this is one of those moments

there comes a time when escaping from responsibility will not do.
when putting off talking on the phone with my parents reaches a point of disobedience.
when the pimples on my face clearly reflect how irresponsibly i've been living.
when my lack of attention span or selective attention is driving down to nil even in the social scene.
when my identity crisis as an overly balanced ABC is making me more of an outsider than a person who can mesh into both groups.
when my lack of motivation to learn new songs on the guitar is starting to reflect my lack of motivation to learn anything.
when my calling is still unclear and my patience is running out, thus affecting the earnestness in my prayers.
when i reach the end of my thought and say to myself: "what was i thinking? nothing worth mentioning" and i give up sharing anything at all.

and to those who withhold from others, they will be withheld from as well. as you can see, that is me.

i am not my own.

this has been a hard concept to accept: i am not my own. i am not here to fulfill my needs and leave the rest. i am here, to further God's kingdom. this isn't a joke.a story. something i can just toss into the trash can and never expect to see again. God is real and working. i can testify to this because i speak from my own life's experiences.

yes, college has not been smooth. i've completed two songs in the span of half a year (all-time low) and it's a really good thing i don't have to base my self-worth on my grades. my faith is not my escape route - it is what defines it. though i fall short in faith a lot of days, i am still certain that God will lead me through every trial He may put in my way. for some reason i feel that the end is near - or my end is near. i am no longer uneasy about the talk or thought of death. it is good that God hasn't given me a life that i would have a hard time giving up.

as i sit here in the UGLI, i start to think: really?

the longer i live here, the more i begin to see how living in the States is not "better" in any way. at times, it seems even worse than being back home.actually, home has become the ideal situation for me. i know there were, and still are flaws to staying in taiwan, but i can't hep it: i really do miss it for what it is.

as i interact and observe the people around me, i still don't feel a strong connection with the people who grew up here (doesn't matter if they're chinese or asian. here as in America). rather, i find myself instantly connecting to those who are from a different country (and they don't even have to be from taiwan or china.actually, i'm not very tight with the people from china.i have to be careful when i say where i'm from because believe it or not, i really think a good number of them get offended when i say i'm from "taiwan.") strange how my perspective has changed in terms of building relationships with others.

i have less than an hour to work on this women's studies midterm paper due this friday. i pray that i will be able to finish it soon. sometimes it's really not about the GPA anymore. i know it should be but i'm finding so much more to life than getting good grades. this could be a form of escapism but i wouldn't give up any of the things God has given to me this semester.

我很好

i eat lots of fruit and vegetables (even though i only took a few bites out of my salad for dinner tonight.i'm running low on tolerance for salad)

i eat yogurt everyday.it's kept me healthy so far until now.but i'm on my way back to recovery.

i sleep a good 7-8 hours a day (even though it's not the best period of time)

i haven't exercised in half a month but i will do it during spring break after DUP.

i am still around the same weight when i left home this winter. i don't think i'll ever be able to "gain" weight from eating this dining hall food.

classes are alright.not exciting but i'll manage to finish this term.


don't worry about me.pray for me. that God will continue to show me His will for my life.thank you.