thanks for my friend
Aisyah for letting me stay in her room whenever
I needed to. 

Little louder
Little louder
Little louder knockin'
Little louder
Little louder

Haha I wonder why the person isn't opening.

A warm bath
A good laugh
An old song
That you know by heart
I've tried it 
But they all leave me cold
So now I'm 
Here waiting 
To see you,
My remedy 
For all that's 
Been hurting me.

Wow I can relate this song to my friends. This verse reminds me
of my friend Abbie. I've also slept on her couch
countless times this past year. She helped me through
some of the toughest situations and I will always be grateful
for knowing her.: )

You seem to know the way
To turn my frown 
Upside down
You always know what to say
To make me feel like everything's okay

Hm....I would say this bridge goes to Pearl. She has so much
wisdom (to me) and is always willing to share it with me. I love
her so much and can't wait to see her in Taipei sometime this coming week.


I just really like this song and wanted to share it with you guys.: )

evening talk.time for a walk.

2009-06-17T03:49:00.000-07:00

Rethinking the lyrics of "Be My Escape"-Relient K.

I’ve given up on giving up slowly
I’m blending in so you won’t even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention
It’s my one last shot at redemption
Cause I know to live you must give your life away

to become a matyr? a brave God-lover to the point
where it's okay for you to die?"for to live is
Christ and to die is gain."
-philippians

And I’ve been housing all this doubt
and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me
And even though there’s no way of knowing
Where to go
I promise I’m going because…

Haha trapped in a house.trapped inside of
ourselves, our selfish desires.
not literally.when i first heard this song when
i was 15, i thought of it
as a child being locked up in the house by the
 parents because of something the
child did. grounded is what you call it haha.

I gotta get out of here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get out of here
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

Sin. Problems. Mistakes. Human nature. Begging
God to help us out, always.
And He never fails to do so even though we are
 quite despicable.


I’ve given up on doing this alone now
Guess I failed and I’m ready to be shown how
You told me the way and now I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Yeah.self-sufficiency won't do..in the long-run.
the key is humility
and obedience to God. "Life sentence" refers to..
the life that we have on earth huh. Life isn't fair
because God made it that way - we are so sinful yet
God continues to love us without fail.Hm.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self-detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for you to do what you can with me
But I can’t ask you to give what you already gave.

Adam and Eve. Hostages we are to sin. "Forced to live." Even
though we have free will, we are still captives of sin
a lot of the time. Pray that God will have mercy on us
and use us to the max. That is true; we can't ask for
salvation when He has already given it to us. something
to mull over.

I fought you for so long
I should have let you in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin (oh)
But so were you
So were you

"saving my own skin." OHHHH God is trying
to save our skin as well!!! I get it.
I used to still think of the "you" as
a girlfriend so i thought the girl was trying
to save herself, like everyone else is.Haha.
I think when i first heard it, i forgot that Relient K.
is a Christian band. Wow i'm really starting to appreciate
how they weaved in God into this song. sweet.

how come it feels like I've been eighteen for the longest time?

2009-06-16T01:33:00.000-07:00

I know my birthday is ALMOST here but it seems like I've been waiting for this day to come for a long time. I just want to pass this birthday line and keep going. Kind of like a marker in my life I feel somewhat inclined to meet. Haha. It's a strange thing to be thinking about because birthdays are usually seen just as a reason to celebrate and go out with friends. True, true that's why I've always found birthdays very important and fun but there must be something more to it that I've been missing all these years.

When I was younger, I came up with the conclusion that my birthday takes longer than everyone else's to come because it's in the middle of the year. For example, people with birthdays in December feel like they keep turning another year older because right when they pass their birthday, a new year begins again and they are reminded of how they will be...well older. Haha. It all depends on how you perceive time. So seeing that my birthday is in June, I wait half a year to turn another year older, than another half year for the rest of the year to end so I can be closer to turning...well older.

Despite that, I'm glad to have done all the things I've done this past year and await for fill into the shoes of my new age: nineteen. The idea is becoming more familiar because I constantly think about it. It seems to make the time go slower. Thus, as I am typing up this post, I am still... eighteen. Wow.

a blogpost before the monday outage on blogger.com

2009-06-14T05:51:00.000-07:00

Honestly, I haven't been updating because I have nothing to blog about. You think you can live off of nonsense - THAT is nonsense. I'm not accustomed to talking when there's no circulating topic. I often let conversations die when I feel there is no more fuel to keep it burning. Haha. I guess I'm not too good at saying goodbye - I just run.

So many high school events have been happening this past week. I know a lot of my classmates have gone back and attended these but I've kept my distance. The only one I feel a little bit irked for missing was Unplugged. Some of my best high school memories happened there - Pot and Pan performances for one. Our most epic performance was actually our first and last: "Soco Ameretto Lime" and "3-course meal." Da-ang - I will never forget those two performances. Along with Unplugged, there's prom tonight at Lakeshore and graduation was on Wednesday. Even though Lakeshore hotel is right down from my house, I don't have the slightest desire to "go check it out" as an alum. Haha. I believe it's because I didn't enjoy three of the four proms I went to. I will now share with you the awkful (awkward and awful) memories of prom:

Freshman year - I decided to ask my friend Droo to the prom by folding a paper crane and giving it to him at choir. He knew what it was before he opened the paper crane - he said yes. We went together but I wish I didn't ask him because during the whole night, I just wanted to be dancing with someone else. Yes, foolish of me to give into peer pressure and suffer the consequences. I felt bad for constantly ditching him, but I just...didn't want to be with him.

Sophomore year - not much to say really. I enjoyed it : ) It was held in Chubei (different city) at a hotel called "Paris." The theme that year was Moulin Rouge so it was very appropriate.

Junior year- I was in charge of organzing the photos with Nancy. I was walking painfully in my heels the whole night, calling people to take their photos. It didn't help that people were late and all over the place. I had one hour of prom to dance and eat. Not very fun at all. I remember holding blue and yellow glowsticks and thinking "Michigan." Haha.

Senior year - it was raining that day and the location didn't offer cover. I was wearing a floor-length silk dress so when I got inside the building, I had rain stains on my dress. Luckily they dried before I had my pictures taken. Turns out the photographer was worse than the one we found for the seniors in my junior year. [shakes head]. I spent most of the night signing yearbooks in the dark. I was assigned to sit at a table I didn't sign up for - I wasn't able to sit with my good friends because of various reasons. This actually stirred up some furious emotions before prom but I just accepted it on the day since one of guys at my classmates' table refused to switch with me. He wasn't even in my class - this is what I found infuriating. Near the end of the night, my song dedication "Here's to the Night"-Eve 6 came up and needless to say, I was psyched. The juniors announced it as "the last song so go find your date" when it was actually the second to last song. Not one single person in my grade wanted to do a big circle thing - I sat out for that song because I didn't go with a date. Hm. Some tears fell because I felt very left out when the song was my gift to my classmates, except no one appreciated it because of miscommunication. I was too tired and fed up to go to the post-prom party so I went home and slept it off. Horrible prom I must say.

the last bits of may 09

2009-05-30T03:11:00.000-07:00

As this month comes to a close, I still can't believe I've been on break for almost a whole month now. One more month of chill time and it's work-time. I can't deny that even though it's exciting to be one year closer to being part of the actual "workforce," I'm pretty scared by the thought of it. I can't wait to go to Urbana 09 this year; I'm really hoping I'll have a better idea what I want to do during my undergrad years. This reminds me: I need to revise the classes I'm taking this fall. I need to get going with finding my major, calling - direction.

Summer has given me plenty of time to work on what I've been meaning to do, for example, my music. I have a long way to go for a polished 3rd album (including recording, designing the front cover, etc). But it's all for fun; I think I just give myself pressure so I'll finish something by a deadline since I was way too lax on myself this past semester. Hopefully I'll keep writing songs despite the circumstances I may find myself in.

I'm currently reading " A Spot of Bother" by Mark Haddon. It's pretty strange; the whole book revolves around a dysfunctional family in terms of their relationships with their spouses. I guess it's a little less dysfunctional compared to the family in "Running With Scissors." I can't believe they made that into a movie; I don't think I ever want to watch it on screen. Some things are better left on the page; haha by this I mean, controversial, more uncomfortable subjects.

it's nice to have calluses on my fingers again. : )

2009-05-27T03:14:00.000-07:00

So...it's been awhile since I've touched my guitar and played random songs I've written in the past. I love being able to do that, esp. after a whole year. I will enjoy my single next year; no doubt about it. : )

2 and 1/4 songs down. I actually re-discovered two other songs I could also put in the album; I wrote them during my freshman year in high school hahaha. It's a good thing I wrote a lot of random songs back in my first year of songwriting; it makes up for my lack of new songs this past year. I was more creative back then; it's a lot harder now to think of melodies and fitting lyrics to the melodies.

