one last thing.

tiff pan says: (2:01:39 AM)
still awake
tiff pan says: (2:01:45 AM)
don't hesitate
tiff pan says: (2:01:46 AM)
to relate
tiff pan says: (2:01:59 AM)
it is our fate
tiff pan says: (2:02:13 AM)
to say what we mean.even in times when we cannot think
tiff pan says: (2:02:33 AM)
properly we were never standard
tiff pan says: (2:02:49 AM)
we just wear our lanyards, hoping we'll blend in with the rest
tiff pan says: (2:03:03 AM)
and no offend, learn to accept, the differences and unfairness
tiff pan says: (2:03:27 AM)
but eventually we have to come to terms with ourselves: what's good for us and what isn't
tiff pan says: (2:03:46 AM)
and make amends, find ways around it, until we reach the end: heaven.

back in the benz.not the car.

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support the asian artists out there.

just to name off a few of my own favorites:

Magnetic North ( a Vietnamese rapping duo)
Corinne May
Vienna Teng
KevJumba (yes i've been watching his youtube videos recently)
WongFu Productions (Ted and Phil!!!)
Jennifer Chung (she did a really good job with "New Soul")
Marie Digby (well she's half Chinese)


see it's quite a list. YAY FOR ASIAN ARTISTS OUT THERE! great inspiration, really.

a whiff of nostalgia.

as my jaws circulate the piece of Extra herbal xylitol gum in a planetary yet springy motion, i am reminded of Taiwan on this big Chinese holiday, New Years Day. the sweetness slowly dissolves as the number of people on the Diag becomes sparse and slow. layers and layers of Northface and UGGs are prevalent in the campus scene.

in contrast, i walk to class in my pearl Net feather jacket and boots from JC Penny. does it bother me that at times i feel out of place?

yes, but not because of what i'm wearing. it goes deeper than that - it is the constant identity reasserting i must become comfortable doing.

does it annoy me that the dining halls can't make Chinese food, espcially on Chinese New Year?

yes. i have completely given up on eating cooked tofu here. they don't know how to make it but they try anyway. i am going to the dinner in half an hour but i've learned to not expect anything.

does having to come into interaction with a person part of a frat or sorority almost daily shake my perception of Greek life?

yes and no. the fact that i still refuse to attend the mass meetings or events even after personal invites in person and on facebook explains my decision. i admit that i feel a bit annoyed when i overhear people talking about how this sorority is better than the other one when standing in line for lunch. but then again some of my classmates in my English 225 class are in sororities and fraternities. does that mean i shun them out? no, i had a workshop session with one of them today, though i do feel some distance whenever i'm talking to them. getting a text message from a dorm friend asking if i have slacks is self-explanatory. i can't get away from it - it is a choice pof lifestyle that is very desired and ubiquitous at this school. so i must learn to accept it and not judge the next person i see carrying an alpha kappa sigma tote bag.

thus concludes my reflections of the day as the sky turns dirty grey as my banana peel rots away on the table.

(i think i was partly inspired by kevjumba's random youtube videos.)

poem written during women's studies discussion

it's so hard to break this
but i believe it can be different
these restrictions
come from discrimination
in this generation
unfairness
dispersion
so many definitions
for the same diction
oh i wish this was fiction
this life that we're living
the history, the happened
the present, the unexpected
it all comes down to racism
sexism, heterosexism
and we're back to these limitations. again.

ah.what's the use to knowing all the answers?

call-backs are on monday. i had a feeling i wouldn't get in on first try. nothing comes easily anymore. it never did - i think i just want to believe that there was one point in my life where it was closer to perfect. ah my disillusioned imagination.

lucy schwartz's lyrics make a lot of sense:
"when it all comes down to it
what's the use in knowing all the answers?"

for tonight, it would have been an earlier bedtime and less pimples. but then again, no matter how early i sleep, i still have pimples on my face. it's really affected by my mood.and i'm constantly thinking too much about things i should've abandoned in my head a long time ago.haha.that's me.i will change.gradually.slowly, but i am.always in the process. and i will learn to love the process more than the result.eventually.

how do i change? or is this how i am made?

so.linguistics is not my strongest subject. hahaha. well i gave it a shot.just like so many other things in my life: piano, violin, softball, crystal choir, french. sigh. did i ever have a strong point? something i could count on, be proud of?

