a whiff of nostalgia.

as my jaws circulate the piece of Extra herbal xylitol gum in a planetary yet springy motion, i am reminded of Taiwan on this big Chinese holiday, New Years Day. the sweetness slowly dissolves as the number of people on the Diag becomes sparse and slow. layers and layers of Northface and UGGs are prevalent in the campus scene.

in contrast, i walk to class in my pearl Net feather jacket and boots from JC Penny. does it bother me that at times i feel out of place?

yes, but not because of what i'm wearing. it goes deeper than that - it is the constant identity reasserting i must become comfortable doing.

does it annoy me that the dining halls can't make Chinese food, espcially on Chinese New Year?

yes. i have completely given up on eating cooked tofu here. they don't know how to make it but they try anyway. i am going to the dinner in half an hour but i've learned to not expect anything.

does having to come into interaction with a person part of a frat or sorority almost daily shake my perception of Greek life?

yes and no. the fact that i still refuse to attend the mass meetings or events even after personal invites in person and on facebook explains my decision. i admit that i feel a bit annoyed when i overhear people talking about how this sorority is better than the other one when standing in line for lunch. but then again some of my classmates in my English 225 class are in sororities and fraternities. does that mean i shun them out? no, i had a workshop session with one of them today, though i do feel some distance whenever i'm talking to them. getting a text message from a dorm friend asking if i have slacks is self-explanatory. i can't get away from it - it is a choice pof lifestyle that is very desired and ubiquitous at this school. so i must learn to accept it and not judge the next person i see carrying an alpha kappa sigma tote bag.

thus concludes my reflections of the day as the sky turns dirty grey as my banana peel rots away on the table.

(i think i was partly inspired by kevjumba's random youtube videos.)

poem written during women's studies discussion

it's so hard to break this
but i believe it can be different
these restrictions
come from discrimination
in this generation
unfairness
dispersion
so many definitions
for the same diction
oh i wish this was fiction
this life that we're living
the history, the happened
the present, the unexpected
it all comes down to racism
sexism, heterosexism
and we're back to these limitations. again.

ah.what's the use to knowing all the answers?

call-backs are on monday. i had a feeling i wouldn't get in on first try. nothing comes easily anymore. it never did - i think i just want to believe that there was one point in my life where it was closer to perfect. ah my disillusioned imagination.

lucy schwartz's lyrics make a lot of sense:
"when it all comes down to it
what's the use in knowing all the answers?"

for tonight, it would have been an earlier bedtime and less pimples. but then again, no matter how early i sleep, i still have pimples on my face. it's really affected by my mood.and i'm constantly thinking too much about things i should've abandoned in my head a long time ago.haha.that's me.i will change.gradually.slowly, but i am.always in the process. and i will learn to love the process more than the result.eventually.

how do i change? or is this how i am made?

so.linguistics is not my strongest subject. hahaha. well i gave it a shot.just like so many other things in my life: piano, violin, softball, crystal choir, french. sigh. did i ever have a strong point? something i could count on, be proud of?

it used to be singing. harmonizing. creating music. but what is it now? singing opportunities are dwindling when they're supposed to be thriving.without a choir/a capella group, my chances of harmonizing are small. creating music? 2 unofficial self-made albums doesn't make me professional. sigh.

what am i doing here? i can't even focus on doing hw anymore. all i want to do is escape from my responsibilities. i don't know what i'm pursuing so i can't seem to put in my full effort. linguistics. eh.english.stuck. stats.boring. women's studies.long. am i just too picky?

first lesson: humility

i woke up this morning feeling pretty at ease. went down to breakfast, came back upstairs and cheked my email. haha.i didn't get into kopitonez. it's funny how i thought it went well. it was all fake though.i guess they were just not impressed. now it's going to be a bit awkward seeing these people again. sigh. sucks how a few of them are in AIV.wow. i think this is the first singing audition i didn't pass. this is humility. humility. humility.

i have yet to learn persistence, reflection, boldness, and trust. God grant me the strength to keep trying even when nothing is coming easily.

God grants sleep to those whom He loves.: )

I just slept for 9 hours straight and it feels great! I love waking up not because I have to but because i have the freedom of choice to do so. that's one thing i'm glad is different from high school. sleeping at 12 is way better than sleeping at 4. it's insane how i didn't get this until i tried both sleeping schedules. people have told me again and again why sleeping late is bad, not worth trying but i just had to go through it myself before making the decision not to do so anymore.

while my tuition is still getting processed by the school (wrote a check and gave it to them on friday but since they don't work on the weekends or on MLK day, it hasn't been accepted officially yet), i am enjoying temporarily "unpaid" resources.haha: )

trying out for a capella tonight. "kopintonez" is the group i'm auditioning for. if i get in, i get to go to lunar ball for free since they are invited to perform at the event. haha that shouldn't be my main incentive for joining. i do love to sing.but even more with others when i get to harmonize with them.: ) it makes me so free.

hyper.active.

i'm sitting in my dorm room alone at 2:30 in the morning. i should be asleep but i just got of the phone with my parents.25-minute phone call.i'm going to make an effort to call my grandparents and parents this semester. i didn't call them even once last semester. i let them call me. but i'm going to start taking the initiative now. because i want to.and they deserve it.after all they've done for me.i miss them...especially now more than ever as Chinese New Years draws nearer. january 26th should be off as MLK is. i'm proud to be Chinese. i will celebrate the Year of the cow, mahjong or no mahjong, gala or no gala (there's a CNY gala going on next week that some of my Chinese friends are going to).

===========================

life has never been better. it could be the lateness of the night (or should i say, the earliest hours of the morning?) or the two episodes of grey's anatomy and private practice i just watched. but tonight, i feel good. i feel good about life. about this moment. my dad said something must have happened within this past week, maybe finding "the right guy." well, i'm sorry to disappoint you dad but it's not a guy. it's better. He is God. He is changing my perspective slowly on life.

He is showing me how the pursuit of happiness is not something we think about normally but so important. just like the pursuit of peace. the pursuit of keeping in contact. the pursuit of education. the pursuit of godliness, of acquiring the fruits of the Spirit. these things don't come running into our lives. we need to pursue them. Pursuing God is key - only then will these things come into the picture.

it's getting later. i should be asleep. but i had a spurt of inspiration and decided to write it down.
michelle: i appreciate your mentioning of me in your latest blogpost. i know i can't always be there for you (am not there in person for the most part. i'll miss spending CNY with you this year), but just know that God is accessible at all times (no phone bill! blessedness of calling to heaven) and skype credits are affordable (for the people on earth, like your family and me haha).