I can't wait to finish writing, practicing, recording, burning, organizing the whole CD. Which reminds me, I should probably start designing the cover. I only have 22 days left. sounds like a lot but it actually isn't. it's hard being an unprofessional songwriter because you have to do everything by yourself; usually music artists have producers and agents that help them do almost everything. all they have to do is sing and play. haha yeah.but then again they have to deal with every single possible social pressure out there; paparazzi, lack of privacy, record label rates, appearance, originality. DANG. i would never want to put myself in their position. i'm just doing this because it's a gift from God and i want to use it for His purposes. it's very enjoyable and i think God gave it to me because He wanted me to find true joy through this. yeah.: )

super quick post.

2009-05-24T07:44:00.000-07:00

been eating lots of good food. haven't been exercising as much as i should have so this means that i'm still...me.

i love the birthday presents i've been getting so far; it's not even my birthday yet.

it's 5 minutes to 11, which means bedtime. i can get used to this...at least that is what i keep telling myself.

alright time to go sleep because my sister just got out of the waterloo.

bye.

the new things i've been learning about my mom. oh so hilarious.: )

2009-05-21T05:25:00.000-07:00

-wearing a spaghetti strap before dinnertime (during the time when the trash car comes) can get me out of dumping trash duties. sketchy garbagemen do not fare well with protective, conservative mother.

-my mom will use me as a bodyguard when our neighbor's Chihauhau comes running towards us during our post-dinner walks. She literally grabbed my arms and jumped behind me when she saw that little dog racing. The dog didn't freak me out - my mom's reaction did. Nonetheless, I got a good laugh out of the whole ordeal.

waking up at my college sleeping time: 3 am

2009-05-19T05:11:00.000-07:00

I'm forcing myself to stay awake till 9:30 tonight because I don't want to wake up at 3 am tomorrow again. I might as well go work on writing some music tonight. Since the weather has been relatively cool for Taiwan summer standards, my sister is sleeping in her own room. This gives me more alone time.

During this period of "getting over jetlag," I will have to start applying for a job very soon. 3 months is just too long of a time to not be doing anything productive. I have yet to spend lots of time with my grandparents and relatives. I need to constantly remind myself my first goal for coming back this summer: minister to nonChristian family.

When I think about which day it is, it still surprises me that it's only May. I don't think I've ever gotten May off for summer. The biggest break I had was last summer when I had an extra half of June.: ) I guess I can get used to this. Sweet Michigan summers.

tokyo hotel. 10:31. i feel motion sickness.

2009-05-16T07:31:00.000-07:00

this is going to be a short post because my sister will be done blow-drying her hair in no time. we are currently sharing the internet and the battery that i have left on my computer because WE'RE STUCK IN TOKYO FOR THE NIGHT.

alright it's not as bad as it sounds.i just really want to go home and this is holding us up from being at home. it's a good thing we don't have to be anywhere tomorrow but it is my dad's birthday. thank goodness we still get to eat dinner with him tomorrow.: )

i still feel like i'm on the plane right now. what was supposed to be an 11-hour+ flight to tokyo turned out to be 16 hours because of the delay in fixing mechanical problems (computer wouldn't function properly) and switching a pilot (the original pilot got sick.swine flu maybe? that was jerry's supposition). i'm quite dizzy at the moment - sleep time.

this is the latest i've stayed up since college.

2009-05-13T23:11:00.000-07:00

I've been jet lagged for a couple days now so waking up at 6-8 am is no longer a rare event for me anymore. However, tonight I've been sitting in this bathroom for two hours trying to get a clearer picture of what God wants me to do with this short life of mine.

After writing down a few options for potential and "highly unlikely" majors, I picked up the road map of life (that's what i like to call the Bible because that's what it means to me) and opened it to Jeremiah's prayer:

"I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps. Correct me, Lord, but only with justice - not in your anger, lest you reduce me to nothing." -Jeremiah 10: 23-24-

I find my pride getting in the way of displaying Christlike behavior in front of those older than myself. It's strange how I attempt to appear strong-willed and intelligent when in truth, I am actually not confident and book-smart. It's amazing how clarity breaks in whenever I take the time to organize my thoughts on paper. Maybe blogging isn't a total waste of time afterall.

SUMMMMMMMMMMMMMER.yes.: )

2009-05-01T18:43:00.000-07:00

i'm currently sitting on the floor leaning against the sink cupboards in Best Western. this is the same exact hotel i stayed at with my family when i came to ann arbor before orientation. it's pretty baller to end a year going to some of the same places you went to in the beginning. tomorrow is my sister's undergrad graduation ceremony. wow. 4 years has really passed by. i'll be turning 19 next month. wow.

East Quad.how i've learned to love this place for what it is. for the vegan+vegetarian food in replacement of meat (sometimes), zaragon place's 9 am construction activity, retail dining hall cooks yelling your name so loudly you literally flinch out of your chair, leaky washing machines that don't always drain your clothes properly, cohen reading room with the beautiful painting of a woman and a guitar and the huge chess pieces, jam sessions and prayer meetings in hayden 48 and 58 greene music rooms, praying in the madrigal lounge every night, BALLERLY close location to central campus classes but most of all, for the certain people i have come to love and become accountable to.

one last night of being a freshman

2009-04-29T20:49:00.000-07:00

wow. in around 12 hours i will be D-O-N-E with freshman year.

i get the privilege of studying tonight while everyone else is enjoying their summer break. yes, this is definitely where i want to be.: )

haha this is me trying not to be bitter about taking an exam on the last day of the school year. i need to study and sleep. then i'm going to take the exam and enjoy myself LIKE EVERYONE ELSE HAS BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST WEEK. haha. i'm not bitter, really.: )

tomorrow is going to be quite hectic because i need to pack up and move everything out by 3 o'clock. after that, i'll be free to breathe. yes. i cannot wait. i cannot wait. i cannot wait.why is time passing by so slowly?

my parents are in town. i think this may be one of the last times i'll be able to say that while i'm here in michigan. it still strikes me as weird how i ended up in the state of michigan and will be staying here for another 3 years (that is if everything goes ACCORDING TO PLAN. except that there is no solid plan except that i want to graduate on time). tuition fee is ridiculously high and the taiwanese dollar is currently shrinking but i can't see myself possibly graduating on time without a major picked out already. oh man....

alright.time to study for the last time in 4 months. wow.here goes.

what is going on.

2009-04-20T22:28:00.000-07:00

currently caught in a web of worry and confusion.

i'm sitting outside of the benz because i need to be alone. i need this silence.

there's a man outside waiting for someone to let him in. i am skeptical and selfish.

nevermind, the man was here for a reason, it really is none of my business.

i shouldn't even be online right now, i'm done with all of my papers

it's been a long haul of essays, i'm glad it's the end of the semester

so i sit here with my almost empty odwalla, sitting next to my stats notes

all this talk about relationships and dating makes me want to choke

i am not ready.

but i want to be.

i can't help but be curious.

i want to know these things.

but at the same time i am terrified.

can i just run away this time?

what is this

an invasion of privacy

how come my conviction

is not as strong as it used to be?

what is happening to me

i have changed for the better

that's exactly what i want to believe

now i am confused with my single identity

because i want to see beyond me

i want affection, true feelings

this is exhausting. fine i'll leave it be.

all-nighter.makes one a fighter.

2009-04-16T09:09:00.001-07:00

two papers down. 3 more to turn in on monday. 3 more exams. then i'll be done with my freshman year. : | it was certainly a fast ride but i had a BALLER time here in ann arbor.

13 degrees Celcius with a high of 18 today! i'm currently wearing a skirt and flip flops. who wouldn't? haha. i can't wait for the humid summer in taiwan. 4 months babyyyyy.

anthroculture films can be irritating when you're sleep-deprived. the music is very hard to appreciate.a little too much dissonance for me.

course-choosing took me 2 hours today. crazy. i'm thinking of trying for music comp and movement science anyway (even though it doesn't fit into my schedule right now). hopefully it'll work out. so far i have bio human nutrition, psych 270 intro to psychpathy (learn how criminals think), writing poetry (RC class. looks like i'll be in EQ still afterall: ) ), and musicology (intro to popular music). i decided to drop history of art for this semester because i wanted to take musicology more. haha i'm excited for my classes next semester.: ) at least i don't get last pick anymore. it just keeps getting better.

back to the UGLI.it's always so trying.