it used to be singing. harmonizing. creating music. but what is it now? singing opportunities are dwindling when they're supposed to be thriving.without a choir/a capella group, my chances of harmonizing are small. creating music? 2 unofficial self-made albums doesn't make me professional. sigh.

what am i doing here? i can't even focus on doing hw anymore. all i want to do is escape from my responsibilities. i don't know what i'm pursuing so i can't seem to put in my full effort. linguistics. eh.english.stuck. stats.boring. women's studies.long. am i just too picky?

first lesson: humility

i woke up this morning feeling pretty at ease. went down to breakfast, came back upstairs and cheked my email. haha.i didn't get into kopitonez. it's funny how i thought it went well. it was all fake though.i guess they were just not impressed. now it's going to be a bit awkward seeing these people again. sigh. sucks how a few of them are in AIV.wow. i think this is the first singing audition i didn't pass. this is humility. humility. humility.

i have yet to learn persistence, reflection, boldness, and trust. God grant me the strength to keep trying even when nothing is coming easily.

God grants sleep to those whom He loves.: )

I just slept for 9 hours straight and it feels great! I love waking up not because I have to but because i have the freedom of choice to do so. that's one thing i'm glad is different from high school. sleeping at 12 is way better than sleeping at 4. it's insane how i didn't get this until i tried both sleeping schedules. people have told me again and again why sleeping late is bad, not worth trying but i just had to go through it myself before making the decision not to do so anymore.

while my tuition is still getting processed by the school (wrote a check and gave it to them on friday but since they don't work on the weekends or on MLK day, it hasn't been accepted officially yet), i am enjoying temporarily "unpaid" resources.haha: )

trying out for a capella tonight. "kopintonez" is the group i'm auditioning for. if i get in, i get to go to lunar ball for free since they are invited to perform at the event. haha that shouldn't be my main incentive for joining. i do love to sing.but even more with others when i get to harmonize with them.: ) it makes me so free.

hyper.active.

i'm sitting in my dorm room alone at 2:30 in the morning. i should be asleep but i just got of the phone with my parents.25-minute phone call.i'm going to make an effort to call my grandparents and parents this semester. i didn't call them even once last semester. i let them call me. but i'm going to start taking the initiative now. because i want to.and they deserve it.after all they've done for me.i miss them...especially now more than ever as Chinese New Years draws nearer. january 26th should be off as MLK is. i'm proud to be Chinese. i will celebrate the Year of the cow, mahjong or no mahjong, gala or no gala (there's a CNY gala going on next week that some of my Chinese friends are going to).

===========================

life has never been better. it could be the lateness of the night (or should i say, the earliest hours of the morning?) or the two episodes of grey's anatomy and private practice i just watched. but tonight, i feel good. i feel good about life. about this moment. my dad said something must have happened within this past week, maybe finding "the right guy." well, i'm sorry to disappoint you dad but it's not a guy. it's better. He is God. He is changing my perspective slowly on life.

He is showing me how the pursuit of happiness is not something we think about normally but so important. just like the pursuit of peace. the pursuit of keeping in contact. the pursuit of education. the pursuit of godliness, of acquiring the fruits of the Spirit. these things don't come running into our lives. we need to pursue them. Pursuing God is key - only then will these things come into the picture.

it's getting later. i should be asleep. but i had a spurt of inspiration and decided to write it down.
michelle: i appreciate your mentioning of me in your latest blogpost. i know i can't always be there for you (am not there in person for the most part. i'll miss spending CNY with you this year), but just know that God is accessible at all times (no phone bill! blessedness of calling to heaven) and skype credits are affordable (for the people on earth, like your family and me haha).

沒什麼大不了

今天晚上我有一點無聊
好想找你聊一聊
可是沒什麼大不了
我可以自己熬
沒什麼大不了
人總是會覺得無聊
===========================

when i say i'm bored, i actually mean i'm lonely. both are pathetic and apathetic (ahaha doesn't that just make perfect sense?) states of mind but unfortunately, i have had my share of loneliness. it's like eating dark chocolate. the bitterness makes it hard to swallow but the hidden shade of sweetness makes you keep wanting more. i say this because feeling low gives you an excuse to not deal with anything at all - this is the alluring part. as an escapist (i wish i could say former escapist. i will have to work on letting this part of me change), i've looked for and gone down almost all the possible ways of escaping from reality. none have proved sufficient except being in my Father's arms.

