晨更

i read from Psalms 88 today.

"For my soul is full of trouble" -psalms 88:3

at times, it is.recently, i have been quite troubled.


"...you have overwhelmed me with all your waves." - psalms 88:7

it's funny how i've been saying how overwhelmed i am. i really think God chose this passage for me specifically this morning.


"i call to you, O Lord, every day; i spread out my hands to you." -88:9

i'm always calling on Him. if i had a phone bill for my calls to heaven, i think it would be pretty expensive.

"But i cry to you for help. O Lord; in the morning my prayer comes before you..."-88:13

this morning, i accidently went on facebook before reading God's Word. : | i feel quite guilty but after reading these four particular verses, i feel redeemed in Him again.


i would totally put these four verses together as a short poem, just to remind myself that He is my provider, my help in times of need or peace.: | but i must not be lofty and think He was made for me. it's the other way around. God, please use me as You intended. don't let me get in the way of Your plan.

je ne sais pas.真的

What is the meaning of this
Whenever I find something out
I just shudder and shake my head
As if I can shake it out of me
That’s what I’d like to believe
It’s never going to be easy for me to ignore
What happens, eventually stays with me
I continue to walk the steps of my life
Because I believe in a greater purpose
At the moment, I feel like I’m getting swept away
I’m overwhelmed
But I am willing to pray
Only You have the power to save
My sinking boat
Lift me out of the depths of my head, Lord.

it's all cleared.

i'm so thankful that we can go back to being good friends again.: )

the irony of it all.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, cos you and I were never meant to be
I think you better leave; it’s not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on.

Alright then (Alright then) I can keep your number
for a rainy day,
That’s when its set, no mistakes no misbehaving,
I was doing so well, can we just be friends,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now; you’re as close as it gets without touching me,
Oh now don’t make it harder than it already is,
I feel a weakness coming on.



it's not your fault.i'm not too sure why it happened
the way it happened.this is by far the most shocking
experience i have ever had. it just keeps getting
more and more exciting.no kidding.

haha.the way God answers my prayers: )

yeahhhhh 100% for today's participation grade in physics of music! there were only two questions, which makes it all the better: )))))))

marteen (that's how you say it.not too sure about the spelling): "the three of us make a good team. we should sit together more."

i totally agree. marteen was sitting alone on the side with two empty seats on her sides so took the one close to the aisle.her friend john sat down on her right and we discussed the questions together during class.it's quite fun when you know at least two of your classmates in a 60-person lecture.yeah.: ) john was all dressed up (dress shirt, belt, and formal pants) because he had to go convince the police that his crossing during a red light at night wasn't faulty.haha don't know how well that will go but i hope it's not too big of a deal.it made me quite grateful that i don't have to worry about speeding or parking tickets.but i do miss driving.: |haha

alright i have class in 13 minutes.nietzsche here we go again.we have to read at least 2 more of his books before this semester ends.ah.at least "the birth of tragedy" is over.: )

morning music

"the walk" by imogen heap makes me want to dance.: ) i randomly made up two dance moves after listening to it.yep.

drinking a cup of oatmeal right now.throat was so sore this morning from a whole night of not drinking water.it's a bit better now.hopefully i can get well before the weekend haha.i want to enjoy my free time.: )i still will even if i'm still sick.as long as i don't get worse, it's fine with me.

so i finally finished my 5-page paper on how nietzsche's principles apply to modern life. it was definitely a killer. i stayed up till 3 am for the past three nights writing it.i ended up going to angel hall 3 times yesterday to get my paper edited (once was for class.the other two times were for editing.

i have to read my physics of music textbook so i'll be able to get more than half of the questions in class right today.seriously.i'm really enjoying the class, but i'm not doing super well.haha.hopefully i'll pull through this semester with an okay GPA.

giving it a shot

you know the ads you've been seeing on the right-hand bar of facebook? over the past month, i've been seeing the photography and songwriting contest ads over and over again. and now, i'm going to give it a shot and enter them! yeah i'm pretty excited.i'm going to submit everything on thursday not too sure about what i'm going to be submitting yet, but i will know by then.: ) it's totally fine not winning, i just want to have done SOMETHING with my talents after coming to michigan (because frankly, i don't feel like i've been doing anything with them). no idea.but it's time to do something brave.

blog.not lost.