2009-04-06T17:17:00.001-07:00

with no more Good News practices occupying five hours of my week, i am free...to study. i'm currently writing my final english paper (counts as a final exam). it's due in a week but since it has to be 8 pages long, i'm trying to finish it ASAP as editing will need time. on top of that, my anthrocul paper is due 3 days after that (12 pages!!!!!). yeah. this is going to be massive paper writing week.

exams will have to wait. ah lovely lovely. i'm finally taking my first blue book (women's studies). after that, i can finally step on the M in the Diag. haha. superstition.

i just needed a break from paper writing. ah. i really look forward to taking different courses next semester. it's going to be BALLER. i'm thinking of taking a music comp class in the bell tower, bio huma nutrition, art history (with the newly reopened art museum, it's going to be great), and either complit, women's studies health, or another psych class.

but for now, crunch time for school.

last month of school!

2009-04-02T09:39:00.000-07:00

28 days left in my freshman year of college. OH EM GEEE. it's great. i love the end of the school year even though it's draining and a little straining but i love it anyway. it's been a good year. i'm glad that God brought me here even though i still don't have the slightest clue as to what major i will be graduating with. more importantly, i have to find my calling first. actually, i'm not sure how it's all going to play out (only God knows.Amen!) but i will keep trusting Him. He's the Mastermind.

to dad and mom: just a clarification. that was totally a prank. when it actually happens, i hope you guys will be joyful about it. i'm almost 19! like dad said, "it's going to happen sometime soon anyway." : ) i wait and pray for the day haha. MEANWHILE, i am diligently studying. and singing.

incompetent. or just plain useless?

2009-03-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

self-doubt
arises as i
try to search for more information
on a topic that is not set in stone yet
i haven't even started
writing the paper
i should make that plural
i need to get a grip and do it
but the escapist inside of my screams:
WAIT.are you sure?
doubt is not a presence i enjoy.

lack of time. breathing for air. dropping my cares.for the moment.

2009-03-23T23:01:00.000-07:00

topic proposal
essay memorial
a decade of pages
thrown down into a moldy grave.

silently
we pray for the was
because we are left
with an ample supply
of years to cry.

i watch the person lie on her back
from a distance, i am just a bystander
but as my vision focuses on the face
my heart beats faster
and i cannot wait
for the person to awaken.again.
breathe.please.
don't leave us hanging on hope
because we want to know
if you'll be okay

we always want a resolution
to the things we don't understand
but the plan is already written
let us not doubt God's saving hand.

my bucket list

2009-03-21T20:38:00.000-07:00

alright. these are the things i want to do before my life is over:

1. tapdance and beatbox at the same time
2. bungee jump off of a bridge with a loved one
3. revisit europe again with a DSL and have a photography exhibition after that (it will be predominantly sepia, just a heads up)
4. fast for 30 hours to raise awareness for famine in many many countries
5. work as a translator where the need be
6. donate my hair again to someone
7. find a major besides vampire studies during the next 3 years of undergrad
8. be in a relationship with a guy

that's all i have in mind at the moment. this bucket list will most likely change as i grow older but for now, this is it.

wow how long has it been?

2009-03-18T18:58:00.000-07:00

current status: response paper due tomorrow. practically done. needs editing.and printing out.drinking a bottle of mocha frappuccino.should eat oranges and banana instead. will do in time.

just a quick update: i've been good. i don't want to worry you or disappoint you but i cannot guarantee very good grades at the moment. i need a better work ethic and try to manage my time more (for example, instead of typing up this blog, i should be finishing my response paper or taking a shower).

HOWEVER,

on the spiritual and the emotional level, it's been an all-time high. i'm loving Good News a capella. i love the music we're singing, the people i'm singing with, but most of all the reason behind the singing: GOD!

i am sad that two friends of mine are leaving during these two days (one is gone already actually). however, i am glad to have spent a few more moments with them this week. God has really been blessing me with the company of great people lately. i never feel alone anymore. thank God.

as i finish the last 6 weeks of freshman year, i continue to realize how much i have grown and changed from the person i was seven months ago. praise God for that.: )

this is one of those moments

2009-02-26T21:02:00.000-08:00

there comes a time when escaping from responsibility will not do.
when putting off talking on the phone with my parents reaches a point of disobedience.
when the pimples on my face clearly reflect how irresponsibly i've been living.
when my lack of attention span or selective attention is driving down to nil even in the social scene.
when my identity crisis as an overly balanced ABC is making me more of an outsider than a person who can mesh into both groups.
when my lack of motivation to learn new songs on the guitar is starting to reflect my lack of motivation to learn anything.
when my calling is still unclear and my patience is running out, thus affecting the earnestness in my prayers.
when i reach the end of my thought and say to myself: "what was i thinking? nothing worth mentioning" and i give up sharing anything at all.

and to those who withhold from others, they will be withheld from as well. as you can see, that is me.

i am not my own.

2009-02-18T18:12:00.000-08:00

this has been a hard concept to accept: i am not my own. i am not here to fulfill my needs and leave the rest. i am here, to further God's kingdom. this isn't a joke.a story. something i can just toss into the trash can and never expect to see again. God is real and working. i can testify to this because i speak from my own life's experiences.

yes, college has not been smooth. i've completed two songs in the span of half a year (all-time low) and it's a really good thing i don't have to base my self-worth on my grades. my faith is not my escape route - it is what defines it. though i fall short in faith a lot of days, i am still certain that God will lead me through every trial He may put in my way. for some reason i feel that the end is near - or my end is near. i am no longer uneasy about the talk or thought of death. it is good that God hasn't given me a life that i would have a hard time giving up.

as i sit here in the UGLI, i start to think: really?

2009-02-17T13:55:00.000-08:00

the longer i live here, the more i begin to see how living in the States is not "better" in any way. at times, it seems even worse than being back home.actually, home has become the ideal situation for me. i know there were, and still are flaws to staying in taiwan, but i can't hep it: i really do miss it for what it is.

as i interact and observe the people around me, i still don't feel a strong connection with the people who grew up here (doesn't matter if they're chinese or asian. here as in America). rather, i find myself instantly connecting to those who are from a different country (and they don't even have to be from taiwan or china.actually, i'm not very tight with the people from china.i have to be careful when i say where i'm from because believe it or not, i really think a good number of them get offended when i say i'm from "taiwan.") strange how my perspective has changed in terms of building relationships with others.

i have less than an hour to work on this women's studies midterm paper due this friday. i pray that i will be able to finish it soon. sometimes it's really not about the GPA anymore. i know it should be but i'm finding so much more to life than getting good grades. this could be a form of escapism but i wouldn't give up any of the things God has given to me this semester.

我很好

2009-02-15T20:39:00.001-08:00

i eat lots of fruit and vegetables (even though i only took a few bites out of my salad for dinner tonight.i'm running low on tolerance for salad)

i eat yogurt everyday.it's kept me healthy so far until now.but i'm on my way back to recovery.

i sleep a good 7-8 hours a day (even though it's not the best period of time)

i haven't exercised in half a month but i will do it during spring break after DUP.

i am still around the same weight when i left home this winter. i don't think i'll ever be able to "gain" weight from eating this dining hall food.

classes are alright.not exciting but i'll manage to finish this term.

don't worry about me.pray for me. that God will continue to show me His will for my life.thank you.

one last thing.

2009-01-27T23:07:00.000-08:00

tiff pan says: (2:01:39 AM)
still awake
tiff pan says: (2:01:45 AM)
don't hesitate
tiff pan says: (2:01:46 AM)
to relate
tiff pan says: (2:01:59 AM)
it is our fate
tiff pan says: (2:02:13 AM)
to say what we mean.even in times when we cannot think
tiff pan says: (2:02:33 AM)
properly we were never standard
tiff pan says: (2:02:49 AM)
we just wear our lanyards, hoping we'll blend in with the rest
tiff pan says: (2:03:03 AM)
and no offend, learn to accept, the differences and unfairness
tiff pan says: (2:03:27 AM)
but eventually we have to come to terms with ourselves: what's good for us and what isn't
tiff pan says: (2:03:46 AM)
and make amends, find ways around it, until we reach the end: heaven.

back in the benz.not the car.