沒關係 : )

to my parents:

我很好.today, i began my day with prayer. i haven't felt so peaceful for the longest time. this is something God has been trying to teach me for quite awhile now. i woke up for breakfast today despite that i got over my jetlag already. i will try to get more muscles from exercising (i have yet to start doing that again). 我自己也知道我有一點太瘦了.: )



i love having the morning hours to myself. i finished paul coelho's "like the flowing river" this morning.: ) good book full of daily inspiration and interesting short recollections. this is the third coelho book i've had the pleasure of reading. i was partly able to sleep till 8 this morning (as opposed to 4 like the past two days) because i stayed up playing with photoshop.: ) it was a lot of fun. i think editing photos and designing on the computer is one of the few things i can really focus on without thinking about the thoughts i'm trying to suppress and forget about. ever since last night, i have been at peace. thank God.

wanderer.wondering.waiting.wishing.

The curtain falls, down she goes
So long worth
All the applause seems beautiful
It's got a hold on her
She whispers, "I'll go home"
And then she's reminded
That she doesn't know where that is

Thought she belonged
But she knows she don't
Thought she had love
But it is not enough
The pain inside is speaking to her
How could she feel like this
So aimless

His glass falls
Breaks into a thousand pieces
Spilling out all he's tried to hide
"I only wanted to be strong, to be brave
But it's driven everyone away"

Thought he belonged
But he knows he don't
Thought he had love
But it is not enough
The pain inside is speaking to him
How could he feel like this
So aimless

I've been him, and I've been her
Covered up under the dirt
I want to get out
I want to be free
And know where I'm going

Thought I belonged
But I know I don't
Thought I had love
But it is not enough
An aching inside speaking to me
How could I feel like this
So aimless

They've always known this wasn't home
I've always known this wasn't home

-"Aimless"-Bethany Dillon

redefining "home."

i'm back in ann arbor. all unpacked, settled back into my dorm room. it's 2:05 a.m. i am awake because i skipped dinner and ate my first pack of pow mien after not touching it for a month. i slept for 7 consecutive hours from 5 p.m to 11:40. classes start tomorrow so i better go sleep and get rid of this jet lag.

a friend once told me that home shouldn't be the place where you spent most of your life, where your family is, or even your favorite place in the world. when you close your eyes and reside in the presence of God, you should be home. the home we have now that we call "home" is just a temporary place we constantly look forward to being in.

i could just be telling myself this because i'm currently feeling a bit homesick (already... i know right?) i really want to enjoy life here - to really feel at ease and not constantly in a tornado of worries.

first semester was more like an earthquake, in the sense that so many things broke and changed. maybe i still need to heal from the impact. i am sick of rushing for time and feeling impatient constantly. yet, time is short and always leaving us behind when we stop to reflect back on the past. i'm praying for direction.but most of all courage and passion to follow my calling, whatever it may be.

the problem of pain.

c.s. lewis really does make you think more about your own existence. i am not done reading the book yet, but i plan on finishing it tonight.



honestly, i am troubled. constantly struggling.with my thoughts.my perceptions on life. on existence.on humanity. on love.on honesty.on truth.on God. on sin. on corruption.the list could go on.



so much is unknown.so much we could possibly be worrying about.but doesn't God tell us NOT to worry? "to NOT be anxious about ANYTHING, but in EVERYTHING, but by prayer and petition, present your requests to God?" i still don't understand why we can't take to His promise to heart. i need to break free from this bondage of sin i have let Satan wrap around my heart. i know what he is trying to do making all these flashbacks occur in my mind when i am clearly past it already. God, save me from this trap and bring me back to life - real living.

where do i go now?

as my time in taiwan once again draws to a close, i am, once again, reluctant to leave.


i guess this is the part where coming back after 4 months makes going back even harder than the first time. this is an endless, painful journey huh. i was so sure about myself a few days ago. now that i have a new year, a new semester - a new beginning, i am not feeling as brave as i was before when i still had a lot of time.


God, i need You to hold my hand. why does it seem like i cannot find complete peace and joy in the places i go? the people i meet?