moving forward.means giving up even the best parts of the past.

by giving up, i mean giving it to God and leaving the past where it's at. there's no sense in toying with it any longer - what could possibly be gained by being reminiscent or hating who you were before? Nil. As I sip this cup of homemade lemonade made by my mom, I ponder why it takes me so long to GET OVER something, to cut myself loose from it.

I guess I'm just a dreamer who thinks that something could always have gone differently if only...blah blah blah. eventually i get tired of thinking, mulling it over in my head. this whole process just makes me sick - i'd rather be doing something else, really. i should be reading a book, recording a song, maybe even getting an extra hour of sleep in before i start training for work tomorrow. the practical side always screams at my idealistic wandering thoughts to get out of this illusion i've trapped myself with.

okay. must -see concerts.

-magnetic north
-jack johnson
-john mayer
-jason mraz
-taylor swift
-switchfoot

haha that's my list.now i will go ticket-searching: )

the joy luck recording session.

2:43. With luck, I'll finish recording this song by 3. After tossing and tussling around with this one 1 min 30 minute song, it is 10 minutes to 4. an hour has gone by and the song has been mangled to a point beyond repair. I solemnly search through the trash on my computer and find the first version of the song, send it back into my itunes folder and listen to it with a skeptical heart.

Sometimes being a perfectionist just makes it harder; it sucks the joy out of playing a song. I guess i'm just too mistake-prone to record well. Nonetheless, I'll complete recording sometime this week. I must say it can be pretty frustrating.

i think i'm getting somewhere with recovery.yesssss

my picture of improvement. believe me, it was a whole lot worse before. I won't show you so you won't be grossed out.


Hey please excuse the last post. I am not so bitter, if bitter at all. I don't think I've been better for the longest time (half a year I would say). Sleep and water have proven to be a faithfully good combination. Plus exercising (excessive sweating). Hm. The natural way to heal is still the most effective. I finished a book called" Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire." I highly recommend it to those who have become complacent Christians.

For one thing, it helped me put Urbana 09 into perspective. I shouldn't be going merely because a bunch of people received their calling from God at the conference. There's no location or situation that can force God to reveal Himself; He's everywhere, in everyone. It's time I started looking and listening with a sincere heart again.

This may seem like common sense or just plain basic but I never really thought about how the more we seek God, understand and raise our level of awareness for righteousness and love, the more He will equip us, manifest Himself in our lives and the lives around us. We have to want it first before God can do anything with and within us. Basic truths always get me; thanks, God for revealing this lesson to me this morning.

I need to get the laundry so I'll post later.: )

hm.i'm so human.

Woke up at 5:30 this morning to send my sister off to the airport back to AA. Needless to say, my face is a mess; esp. since I squeezed all my pimples out. Seriously - I am so sick of looking into the mirror and seeing my face all dotted with red CRATERS and concave yellow BOMBSHELLS. I have to say it: this is a joke that has been played on me for way too long. I am getting quite bitter and annoyed at this whole healing face ordeal.

It's not a big deal, compared to so many other things but for some reason, it gets to me. It breaks my confidence down, it hinders me from wanting to take pictures, it is...NOT HEALING.

I don't mean to be pessimistic and spoiled about this little problem but it is trying my patience. Two dermatologists tell me different methods of curing my face - none of them work. This seems like a battle I can't win- I'm hoping that after reaching the worst condition possible, I will heal completely and have better skin than I had before. What a dreamer I am.

new love. LENKA: )

"Knock Knock"-Lenka

A second
A minute
An hour
A day goes by
I'm hopin' 
Just to be by your side
I'm turnin'
The handle
It won't open
Don't make me wait
Cause right now 
I need your smile
Knock knock

Haha: ) It's such a cute song! I wonder how
old she is...probably early 20s. Favorite line:
"i need you smile, knock knock."


When life had locked me out
I turned to you
So open the door
'Cause you're all I need right now it's true
Nothin' works like you

AHAHAHAH. I've locked myself out so many times
I can totally relate. Much thanks for my friend
Aisyah for letting me stay in her room whenever
I needed to. 

Little louder
Little louder
Little louder knockin'
Little louder
Little louder

Haha I wonder why the person isn't opening.

A warm bath
A good laugh
An old song
That you know by heart
I've tried it 
But they all leave me cold
So now I'm 
Here waiting 
To see you,
My remedy 
For all that's 
Been hurting me.

Wow I can relate this song to my friends. This verse reminds me
of my friend Abbie. I've also slept on her couch
countless times this past year. She helped me through
some of the toughest situations and I will always be grateful
for knowing her.: )

You seem to know the way
To turn my frown 
Upside down
You always know what to say
To make me feel like everything's okay

Hm....I would say this bridge goes to Pearl. She has so much
wisdom (to me) and is always willing to share it with me. I love
her so much and can't wait to see her in Taipei sometime this coming week.


I just really like this song and wanted to share it with you guys.: )

evening talk.time for a walk.

Rethinking the lyrics of "Be My Escape"-Relient K.

I’ve given up on giving up slowly
I’m blending in so you won’t even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention
It’s my one last shot at redemption
Cause I know to live you must give your life away

to become a matyr? a brave God-lover to the point
where it's okay for you to die?"for to live is
Christ and to die is gain."
-philippians

And I’ve been housing all this doubt
and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me
And even though there’s no way of knowing
Where to go
I promise I’m going because…

Haha trapped in a house.trapped inside of
ourselves, our selfish desires.
not literally.when i first heard this song when
i was 15, i thought of it
as a child being locked up in the house by the
 parents because of something the
child did. grounded is what you call it haha.