2009-01-27T22:58:00.000-08:00

despite how much i don't like studying here, i am currently sitting in the benz at 2 a.m. i'm still awake because i woke up at 11 this morning. this will change by next week because i swapped my linguistics analysis class for an anthroculture class on comparing cultures. i'm such a social science/humanities person. science courses (i think i want to take human anatomy if possible, even though i'm not going into med school.either that or a bio nutrtional course.)meanwhile, i am still in the process of finding my calling. i'm hoping i will eventually find a major i do love. i don't want to be passive about it like some of the people i've met. they know where they're going with their education yet they feel no passion towards it. which one is sadder - not knowing or knowing and hating it? i'm glad i'm still in the process of searching, even though it takes a bit more time because it's pretty much trial and error. take french and linguistics for example. oh dear.

i currently love studying at the UGLI. i actually don't like being in East Quad that much ( my dorm room.and cafeteria).haha this is a clear sign that i should definitely move out next year. STOCKWELL HERE I COME! that's the plan at least. i hope i can live there next year.i won't even mind if i have to share a room again. but hopefully i can get a single.i miss having my own room.it's more convenient for songwriting.the reason i'm at the benz is because my roommate is asleep and she can't sleep with the lights on. don't feel like killing my eyesight all over again like last semester so i came down for better lighting.

pointless blogpost but i just like to write.can't help it haha.

support the asian artists out there.

2009-01-27T14:43:00.000-08:00

just to name off a few of my own favorites:

Magnetic North ( a Vietnamese rapping duo)
Corinne May
Vienna Teng
KevJumba (yes i've been watching his youtube videos recently)
WongFu Productions (Ted and Phil!!!)
Jennifer Chung (she did a really good job with "New Soul")
Marie Digby (well she's half Chinese)

see it's quite a list. YAY FOR ASIAN ARTISTS OUT THERE! great inspiration, really.

a whiff of nostalgia.

2009-01-26T14:20:00.000-08:00

as my jaws circulate the piece of Extra herbal xylitol gum in a planetary yet springy motion, i am reminded of Taiwan on this big Chinese holiday, New Years Day. the sweetness slowly dissolves as the number of people on the Diag becomes sparse and slow. layers and layers of Northface and UGGs are prevalent in the campus scene.

in contrast, i walk to class in my pearl Net feather jacket and boots from JC Penny. does it bother me that at times i feel out of place?

yes, but not because of what i'm wearing. it goes deeper than that - it is the constant identity reasserting i must become comfortable doing.

does it annoy me that the dining halls can't make Chinese food, espcially on Chinese New Year?

yes. i have completely given up on eating cooked tofu here. they don't know how to make it but they try anyway. i am going to the dinner in half an hour but i've learned to not expect anything.

does having to come into interaction with a person part of a frat or sorority almost daily shake my perception of Greek life?

yes and no. the fact that i still refuse to attend the mass meetings or events even after personal invites in person and on facebook explains my decision. i admit that i feel a bit annoyed when i overhear people talking about how this sorority is better than the other one when standing in line for lunch. but then again some of my classmates in my English 225 class are in sororities and fraternities. does that mean i shun them out? no, i had a workshop session with one of them today, though i do feel some distance whenever i'm talking to them. getting a text message from a dorm friend asking if i have slacks is self-explanatory. i can't get away from it - it is a choice pof lifestyle that is very desired and ubiquitous at this school. so i must learn to accept it and not judge the next person i see carrying an alpha kappa sigma tote bag.

thus concludes my reflections of the day as the sky turns dirty grey as my banana peel rots away on the table.

(i think i was partly inspired by kevjumba's random youtube videos.)

poem written during women's studies discussion

2009-01-25T21:15:00.001-08:00

it's so hard to break this
but i believe it can be different
these restrictions
come from discrimination
in this generation
unfairness
dispersion
so many definitions
for the same diction
oh i wish this was fiction
this life that we're living
the history, the happened
the present, the unexpected
it all comes down to racism
sexism, heterosexism
and we're back to these limitations. again.

ah.what's the use to knowing all the answers?

2009-01-22T22:48:00.000-08:00

call-backs are on monday. i had a feeling i wouldn't get in on first try. nothing comes easily anymore. it never did - i think i just want to believe that there was one point in my life where it was closer to perfect. ah my disillusioned imagination.

lucy schwartz's lyrics make a lot of sense:
"when it all comes down to it
what's the use in knowing all the answers?"

for tonight, it would have been an earlier bedtime and less pimples. but then again, no matter how early i sleep, i still have pimples on my face. it's really affected by my mood.and i'm constantly thinking too much about things i should've abandoned in my head a long time ago.haha.that's me.i will change.gradually.slowly, but i am.always in the process. and i will learn to love the process more than the result.eventually.

how do i change? or is this how i am made?

2009-01-21T16:34:00.000-08:00

so.linguistics is not my strongest subject. hahaha. well i gave it a shot.just like so many other things in my life: piano, violin, softball, crystal choir, french. sigh. did i ever have a strong point? something i could count on, be proud of?

it used to be singing. harmonizing. creating music. but what is it now? singing opportunities are dwindling when they're supposed to be thriving.without a choir/a capella group, my chances of harmonizing are small. creating music? 2 unofficial self-made albums doesn't make me professional. sigh.

what am i doing here? i can't even focus on doing hw anymore. all i want to do is escape from my responsibilities. i don't know what i'm pursuing so i can't seem to put in my full effort. linguistics. eh.english.stuck. stats.boring. women's studies.long. am i just too picky?

first lesson: humility

2009-01-21T07:40:00.000-08:00

i woke up this morning feeling pretty at ease. went down to breakfast, came back upstairs and cheked my email. haha.i didn't get into kopitonez. it's funny how i thought it went well. it was all fake though.i guess they were just not impressed. now it's going to be a bit awkward seeing these people again. sigh. sucks how a few of them are in AIV.wow. i think this is the first singing audition i didn't pass. this is humility. humility. humility.

i have yet to learn persistence, reflection, boldness, and trust. God grant me the strength to keep trying even when nothing is coming easily.

God grants sleep to those whom He loves.: )

2009-01-20T07:27:00.000-08:00

I just slept for 9 hours straight and it feels great! I love waking up not because I have to but because i have the freedom of choice to do so. that's one thing i'm glad is different from high school. sleeping at 12 is way better than sleeping at 4. it's insane how i didn't get this until i tried both sleeping schedules. people have told me again and again why sleeping late is bad, not worth trying but i just had to go through it myself before making the decision not to do so anymore.

while my tuition is still getting processed by the school (wrote a check and gave it to them on friday but since they don't work on the weekends or on MLK day, it hasn't been accepted officially yet), i am enjoying temporarily "unpaid" resources.haha: )

trying out for a capella tonight. "kopintonez" is the group i'm auditioning for. if i get in, i get to go to lunar ball for free since they are invited to perform at the event. haha that shouldn't be my main incentive for joining. i do love to sing.but even more with others when i get to harmonize with them.: ) it makes me so free.

hyper.active.

2009-01-16T23:33:00.000-08:00

i'm sitting in my dorm room alone at 2:30 in the morning. i should be asleep but i just got of the phone with my parents.25-minute phone call.i'm going to make an effort to call my grandparents and parents this semester. i didn't call them even once last semester. i let them call me. but i'm going to start taking the initiative now. because i want to.and they deserve it.after all they've done for me.i miss them...especially now more than ever as Chinese New Years draws nearer. january 26th should be off as MLK is. i'm proud to be Chinese. i will celebrate the Year of the cow, mahjong or no mahjong, gala or no gala (there's a CNY gala going on next week that some of my Chinese friends are going to).

===========================

life has never been better. it could be the lateness of the night (or should i say, the earliest hours of the morning?) or the two episodes of grey's anatomy and private practice i just watched. but tonight, i feel good. i feel good about life. about this moment. my dad said something must have happened within this past week, maybe finding "the right guy." well, i'm sorry to disappoint you dad but it's not a guy. it's better. He is God. He is changing my perspective slowly on life.

He is showing me how the pursuit of happiness is not something we think about normally but so important. just like the pursuit of peace. the pursuit of keeping in contact. the pursuit of education. the pursuit of godliness, of acquiring the fruits of the Spirit. these things don't come running into our lives. we need to pursue them. Pursuing God is key - only then will these things come into the picture.

it's getting later. i should be asleep. but i had a spurt of inspiration and decided to write it down.
michelle: i appreciate your mentioning of me in your latest blogpost. i know i can't always be there for you (am not there in person for the most part. i'll miss spending CNY with you this year), but just know that God is accessible at all times (no phone bill! blessedness of calling to heaven) and skype credits are affordable (for the people on earth, like your family and me haha).

