one last thing.

tiff pan says: (2:01:39 AM)
still awake
tiff pan says: (2:01:45 AM)
don't hesitate
tiff pan says: (2:01:46 AM)
to relate
tiff pan says: (2:01:59 AM)
it is our fate
tiff pan says: (2:02:13 AM)
to say what we mean.even in times when we cannot think
tiff pan says: (2:02:33 AM)
properly we were never standard
tiff pan says: (2:02:49 AM)
we just wear our lanyards, hoping we'll blend in with the rest
tiff pan says: (2:03:03 AM)
and no offend, learn to accept, the differences and unfairness
tiff pan says: (2:03:27 AM)
but eventually we have to come to terms with ourselves: what's good for us and what isn't
tiff pan says: (2:03:46 AM)
and make amends, find ways around it, until we reach the end: heaven.

back in the benz.not the car.

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support the asian artists out there.

just to name off a few of my own favorites:

Magnetic North ( a Vietnamese rapping duo)
Corinne May
Vienna Teng
KevJumba (yes i've been watching his youtube videos recently)
WongFu Productions (Ted and Phil!!!)
Jennifer Chung (she did a really good job with "New Soul")
Marie Digby (well she's half Chinese)


see it's quite a list. YAY FOR ASIAN ARTISTS OUT THERE! great inspiration, really.

a whiff of nostalgia.

as my jaws circulate the piece of Extra herbal xylitol gum in a planetary yet springy motion, i am reminded of Taiwan on this big Chinese holiday, New Years Day. the sweetness slowly dissolves as the number of people on the Diag becomes sparse and slow. layers and layers of Northface and UGGs are prevalent in the campus scene.

in contrast, i walk to class in my pearl Net feather jacket and boots from JC Penny. does it bother me that at times i feel out of place?

yes, but not because of what i'm wearing. it goes deeper than that - it is the constant identity reasserting i must become comfortable doing.

does it annoy me that the dining halls can't make Chinese food, espcially on Chinese New Year?

yes. i have completely given up on eating cooked tofu here. they don't know how to make it but they try anyway. i am going to the dinner in half an hour but i've learned to not expect anything.

does having to come into interaction with a person part of a frat or sorority almost daily shake my perception of Greek life?

yes and no. the fact that i still refuse to attend the mass meetings or events even after personal invites in person and on facebook explains my decision. i admit that i feel a bit annoyed when i overhear people talking about how this sorority is better than the other one when standing in line for lunch. but then again some of my classmates in my English 225 class are in sororities and fraternities. does that mean i shun them out? no, i had a workshop session with one of them today, though i do feel some distance whenever i'm talking to them. getting a text message from a dorm friend asking if i have slacks is self-explanatory. i can't get away from it - it is a choice pof lifestyle that is very desired and ubiquitous at this school. so i must learn to accept it and not judge the next person i see carrying an alpha kappa sigma tote bag.

thus concludes my reflections of the day as the sky turns dirty grey as my banana peel rots away on the table.

(i think i was partly inspired by kevjumba's random youtube videos.)

poem written during women's studies discussion

it's so hard to break this
but i believe it can be different
these restrictions
come from discrimination
in this generation
unfairness
dispersion
so many definitions
for the same diction
oh i wish this was fiction
this life that we're living
the history, the happened
the present, the unexpected
it all comes down to racism
sexism, heterosexism
and we're back to these limitations. again.

ah.what's the use to knowing all the answers?

call-backs are on monday. i had a feeling i wouldn't get in on first try. nothing comes easily anymore. it never did - i think i just want to believe that there was one point in my life where it was closer to perfect. ah my disillusioned imagination.

lucy schwartz's lyrics make a lot of sense:
"when it all comes down to it
what's the use in knowing all the answers?"

for tonight, it would have been an earlier bedtime and less pimples. but then again, no matter how early i sleep, i still have pimples on my face. it's really affected by my mood.and i'm constantly thinking too much about things i should've abandoned in my head a long time ago.haha.that's me.i will change.gradually.slowly, but i am.always in the process. and i will learn to love the process more than the result.eventually.

how do i change? or is this how i am made?

so.linguistics is not my strongest subject. hahaha. well i gave it a shot.just like so many other things in my life: piano, violin, softball, crystal choir, french. sigh. did i ever have a strong point? something i could count on, be proud of?

it used to be singing. harmonizing. creating music. but what is it now? singing opportunities are dwindling when they're supposed to be thriving.without a choir/a capella group, my chances of harmonizing are small. creating music? 2 unofficial self-made albums doesn't make me professional. sigh.

what am i doing here? i can't even focus on doing hw anymore. all i want to do is escape from my responsibilities. i don't know what i'm pursuing so i can't seem to put in my full effort. linguistics. eh.english.stuck. stats.boring. women's studies.long. am i just too picky?