沒什麼大不了

今天晚上我有一點無聊
好想找你聊一聊
可是沒什麼大不了
我可以自己熬
沒什麼大不了
人總是會覺得無聊
===========================

when i say i'm bored, i actually mean i'm lonely. both are pathetic and apathetic (ahaha doesn't that just make perfect sense?) states of mind but unfortunately, i have had my share of loneliness. it's like eating dark chocolate. the bitterness makes it hard to swallow but the hidden shade of sweetness makes you keep wanting more. i say this because feeling low gives you an excuse to not deal with anything at all - this is the alluring part. as an escapist (i wish i could say former escapist. i will have to work on letting this part of me change), i've looked for and gone down almost all the possible ways of escaping from reality. none have proved sufficient except being in my Father's arms.

沒關係 : )

to my parents:

我很好.today, i began my day with prayer. i haven't felt so peaceful for the longest time. this is something God has been trying to teach me for quite awhile now. i woke up for breakfast today despite that i got over my jetlag already. i will try to get more muscles from exercising (i have yet to start doing that again). 我自己也知道我有一點太瘦了.: )



i love having the morning hours to myself. i finished paul coelho's "like the flowing river" this morning.: ) good book full of daily inspiration and interesting short recollections. this is the third coelho book i've had the pleasure of reading. i was partly able to sleep till 8 this morning (as opposed to 4 like the past two days) because i stayed up playing with photoshop.: ) it was a lot of fun. i think editing photos and designing on the computer is one of the few things i can really focus on without thinking about the thoughts i'm trying to suppress and forget about. ever since last night, i have been at peace. thank God.

wanderer.wondering.waiting.wishing.

The curtain falls, down she goes
So long worth
All the applause seems beautiful
It's got a hold on her
She whispers, "I'll go home"
And then she's reminded
That she doesn't know where that is

Thought she belonged
But she knows she don't
Thought she had love
But it is not enough
The pain inside is speaking to her
How could she feel like this
So aimless

His glass falls
Breaks into a thousand pieces
Spilling out all he's tried to hide
"I only wanted to be strong, to be brave
But it's driven everyone away"

Thought he belonged
But he knows he don't
Thought he had love
But it is not enough
The pain inside is speaking to him
How could he feel like this
So aimless

I've been him, and I've been her
Covered up under the dirt
I want to get out
I want to be free
And know where I'm going

Thought I belonged
But I know I don't
Thought I had love
But it is not enough
An aching inside speaking to me
How could I feel like this
So aimless

They've always known this wasn't home
I've always known this wasn't home

-"Aimless"-Bethany Dillon

redefining "home."

i'm back in ann arbor. all unpacked, settled back into my dorm room. it's 2:05 a.m. i am awake because i skipped dinner and ate my first pack of pow mien after not touching it for a month. i slept for 7 consecutive hours from 5 p.m to 11:40. classes start tomorrow so i better go sleep and get rid of this jet lag.

a friend once told me that home shouldn't be the place where you spent most of your life, where your family is, or even your favorite place in the world. when you close your eyes and reside in the presence of God, you should be home. the home we have now that we call "home" is just a temporary place we constantly look forward to being in.

i could just be telling myself this because i'm currently feeling a bit homesick (already... i know right?) i really want to enjoy life here - to really feel at ease and not constantly in a tornado of worries.

first semester was more like an earthquake, in the sense that so many things broke and changed. maybe i still need to heal from the impact. i am sick of rushing for time and feeling impatient constantly. yet, time is short and always leaving us behind when we stop to reflect back on the past. i'm praying for direction.but most of all courage and passion to follow my calling, whatever it may be.

the problem of pain.

c.s. lewis really does make you think more about your own existence. i am not done reading the book yet, but i plan on finishing it tonight.



honestly, i am troubled. constantly struggling.with my thoughts.my perceptions on life. on existence.on humanity. on love.on honesty.on truth.on God. on sin. on corruption.the list could go on.



so much is unknown.so much we could possibly be worrying about.but doesn't God tell us NOT to worry? "to NOT be anxious about ANYTHING, but in EVERYTHING, but by prayer and petition, present your requests to God?" i still don't understand why we can't take to His promise to heart. i need to break free from this bondage of sin i have let Satan wrap around my heart. i know what he is trying to do making all these flashbacks occur in my mind when i am clearly past it already. God, save me from this trap and bring me back to life - real living.

where do i go now?

as my time in taiwan once again draws to a close, i am, once again, reluctant to leave.


i guess this is the part where coming back after 4 months makes going back even harder than the first time. this is an endless, painful journey huh. i was so sure about myself a few days ago. now that i have a new year, a new semester - a new beginning, i am not feeling as brave as i was before when i still had a lot of time.


God, i need You to hold my hand. why does it seem like i cannot find complete peace and joy in the places i go? the people i meet?

9:20 a.m.

I finally managed to wake up past 8 this morning. considering that i'm on break right now, i should be catching up on sleep. the excitement and joy of being at home has kept me from over-sleeping.

"Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."-Psalm 90:12-
what better verse to start off the year? i cannot think of another one.suggestions?

i find this quote very true and i particularly like how this person worded it:
"knowing that God loves us comes by faith;
feeling His love for us comes by relationship."