沒什麼大不了

2009-01-11T06:08:00.000-08:00

今天晚上我有一點無聊
好想找你聊一聊
可是沒什麼大不了
我可以自己熬
沒什麼大不了
人總是會覺得無聊
===========================

when i say i'm bored, i actually mean i'm lonely. both are pathetic and apathetic (ahaha doesn't that just make perfect sense?) states of mind but unfortunately, i have had my share of loneliness. it's like eating dark chocolate. the bitterness makes it hard to swallow but the hidden shade of sweetness makes you keep wanting more. i say this because feeling low gives you an excuse to not deal with anything at all - this is the alluring part. as an escapist (i wish i could say former escapist. i will have to work on letting this part of me change), i've looked for and gone down almost all the possible ways of escaping from reality. none have proved sufficient except being in my Father's arms.

沒關係 : )

2009-01-09T07:43:00.000-08:00

to my parents:

我很好.today, i began my day with prayer. i haven't felt so peaceful for the longest time. this is something God has been trying to teach me for quite awhile now. i woke up for breakfast today despite that i got over my jetlag already. i will try to get more muscles from exercising (i have yet to start doing that again). 我自己也知道我有一點太瘦了.: )

i love having the morning hours to myself. i finished paul coelho's "like the flowing river" this morning.: ) good book full of daily inspiration and interesting short recollections. this is the third coelho book i've had the pleasure of reading. i was partly able to sleep till 8 this morning (as opposed to 4 like the past two days) because i stayed up playing with photoshop.: ) it was a lot of fun. i think editing photos and designing on the computer is one of the few things i can really focus on without thinking about the thoughts i'm trying to suppress and forget about. ever since last night, i have been at peace. thank God.

wanderer.wondering.waiting.wishing.

2009-01-07T16:45:00.000-08:00

The curtain falls, down she goes
So long worth
All the applause seems beautiful
It's got a hold on her
She whispers, "I'll go home"
And then she's reminded
That she doesn't know where that is

Thought she belonged
But she knows she don't
Thought she had love
But it is not enough
The pain inside is speaking to her
How could she feel like this
So aimless

His glass falls
Breaks into a thousand pieces
Spilling out all he's tried to hide
"I only wanted to be strong, to be brave
But it's driven everyone away"

Thought he belonged
But he knows he don't
Thought he had love
But it is not enough
The pain inside is speaking to him
How could he feel like this
So aimless

I've been him, and I've been her
Covered up under the dirt
I want to get out
I want to be free
And know where I'm going

Thought I belonged
But I know I don't
Thought I had love
But it is not enough
An aching inside speaking to me
How could I feel like this
So aimless

They've always known this wasn't home
I've always known this wasn't home

-"Aimless"-Bethany Dillon

redefining "home."

2009-01-05T23:06:00.000-08:00

i'm back in ann arbor. all unpacked, settled back into my dorm room. it's 2:05 a.m. i am awake because i skipped dinner and ate my first pack of pow mien after not touching it for a month. i slept for 7 consecutive hours from 5 p.m to 11:40. classes start tomorrow so i better go sleep and get rid of this jet lag.

a friend once told me that home shouldn't be the place where you spent most of your life, where your family is, or even your favorite place in the world. when you close your eyes and reside in the presence of God, you should be home. the home we have now that we call "home" is just a temporary place we constantly look forward to being in.

i could just be telling myself this because i'm currently feeling a bit homesick (already... i know right?) i really want to enjoy life here - to really feel at ease and not constantly in a tornado of worries.

first semester was more like an earthquake, in the sense that so many things broke and changed. maybe i still need to heal from the impact. i am sick of rushing for time and feeling impatient constantly. yet, time is short and always leaving us behind when we stop to reflect back on the past. i'm praying for direction.but most of all courage and passion to follow my calling, whatever it may be.

the problem of pain.

2009-01-02T07:09:00.000-08:00

c.s. lewis really does make you think more about your own existence. i am not done reading the book yet, but i plan on finishing it tonight.

honestly, i am troubled. constantly struggling.with my thoughts.my perceptions on life. on existence.on humanity. on love.on honesty.on truth.on God. on sin. on corruption.the list could go on.

so much is unknown.so much we could possibly be worrying about.but doesn't God tell us NOT to worry? "to NOT be anxious about ANYTHING, but in EVERYTHING, but by prayer and petition, present your requests to God?" i still don't understand why we can't take to His promise to heart. i need to break free from this bondage of sin i have let Satan wrap around my heart. i know what he is trying to do making all these flashbacks occur in my mind when i am clearly past it already. God, save me from this trap and bring me back to life - real living.

where do i go now?

2009-01-01T07:49:00.000-08:00

as my time in taiwan once again draws to a close, i am, once again, reluctant to leave.

i guess this is the part where coming back after 4 months makes going back even harder than the first time. this is an endless, painful journey huh. i was so sure about myself a few days ago. now that i have a new year, a new semester - a new beginning, i am not feeling as brave as i was before when i still had a lot of time.

God, i need You to hold my hand. why does it seem like i cannot find complete peace and joy in the places i go? the people i meet?

9:20 a.m.

2008-12-28T18:51:00.000-08:00

I finally managed to wake up past 8 this morning. considering that i'm on break right now, i should be catching up on sleep. the excitement and joy of being at home has kept me from over-sleeping.

"Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."-Psalm 90:12-
what better verse to start off the year? i cannot think of another one.suggestions?

i find this quote very true and i particularly like how this person worded it:
"knowing that God loves us comes by faith;
feeling His love for us comes by relationship."

becoming an overwoman.

2008-12-28T07:10:00.000-08:00

even though i still think Nietzsche is an extremely sexist and biased individual, he did make some pretty good points about life and humanity. one of his main principles was the importance of overcoming the self.

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."- Philippians 3:13-

I must let go of the past wrongs, my past behavior - the old me. I have to take a step forward without turning around to look at what I'm leaving behind. this means taiwan too. i have approximately one week left here and like it or not, it's going to pass me by faster than i want it to and i'll be back at school in no time. so in order not to waste more time thinking about rigidly frozen past memories, i need to overcome my sometimes annoying habit of "thinking too much."

God, please set me free from the past. the happened. the familiar. it's time to breakthrough and make new. i embrace the new year that is to come.

future goals.

2008-12-25T07:23:00.000-08:00

so you asked me what my future goals are - the thing(s) i have to do to make my semester worthwhile. here they are:

1. spread the gospel to more people
2. find out whether public policy is my calling from God or not
3. join an a capella, dance, or photography club (not sure if i'll be able to handle all three of them plus AIVCF)
4. make prayer a powerful part of my life
5. read karl marx and c.s. lewis
6. finish the Old Testament
7. come out with a 3rd album (learn more songs on guitar as well.more techniques)
8. stop losing weight, complaining about dorm food (food in general)
9. stay close with those who are close to me now, but at the same time step out there and meet new friends

Christmas Eve.

2008-12-24T01:38:00.000-08:00

"it makes me feel like a child again...
the snow all around me is falling all around me.it's falling all around me.
what's coming my why? should have worn a thicker coat today because i'm afraid of accidents."- "snow (demo" by abbie stauffer.

i love the songs she writes. and even better when she sends me a recorded file so i can listen to them repetetively however many times i want. love love it.

tiff pan

it's a beautiful day.at home.: )

2008-12-19T23:47:00.001-08:00

the sun is constantly wrapping it's arms around my shoulder as i sit on the bench outside of the house, talking to my mom. i breathe in the fresh summer air even though it is supposed to be winter here. it's as if i had never left, but i know something must have changed while i wasn't here. besides two bathrooms remodeled and my bookshelf shifted to the end of my bed, there is no conspicuous difference. i am relieved that the grass and trees are still going green in this part of the world - pearly white can be a little eye-piercing at times. yet, something must have changed. maybe not the house, my room, my parents, or grandparents. i get the gist that it is me who has

changed, yet stuck to her beliefs and roots,
lost, but found many others in return
embittered, but been learning to love at a distance and most of all: to forgive,
tried, but not devoid of hope.instead, it increases as the days go on.

i am genuinely thrilled and grateful to be home this Christmas. thank You for bringing me through the past four months in Ann Arbor. the journey has only begun, yet i am in need of restoration and peace. thank You for giving me just that. coming home is the best Christmas gift I have ever received.

osaka airport.

