9:20 a.m.

I finally managed to wake up past 8 this morning. considering that i'm on break right now, i should be catching up on sleep. the excitement and joy of being at home has kept me from over-sleeping.

"Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."-Psalm 90:12-
what better verse to start off the year? i cannot think of another one.suggestions?

i find this quote very true and i particularly like how this person worded it:
"knowing that God loves us comes by faith;
feeling His love for us comes by relationship."

becoming an overwoman.

even though i still think Nietzsche is an extremely sexist and biased individual, he did make some pretty good points about life and humanity. one of his main principles was the importance of overcoming the self.

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."- Philippians 3:13-

I must let go of the past wrongs, my past behavior - the old me. I have to take a step forward without turning around to look at what I'm leaving behind. this means taiwan too. i have approximately one week left here and like it or not, it's going to pass me by faster than i want it to and i'll be back at school in no time. so in order not to waste more time thinking about rigidly frozen past memories, i need to overcome my sometimes annoying habit of "thinking too much."


God, please set me free from the past. the happened. the familiar. it's time to breakthrough and make new. i embrace the new year that is to come.

future goals.

so you asked me what my future goals are - the thing(s) i have to do to make my semester worthwhile. here they are:


1. spread the gospel to more people
2. find out whether public policy is my calling from God or not
3. join an a capella, dance, or photography club (not sure if i'll be able to handle all three of them plus AIVCF)
4. make prayer a powerful part of my life
5. read karl marx and c.s. lewis
6. finish the Old Testament
7. come out with a 3rd album (learn more songs on guitar as well.more techniques)
8. stop losing weight, complaining about dorm food (food in general)
9. stay close with those who are close to me now, but at the same time step out there and meet new friends

Christmas Eve.

"it makes me feel like a child again...
the snow all around me is falling all around me.it's falling all around me.
what's coming my why? should have worn a thicker coat today because i'm afraid of accidents."- "snow (demo" by abbie stauffer.

i love the songs she writes. and even better when she sends me a recorded file so i can listen to them repetetively however many times i want. love love it.

tiff pan

it's a beautiful day.at home.: )

the sun is constantly wrapping it's arms around my shoulder as i sit on the bench outside of the house, talking to my mom. i breathe in the fresh summer air even though it is supposed to be winter here. it's as if i had never left, but i know something must have changed while i wasn't here. besides two bathrooms remodeled and my bookshelf shifted to the end of my bed, there is no conspicuous difference. i am relieved that the grass and trees are still going green in this part of the world - pearly white can be a little eye-piercing at times. yet, something must have changed. maybe not the house, my room, my parents, or grandparents. i get the gist that it is me who has

changed, yet stuck to her beliefs and roots,
lost, but found many others in return
embittered, but been learning to love at a distance and most of all: to forgive,
tried, but not devoid of hope.instead, it increases as the days go on.



i am genuinely thrilled and grateful to be home this Christmas. thank You for bringing me through the past four months in Ann Arbor. the journey has only begun, yet i am in need of restoration and peace. thank You for giving me just that. coming home is the best Christmas gift I have ever received.

osaka airport.

half an hour to kill. ALMOST.there. ah i didn't do too well overall this term in terms of grades. i could see it coming though. sometimes the classes you choose out of interest turn out to be the hardest courses. je ne comprends pas. must do better next semester. but i'm not going to worry about school for 16 days. there's just more to life.

DONE.回家吧...

i'm currently awake for abbie to come and visit me one last time before my flight, which is in less than 12 hours!!!!!!i could scream with excitement right now but sleepiness and silent hours are keeping me from doing that.

"breath me"-sia performed by testimony a capella is playing on my itunes right now. i should change it due to unwanted resurfacing memories, but i'm not going to.i've made up my mind not to classify things in such an extreme manner because it is impossible to completely de-intertwine yourself from certain situations sometimes. so, in order to continue to live without the cost of regrets, i have to accept it. accepting it is not just nodding my head and saying it's all past me. accepting it means taking steps in the snow where no one has trodden on yet. it means setting, walking bravely in my own path. to HEY with the cost of regrets, mistakes, unhappiness, depression, insomnia, anger, frustration, losing, forgetfulness, carelessness, and all the other flaws i possess. to HEY with it.

=========================================

going home.today.done.with finals.got.two letter grades back already.still waiting for the other two.but so far.i have a 3.5 gpa.i.shall.do better.next term.trust.trust.have faith.in this life i lead.and even more in the One who leads.me.

love wash over a multitude of things

bitterness can eat up the soul
past trappings are nothing but haunted houses
that i never want to step in again.

brokenness is not easily healed
glue can hold, but the cracks still remain
God's hand has to intervene.eventually for anything to change.

life here has opened my eyes
to the hurt and injustice that plagues this land
i am appalled, but i trust God has a plan

use me, Lord in the way You see fit
teach me to love others as if they were my kin
let me let go of the past wrongs, my multitude of sins.

almost.home

one more week!!!! i'm currently studying in the benz, but i seriously wish i were on the plane back home instead. fast forward to a week, please. two more exams. then i'm out.

onze jours.

best of studying and results on finals. can't believe i'm finally going home after these past four months. nonetheless oh so grateful.


Thank You, God.for giving me this life.for giving me multiple chances to start over. for meeting me in the ordinary.for telling me that's it's okay to be ordinary and nothing but ordinary. Thank You. i can't say it enough.

it's really the small things that hold me near.

I opened my eyes from a 10-hour sleep and felt like the ultimate escapist. in the midst of everyone else's lack of sleep, i could still find time to sleep more than the usual 7-8 hours. With French class cancelled due to the oral exam and my oral session moved till thursday lunch, I was free to spend the morning CHOOSING COURSES. i write this in capital letters because it is not something i enjoy doing very much.but then again, what have i really been enjoying lately?

i went to physics of music and my nietzsche writing seminar after lunch. i ended up writing poetry in both classes. detached and dejected, i walked out into the cold to meet alissa (friend from choir) at mason hall to walk to the school of public health. we got there a good 15 minutes after rehearsal had begun. i finally managed to slip on ice for the first time since it started snowing. i was in a hurry to turn around from the first door we tried to open (it was locked, obviously) and fell on my knee. amazingly, it didn't hurt at all.

even during east quad small group Christmas banquet practice, i was just going through the motions, enjoying myself because it was the right thing to do, not because i was truly involved. two hours after small group, zhongnan called me to tell me that he forgot to give us east quaders the december issue for crossculture.

honestly, i only read my sister's article in the last issue. i felt compelled to read the whole issue this time and i am glad that i did. i knew everyone who wrote an article in the issue and was very encouraged by each of their insightful sharings. thanks, zhongnan for walking back to east quad to pass them out.

just then on my way to the resonance room (a.k.a women's bathroom), i saw a girl in my hall crying on the phone in the lounge. i felt compelled to bring her some tissue. thinking that thin toilet paper wasn't very sincere, i went back to my room to get some nice lotion puffs tissue. she looked so grateful when i put them next to her on the couch. who knew a simple act of kindness could put a temporary smile on a crying face. the simplest things are often ignored, overlooked = suppressed to the corner because there are "more important things" to deal with. she knocked on my door just then to say thank you.

i was dejected, detached, and confused.but i end today on a lighter note: there is hope for the world when you truly believe that the small things can ignite a bigger flame.


to my parents: i am alive and well. although i did have thoughts many a time that i could be depressed, even up until today, but because of God, i am ok. don't worry too much about me - i am in God's hands. i'll be home in 15 days (believe it or not). talk to you guys then.