I gotta get out of here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get out of here
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

Sin. Problems. Mistakes. Human nature. Begging
God to help us out, always.
And He never fails to do so even though we are
 quite despicable.


I’ve given up on doing this alone now
Guess I failed and I’m ready to be shown how
You told me the way and now I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Yeah.self-sufficiency won't do..in the long-run.
the key is humility
and obedience to God. "Life sentence" refers to..
the life that we have on earth huh. Life isn't fair
because God made it that way - we are so sinful yet
God continues to love us without fail.Hm.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self-detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for you to do what you can with me
But I can’t ask you to give what you already gave.

Adam and Eve. Hostages we are to sin. "Forced to live." Even
though we have free will, we are still captives of sin
a lot of the time. Pray that God will have mercy on us
and use us to the max. That is true; we can't ask for
salvation when He has already given it to us. something
to mull over.

I fought you for so long
I should have let you in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin (oh)
But so were you
So were you

"saving my own skin." OHHHH God is trying
to save our skin as well!!! I get it.
I used to still think of the "you" as
a girlfriend so i thought the girl was trying
to save herself, like everyone else is.Haha.
I think when i first heard it, i forgot that Relient K.
is a Christian band. Wow i'm really starting to appreciate
how they weaved in God into this song. sweet.

how come it feels like I've been eighteen for the longest time?

I know my birthday is ALMOST here but it seems like I've been waiting for this day to come for a long time. I just want to pass this birthday line and keep going. Kind of like a marker in my life I feel somewhat inclined to meet. Haha. It's a strange thing to be thinking about because birthdays are usually seen just as a reason to celebrate and go out with friends. True, true that's why I've always found birthdays very important and fun but there must be something more to it that I've been missing all these years.

When I was younger, I came up with the conclusion that my birthday takes longer than everyone else's to come because it's in the middle of the year. For example, people with birthdays in December feel like they keep turning another year older because right when they pass their birthday, a new year begins again and they are reminded of how they will be...well older. Haha. It all depends on how you perceive time. So seeing that my birthday is in June, I wait half a year to turn another year older, than another half year for the rest of the year to end so I can be closer to turning...well older.

Despite that, I'm glad to have done all the things I've done this past year and await for fill into the shoes of my new age: nineteen. The idea is becoming more familiar because I constantly think about it. It seems to make the time go slower. Thus, as I am typing up this post, I am still... eighteen. Wow.

a blogpost before the monday outage on blogger.com

Honestly, I haven't been updating because I have nothing to blog about. You think you can live off of nonsense - THAT is nonsense. I'm not accustomed to talking when there's no circulating topic. I often let conversations die when I feel there is no more fuel to keep it burning. Haha. I guess I'm not too good at saying goodbye - I just run.

So many high school events have been happening this past week. I know a lot of my classmates have gone back and attended these but I've kept my distance. The only one I feel a little bit irked for missing was Unplugged. Some of my best high school memories happened there - Pot and Pan performances for one. Our most epic performance was actually our first and last: "Soco Ameretto Lime" and "3-course meal." Da-ang - I will never forget those two performances. Along with Unplugged, there's prom tonight at Lakeshore and graduation was on Wednesday. Even though Lakeshore hotel is right down from my house, I don't have the slightest desire to "go check it out" as an alum. Haha. I believe it's because I didn't enjoy three of the four proms I went to. I will now share with you the awkful (awkward and awful) memories of prom:

Freshman year - I decided to ask my friend Droo to the prom by folding a paper crane and giving it to him at choir. He knew what it was before he opened the paper crane - he said yes. We went together but I wish I didn't ask him because during the whole night, I just wanted to be dancing with someone else. Yes, foolish of me to give into peer pressure and suffer the consequences. I felt bad for constantly ditching him, but I just...didn't want to be with him.

Sophomore year - not much to say really. I enjoyed it : ) It was held in Chubei (different city) at a hotel called "Paris." The theme that year was Moulin Rouge so it was very appropriate.

Junior year- I was in charge of organzing the photos with Nancy. I was walking painfully in my heels the whole night, calling people to take their photos. It didn't help that people were late and all over the place. I had one hour of prom to dance and eat. Not very fun at all. I remember holding blue and yellow glowsticks and thinking "Michigan." Haha.

Senior year - it was raining that day and the location didn't offer cover. I was wearing a floor-length silk dress so when I got inside the building, I had rain stains on my dress. Luckily they dried before I had my pictures taken. Turns out the photographer was worse than the one we found for the seniors in my junior year. [shakes head]. I spent most of the night signing yearbooks in the dark. I was assigned to sit at a table I didn't sign up for - I wasn't able to sit with my good friends because of various reasons. This actually stirred up some furious emotions before prom but I just accepted it on the day since one of guys at my classmates' table refused to switch with me. He wasn't even in my class - this is what I found infuriating. Near the end of the night, my song dedication "Here's to the Night"-Eve 6 came up and needless to say, I was psyched. The juniors announced it as "the last song so go find your date" when it was actually the second to last song. Not one single person in my grade wanted to do a big circle thing - I sat out for that song because I didn't go with a date. Hm. Some tears fell because I felt very left out when the song was my gift to my classmates, except no one appreciated it because of miscommunication. I was too tired and fed up to go to the post-prom party so I went home and slept it off. Horrible prom I must say.