2008-12-19T01:08:00.001-08:00

half an hour to kill. ALMOST.there. ah i didn't do too well overall this term in terms of grades. i could see it coming though. sometimes the classes you choose out of interest turn out to be the hardest courses. je ne comprends pas. must do better next semester. but i'm not going to worry about school for 16 days. there's just more to life.

DONE.回家吧...

2008-12-17T22:38:00.000-08:00

i'm currently awake for abbie to come and visit me one last time before my flight, which is in less than 12 hours!!!!!!i could scream with excitement right now but sleepiness and silent hours are keeping me from doing that.

"breath me"-sia performed by testimony a capella is playing on my itunes right now. i should change it due to unwanted resurfacing memories, but i'm not going to.i've made up my mind not to classify things in such an extreme manner because it is impossible to completely de-intertwine yourself from certain situations sometimes. so, in order to continue to live without the cost of regrets, i have to accept it. accepting it is not just nodding my head and saying it's all past me. accepting it means taking steps in the snow where no one has trodden on yet. it means setting, walking bravely in my own path. to HEY with the cost of regrets, mistakes, unhappiness, depression, insomnia, anger, frustration, losing, forgetfulness, carelessness, and all the other flaws i possess. to HEY with it.

=========================================

going home.today.done.with finals.got.two letter grades back already.still waiting for the other two.but so far.i have a 3.5 gpa.i.shall.do better.next term.trust.trust.have faith.in this life i lead.and even more in the One who leads.me.

love wash over a multitude of things

2008-12-13T23:42:00.000-08:00

bitterness can eat up the soul
past trappings are nothing but haunted houses
that i never want to step in again.

brokenness is not easily healed
glue can hold, but the cracks still remain
God's hand has to intervene.eventually for anything to change.

life here has opened my eyes
to the hurt and injustice that plagues this land
i am appalled, but i trust God has a plan

use me, Lord in the way You see fit
teach me to love others as if they were my kin
let me let go of the past wrongs, my multitude of sins.

almost.home

2008-12-11T13:20:00.000-08:00

one more week!!!! i'm currently studying in the benz, but i seriously wish i were on the plane back home instead. fast forward to a week, please. two more exams. then i'm out.

onze jours.

2008-12-07T17:45:00.000-08:00

best of studying and results on finals. can't believe i'm finally going home after these past four months. nonetheless oh so grateful.

Thank You, God.for giving me this life.for giving me multiple chances to start over. for meeting me in the ordinary.for telling me that's it's okay to be ordinary and nothing but ordinary. Thank You. i can't say it enough.

it's really the small things that hold me near.

2008-12-02T21:21:00.000-08:00

I opened my eyes from a 10-hour sleep and felt like the ultimate escapist. in the midst of everyone else's lack of sleep, i could still find time to sleep more than the usual 7-8 hours. With French class cancelled due to the oral exam and my oral session moved till thursday lunch, I was free to spend the morning CHOOSING COURSES. i write this in capital letters because it is not something i enjoy doing very much.but then again, what have i really been enjoying lately?

i went to physics of music and my nietzsche writing seminar after lunch. i ended up writing poetry in both classes. detached and dejected, i walked out into the cold to meet alissa (friend from choir) at mason hall to walk to the school of public health. we got there a good 15 minutes after rehearsal had begun. i finally managed to slip on ice for the first time since it started snowing. i was in a hurry to turn around from the first door we tried to open (it was locked, obviously) and fell on my knee. amazingly, it didn't hurt at all.

even during east quad small group Christmas banquet practice, i was just going through the motions, enjoying myself because it was the right thing to do, not because i was truly involved. two hours after small group, zhongnan called me to tell me that he forgot to give us east quaders the december issue for crossculture.

honestly, i only read my sister's article in the last issue. i felt compelled to read the whole issue this time and i am glad that i did. i knew everyone who wrote an article in the issue and was very encouraged by each of their insightful sharings. thanks, zhongnan for walking back to east quad to pass them out.

just then on my way to the resonance room (a.k.a women's bathroom), i saw a girl in my hall crying on the phone in the lounge. i felt compelled to bring her some tissue. thinking that thin toilet paper wasn't very sincere, i went back to my room to get some nice lotion puffs tissue. she looked so grateful when i put them next to her on the couch. who knew a simple act of kindness could put a temporary smile on a crying face. the simplest things are often ignored, overlooked = suppressed to the corner because there are "more important things" to deal with. she knocked on my door just then to say thank you.

i was dejected, detached, and confused.but i end today on a lighter note: there is hope for the world when you truly believe that the small things can ignite a bigger flame.

to my parents: i am alive and well. although i did have thoughts many a time that i could be depressed, even up until today, but because of God, i am ok. don't worry too much about me - i am in God's hands. i'll be home in 15 days (believe it or not). talk to you guys then.

the ground beneath me is breaking.

2008-11-19T18:57:00.000-08:00

this song has never sounded so clear to me than it does now.


"I'm a new soul I came to this strange world hoping
I could learn a bit about how to give and take.
But since I came here felt the joy and the fear
finding myself making every possible mistake


See I'm a young soul in this very strange world hoping
I could learn a bit about what is true and fake.
But why all this hate try to communicate
finding just that love is not always easy to make.

This is a happy end, 'cause you don't understand
Everything you have done, why's everything so wrong?" -
"New Soul" by Yael Naim


But it's hard.so hard.for me to laugh again. in the midst
of my carelessness and fault.
one moment i'm ok, the next, i break.


at times i am lost
i am fragile and broken
But i'm always found in Him.



let this be true, God. let this be my truth that i can
hold onto. i am lost,but i'll be found in You. this is a test
i know. this is so many things.
yet, it is comforting to know that Your hand is behind all
of this.
i cannot deny that i am frustrated for having to make so
many mistakes
and suffer for the consequences.yet You redeem in me.
You give me a new
perspective. You are giving me a second chance.to start
over.
to slow down.to not rush my life. to take it, literally,
one step at a time
i wanted a new identity, a new name, a new change.
you took away from me
what i relied on, was familiar with, set me on unstable ground.
to show me that i am not my own. i am Your's.LET YOUR
KINGDOM COME. LET YOUR
WILL BE DONE.ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN, LORD.
just be here.come, come
and take your people home.i know i want to go home.LET
US SPREAD THE WORD
so God will come sooner!

refine me.define me. mold me. hold me in Your arms.

2008-11-18T07:12:00.000-08:00

looks like i won't have to play guitar outside on the curbside of the dorm today afterall. my roommate graciously gave me 20 bucks for my meals today. the first i thought i had this morning when i woke up was: "life is more about the food you eat, the clothes you wear("do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?"-Matthew 6:25)

God is refining me through fire. i managed to finish the 61 questions on the book "the antichrist" in one night. while having to read about extremely false and piercing statements about God and Christians for the whole night in the dim hallway, it was really You who pulled me through it. my Mcard is still nowhere to be seen, but i know today's worry is enough for the day. i have no idea where the rest of my meals will come from but i know that today i'll be okay. that's all i need. thank You God for being gracious to me.

lost and found.hopefully.

2008-11-17T21:49:00.001-08:00

i've lost and broken many things during my time here:
-keys (12 times)
-bowl
-phone charger
-credit card
-my laughter

my most recent lost is my M Card. could it be any worse?the answer is yes.

i haven't found what i'm looking for yet.i haven't found a group of solid friends that can stay with me, no matter what the weather is. it's ironic how it fell apart once the seasons started to change from fall to winter. i haven't found classes that i'm really passionate about. i haven't found my soul mate yet. i haven't found my path, my future, or my purpose. i haven't found myself completely. i have so much to learn. in the process, i keep falling on the ground. i am bruised, but i'm not broken. i can't stop now. i'm almost home. i want to go home.

Your timing is perfect.: )

2008-11-07T20:41:00.001-08:00

two letters and one package from home. all in one night : )

"i think it is not bad to take a long time to find what you re interested in. so take it easy.: ) i hope things will get better soon." -card from Hisano.

i really needed to hear those words from someone.thank You for speaking them through Hisano's card.: )

It's amazing how we've kept in contact. she lives in japan. the only reason she went to taiwan four years ago was because she was in an international transfer-student program. my family had the blessing of being her host family: )i was 14 and she was 15.

she only stayed for a week but we had such a good time taking sticker pictures, buying cheap t-shirts (she bought one that said "HOT" in shiny, neon flashing colors.my sister and i couldn't stop laughing), and watching pirates of the carribean. i remember showing her my family's photo albums because it was the only thing i could think of for her to do while mel and i did our homework.

i have an abundance of snacks and hot drink packets from my parents. : ) so so so grateful for such considerate and loving parents. i absolutely cannot wait to see and spend time with them again.

: ) 就是高興

2008-10-28T20:21:00.001-07:00

"some say that Your love's like the mountains
or the rivers that run to the sea
but i know that Your love's so much nearer
it's in everything i see..ohhhhhh
it's in everything i see." -abbie strauffer's "college love and cheesecake"

i absolutely love love love her music. i am so blessed by God to have gotten to meet such an awesome RA in East Quad who tells me to :"end confidently."

she's one of the people i know i was meant to meet. i've always wanted to meet and befriend other songwriters, and living in this dorm has provided me with many opportunities to do so. i am so thankful and happy right now not just because of this wonderful song i've fallen in love with, but just being God's child is the best gift ever. i was literally skipping on my way to RESCOMP (yes..in the scary pipe-ceiling, green-floored basement). i just feel this un-impenetrable joy flowing out of me, so much of it that i need to share it with other people. i am finally starting to understand what it means to be in joy despite your circumstances. finally, i am taking steps forward in my walk with God.thank You.

two bruises and eyes open.

2008-10-27T21:35:00.000-07:00

i started the day with various items falling.i end the day with a bruise on my knee from hitting my drawers two days ago, and a bruise on my elbow that i hit twice (once on the shower faucet, and another on the door knob of my closet. it was a patch of red skin for a five minutes.

i'll be fine though. i'm quite focused tonight.and i got to watch 20 minutes of "transformers" (i have yet to watch the whole movie) slant-eyed on my roommate's tv. i actually don't feel that guilty for watching her tv (at times.only when she's watching it) and not paying for the cable because i share fruit (not from the dining hall.from meijers) with her, lend her my hair straightener, and let her use my printer. i guess it evens out. she bought the internet cable and the fridge (which i should use more often).haha, nevertheless, i'm looking forward to getting an apartment next year.

clumsy.but blessed.

2008-10-27T06:55:00.001-07:00

when i awake,
i am still with you.
-psalm 139:18-

dropping a half a banana, accidently kicking my folder, dropping my contacts solution bottle cap, and almost breaking another toilet is not going to change anything.

escapist.must face this.

2008-10-26T21:35:00.000-07:00

give me a guitar
it'll take me far
into a world
where truthfulness is expressed
yet it is still covered with a vagueness
of heavy-dripping diction
i cannot help but notice
that this illusion
of beauty and perfection
is still my refuge
when i am caught in the tempest.

so now, what do i make of it?

sweating.but exhilarated nonetheless.

2008-10-25T18:55:00.001-07:00

i just played three songs sitting on the east quad counter. i was on my way back to my room to get my psych notebook. abby was working behind the counter and she was playing guitar. she made me stop and play her a song. she had to help activate a temporary key for a girl who locked herself out so i went up to get my notebook first. she played me one of her songs first, which was absolutely amazing. her voice is sooooo beautiful! the guitar accompanied her lyrics and melody PERFECTLY. i was totally carried away in my imagination. the song was a Christian song talking about how no matter where she goes, God knows and watches after her constantly.: ) it's so beautiful.

at first, i played "some peace of mind." she really enjoyed it, so i played her "free." she made me re-do the ending three times because i kept cracking up and so my voice kept wavering. she was like: " end confidently! do it again." ahahha i should play in front of her more often because she gives me really good feedback. she told me that my music reminds her of a mix of vanessa carlton and michelle branch. i get the michelle branch part quite a lot but it was still refreshing to hear it.: ) she likes how i do riffs on the melody and with the guitar. haha.notice my blogspot name. she was talking about how she's having trouble writing songs at the moment ( " a dry well" she called it) and how it seemed impossible to have sad lyrics to an upbeat tune. then i told her that i actually wrote a song like that.i played her "and he said." man, there were so many people walking past the counter and just sitting in the lounge. thank goodness no one complained or told me to shut-up or anything.haha i'm tomato-free so i guess that's a good sign.

it was great just being able to play in front of another songwriter who is also a Christian. thank You for leading me to her, God.

haha so fitting.

2008-10-23T18:43:00.000-07:00

" in vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat -
for he grants sleep to those he loves." -psalms 127:2-

haha i woke up early to study for my physics of music midterm, which i took this afternoon.: ) so glad it's over.no more late night studying for tonight! i have the day off tomorrow because the french oral exam is still going on. i finished mine last friday so i'm free to go to meijers.yes, time to get food and supplies. i have two papers and one exam next week.despite that, i'm still glad it's the weekend again.: )

a few verses for sharing.

2008-10-22T06:38:00.000-07:00

"i lift up my eyes to the hills-
where does my help come from?
my help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth...

the Lord will keep you from all harm -
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore." -psalm 121: 1-2, 7-8 -

i remember one issue of Our Daily Bread using the last two lines of this Bible passage (v. 7-8) for the cover verse. the picture was of a cottage alley with houses covered with leaves and tiles that held stories of old age. i really like that picture. even after such a long time, i can still recall it and it still brings peace to me. yeah it'd be cool to submit pictures for the cover of Our Daily Bread.

the way it is.

2008-10-20T15:57:00.000-07:00

at around 5 pm, i trekked to my sister's apartment, which is a 7-minute walk from my dorm. by the time i passed u towers, i started running because the rain started getting bigger. i quickly knocked and jerry let me in. my sister had just started cooking the delicious 魯肉飯we've been talking about for the past week. little did i know that once i started talking about life, i didn't stop until our plates were empty.

i'm really grateful that God gave me an older sister like Mello. No one will ever be able to replace her. she listened to me talk, injecting in her "words of wisdom" here and there, and just made me feel at home.it's been so long since we've been able to spend some time one-on-one. i usually see her at large group so there are always lots of people around.

one thing i realized while talking to her is that life is so unresolved. most of the time, our complications and situations don't have solutions at all, not at the time when we want them at least. i know that God has His timing in giving us the answers and all, but at times i just get very impatient. i'm still in the process of learning how to become a more patient person. it's grueling but i'm willing to let God take me through it. as long as He's guiding me, i'm not going to worry about it incessantly like i have been doing. yeah it was more than eating a good home-cooked meal with my dearest sister.

DON'T.TOUCH.

2008-10-16T16:57:00.000-07:00

why can't guys keep their hands to themselves? what gives them the right to "make moves" on girls who clearly aren't interested?

this is the third time i've been harassed in some way by an african american guy. i'm trying very hard not to be racist, but to this point, i'm finding it almost impossible. today in choir, the guy standing next to me brushed my hair. at first, i didn't know it was him.then he said: " your hair is very fun to play with." i smiled awkwardly, thinking he'd stop. but he didn't. he kept swishing it back and forth so i was like: "stop. please." i should have glared at him at that point, but i heard myself just quietly saying it. it was as if i had lost my own voice of reason. how can i just let these things go? i'm not trying to make a big deal out of it. it just is for me. i don't want to put up with any more harassment in the future, thank you very much. i don't deserve it and i don't think ANY girl out there does either. so just keep your hands to yourself. seriously.

going for it.

2008-10-13T22:02:00.000-07:00

it could just be an obsession.but it is driving me to work towards it. it's my gravitational pull.i'm totally in love with the place already. i felt so inspired when i was studying there last night.can't wait till i go back again. i pass by the place almost everyday, most of the time intentionally. it still remains my favorite place on campus. i will not let this go to waste.

開夜車

2008-10-11T22:52:00.000-07:00

a flashback of the past summer just hit me. my mom and i were on the train, riding back to hsinchu. the ticket-seller didn't correct the time and date of our pre-bought tickets, so we ended up walking back and forth through the train. during the intervals when we weren't moving, i was studying my drivers license booklet.

then i thought of how soph and i were sitting next to each other, holding our breath as the names of the four people who didn't pass were called. despite that i only got to drive 4 days (legally i mean), it was still a pleasure that i CANNOT WAIT to have again when i go back this december. if only gas prices would go down...i'd be driving from taipei to hsinchu all the time.

2008-10-10T21:14:00.001-07:00

everyone seems to have found their niche in life. it must be so ethereal to have found your place. i'm praying that i'll be able to reach my potential and come out on the top for once without drowning.

guacamole.don't think too much.

2008-10-09T17:56:00.000-07:00

we used to sit in the last row of our 10A classroom. your desk didn't have the fake wooden covering so you would always draw on mine. now that i think back on it, we used to communicate a lot through the writings on the desks. too bad all those 2b-lead conversations are bleached off and gone. plus, we're continents and oceans away from our home right now. it doesn't matter anymore.

it was only the beginning few months of sophomore year, but i wasn't in a very good state of mind due to the sudden absence of a sibling to fight with at home. it was lonesome and heart-tugging. plus, it was also the first year we started taking our AP courses. supply and demand will always have a special place in my heart (despite how much i didn't like econ during that time).

one day as i was ranting to you about life ( your ear and heart are always open, i am amazed at your patience and understanding of me), you wrote the words "guacamole" in beautiful, dark cursive. then you added "don't think too much" underneath it in a smaller font. it was a variation from lion king's "hakunamatata: it means no worries for the rest of your days."

thank you for writing on my desk that day. suddenly, these words came to me today. i miss you a lot but i'll see you soon this december.until then, i'll try to stay positive and less reminiscent.

don't understand.but i want to.

2008-10-09T07:39:00.000-07:00

i'm at peace...when i see two people strumming a banjo and a guitar outside at midnight.

i'm at peace...when i turn on my ipod and just go running outside on the sidewalk.

but i'm at complete peace...when my heart is beating furiously and i'm lying on the grass, staring up at the leaves wavering in the wind. the music is flowing through the earphones, burying deep into my soul.

yet when i come back into reality, i sink to the depths of worry.it's just not happening for me.so what do i do now?

i love the rain the most.when it stops.

2008-10-08T13:25:00.000-07:00

i finished stretching, put the keys in my butt pocket, grabbed my ipod shuffle and walked out my dorm room. one look at the window kept me from walking any further. it was pouring hard, no kidding. i shut the door and pondered for a few minutes, debating whether i should risk getting sick or just walk to ccrb. i decided to take a risk and it was totally worth it.

i didn't get sick because the rain dimmed down after a minute i started running. i took the opposite route from the normal one i take. it was blissful running towards the open sky past the chabad house and back to law quad.i literally ran through all the stone paths of law quad.it's one of those impulsive moments that i'll look back on and laugh at. for some reason, i thought that running through all the paths would eventually lead me into law school. it was just a passing thought, which i hope will come true.: )

it was a really good work-out.i came back sweating more than i've ever sweated here. haha i really miss taiwan's humidity. sweating feels so good when you're alone.

Bayu really loves me.but i hate him.

2008-10-08T06:43:00.000-07:00

BAYU has been sending me an email notification every other day or so. i have finally deleted all types of P2P programs. i guess it doesn't count as disabled until you empty out your trash and restart your computer. BAYU really ticks me off.

by the way, BAYU stands for Be Aware You're Uploading.

okay hopefully i'm safe from internet termination now.: | goodness.this just makes me want to go back to the motherland where we can download HOWEVER MUCH WE WANT without having to worry about stupid BAYU emails.

just for laughs.

2008-10-06T21:37:00.001-07:00

today as i was walking in the hallway of 2nd cooley, i overheard these two guys talking:

"ann arbor is gotham city. we need a black knight."

i couldn't stop smiling after i heard that. i seriously love it when people use wordplay like that. not to be racist or anything, but that does fit quite well especially since today is the last day for voters to register for the upcoming election.

by the way,i just witnessed a guy getting locked out. he came into the library to ask his roommate for his key. it actually makes me feel slightly better now when i think about my record of 8 times. i don't think anyone can beat that easily. and i hope you never will.: | so careless. but i will learn.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSS IT WORKS!

2008-10-05T19:41:00.001-07:00

I have finally set up my printer after leaving it to gather dust for a month. it's a wireless printer, but i simply can't set it up properly wireless. so i thought that i had to get a usb connector to the printer. meijier's didn't have it (they told me that i needed to contact the printer company for the cord) so i thought i had to buy at staples or on amazon. however, this past month, i haven't gotten the chance to go to staples, and i'm still a bit reluctant about buying stuff on amazon (my physics textbook took 3 weeks to get here.i returned it right after it got it because it came too late).

i'm using my ethernet cable. so relieved because it took me around 5 minutes to print my papers out at RESCOMP an hour ago. that triggered me to set-up my printer ASAP because i was just so sick of waiting in line for it to print (not the mention all the time wasted just getting to RESCOMP and back). yeah. it's time to be time-efficient.i'm sleeping at 11:30 tonight. no more 3 am library sessions.

i need this.to break.

2008-10-05T16:14:00.000-07:00

I need this old train to breakdown 
Oh, please just let me please breakdown 
I need this old train to breakdown
Oh, please just let me please breakdown 

I want to break on down
But I can't stop now
Let me break on down

He does it for love.so should we.

2008-10-02T07:26:00.000-07:00

"Because he loves me," says the Lord,
"I will rescue him;
i will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation." - Psalms 91: 14-16-

Your love is so great.so satisfying.i cannot express it merely with words, but thank You for showing me this passage this morning. now i feel at peace again because i am once again reminded of Your ever-present love.願全部的榮耀歸給你!

晨更

2008-09-30T07:11:00.000-07:00

i read from Psalms 88 today.

"For my soul is full of trouble" -psalms 88:3

at times, it is.recently, i have been quite troubled.

"...you have overwhelmed me with all your waves." - psalms 88:7

it's funny how i've been saying how overwhelmed i am. i really think God chose this passage for me specifically this morning.

"i call to you, O Lord, every day; i spread out my hands to you." -88:9

i'm always calling on Him. if i had a phone bill for my calls to heaven, i think it would be pretty expensive.

"But i cry to you for help. O Lord; in the morning my prayer comes before you..."-88:13

this morning, i accidently went on facebook before reading God's Word. : | i feel quite guilty but after reading these four particular verses, i feel redeemed in Him again.

i would totally put these four verses together as a short poem, just to remind myself that He is my provider, my help in times of need or peace.: | but i must not be lofty and think He was made for me. it's the other way around. God, please use me as You intended. don't let me get in the way of Your plan.

je ne sais pas.真的

2008-09-29T19:16:00.001-07:00

What is the meaning of this
Whenever I find something out
I just shudder and shake my head
As if I can shake it out of me
That’s what I’d like to believe
It’s never going to be easy for me to ignore
What happens, eventually stays with me
I continue to walk the steps of my life
Because I believe in a greater purpose
At the moment, I feel like I’m getting swept away
I’m overwhelmed
But I am willing to pray
Only You have the power to save
My sinking boat
Lift me out of the depths of my head, Lord.

it's all cleared.

2008-09-29T11:57:00.001-07:00

i'm so thankful that we can go back to being good friends again.: )

the irony of it all.

2008-09-27T16:29:00.000-07:00

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, cos you and I were never meant to be
I think you better leave; it’s not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on.

Alright then (Alright then) I can keep your number
for a rainy day,
That’s when its set, no mistakes no misbehaving,
I was doing so well, can we just be friends,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now; you’re as close as it gets without touching me,
Oh now don’t make it harder than it already is,
I feel a weakness coming on.



it's not your fault.i'm not too sure why it happened
the way it happened.this is by far the most shocking
experience i have ever had. it just keeps getting
more and more exciting.no kidding.

haha.the way God answers my prayers: )

2008-09-25T11:48:00.000-07:00

yeahhhhh 100% for today's participation grade in physics of music! there were only two questions, which makes it all the better: )))))))

marteen (that's how you say it.not too sure about the spelling): "the three of us make a good team. we should sit together more."

i totally agree. marteen was sitting alone on the side with two empty seats on her sides so took the one close to the aisle.her friend john sat down on her right and we discussed the questions together during class.it's quite fun when you know at least two of your classmates in a 60-person lecture.yeah.: ) john was all dressed up (dress shirt, belt, and formal pants) because he had to go convince the police that his crossing during a red light at night wasn't faulty.haha don't know how well that will go but i hope it's not too big of a deal.it made me quite grateful that i don't have to worry about speeding or parking tickets.but i do miss driving.: |haha

alright i have class in 13 minutes.nietzsche here we go again.we have to read at least 2 more of his books before this semester ends.ah.at least "the birth of tragedy" is over.: )