i signed into my previous blog and thought i lost it for a second.thank goodness i could get back to it through michelle's blog links.: )

supposed to be doing my french hw so i can read the two nietzsche packets and START on my paper.i need to finish the paper by wed (preferably so i can get it checked over at the sweetland writing center). it's due on thursday.5 pages on nietzsche is just a...THRILLER.haha.not really.

is this where we part and go our separate ways?

no idea.maybe interacial friendships were never meant to last. i should just go find people who are EXACTLY LIKE ME. i think that would make this a whole lot easier.not sure if taking the easy way out of this is the best thing to do.i guess i still haven't found my place here.18 credits and no clubs.is this worth it?

at the end of my rope

i once said
"throw me a rope"
because i'm about to drift away
this isn't an attempt to attract attention
this is my heart and soul talking
yearning
for love and
thirsting
for God's approval and touch
not getting
what i feel i need
but isn't what we have what we really need?
yet, i am so discontent. so discontent with my life and with myself.

cruel reality

the more people you know, the more problems you'll encounter from knowing them.this is a pessimistic way to put it, but it's true.

don't get myself at all

Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

don't know what's wrong with me

i'm holding a bag of cheerios snack mix in my lap. my itunes is playing.i should be doing hw.all the work i've been complaining about doing, yet i'm not doing it.God, what is wrong with me? why am i so detached from You? from people? from myself?

why am i so selfish? why can't i step outside of myself for just one second. i can't.do this on my own.

content: )

i just came back from the bathroom, and i'm the happiest i've been out of all the times i've set foot in the women's bathroom in cooley house. i was singing in the bathroom because the acoustics are just too good for me to pass up.: ) it was great because no one was there for at least five minutes straight and i was alone with my voice resounding back to me. super content!

previously in the night,i was stressed over my lost/misplaced SD card and card reader.it kills me everytime i lose a camera element.ergh.i have yet to find it. jill (alexis's friend from spanish class) was over so i decided to let them both try taiwanese pow mien.they loved it! they were so cute sitting on the rug, pulling noodles high up into the air from a bowl. it was jill's first accomplished chopsticks experience.: ) thanks to alexis: she taught jill how to use them while i microwaved the water.

fuhan wanted to use the microwave for his canned soup so he ended up sitting in the yellow couch and midnight-snacking with us. it was a lot of fun just laughing at each other (fuhan has microwave-phobia)and i kept "drooling" on jill (chopsticks fell on her jeans, soup splattered on her sweater) so i ended up giving her two bars of hichews to make up for it.haha yeah.

music recommendations

THE WAILIN JENNYS.
"the parting glass"
"beautiful dawn"
"long time traveller"


ani di franco's "both hands" is pretty good too: )


michelle: if you could send me some wailin jennys' songs, that would be beautifully appreciated. hey would you like a michigan t-shirt? or any umich merchandise in particular???? i would love to get you some.: )

thoughts that are going through me right now

"Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held. "- Natalie Grant in "Held"



"It's like the sun is shining
When the rain is pourin' down
It's like my soul is flying
Though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine
There's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
I am strong
All because of you
I stand in awe of
Every mountain that you move
I am changed
Yesterday is gone
I am safe
From this moment on...
And there's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now." -Natalie Grant in "In Better Hands"





and here are my thoughts:

who are we to judge the weak?
what have we done to deserve luxury?
where are we heading or are we just going towards nothing
by ourselves
we are incomplete

in the night
we hope for a sunrise
but it's not always easy to come by

in this life
we expect for the sun to rise
when it doesn't
is there any reason left to find?

-tiff pan "who are we"-

R.I.P Raymond Yu

We weren't the best of friends, or even friends to begin with. But you were always around at church, nehs, or just visiting taiwan after you went to military school. i remember seeing you wearing your military suit and thinking: "wow.he's changed a lot."

2 Christmases ago, you came back and were sitting in the 11B classroom table. i went over to the table because i wanted to say hi to James Chu. you once again mistaked me for my sister, melissa. i awkwardly smiled back at you.

you used to wear this shirt with three girls playing pool on it to chuch. and you made a comment on how expensive girls clothes were because you got your whole white outfit (jacket, shirt, and pants) for a dollar only. to this day, i'm still not sure if that's true, but it doesn't matter.not anymore. i'll miss seeing you back at NEHS. i didn't get to know you too well (mostly my fault.i was so shy back then) but in the eyes of your friends and family, you will be well-rememebered as a nice guy who had the chance to walk, even though so briefly, in their lives. i was glad to have gone to the same school, church, and Godsquad with you.

Rest In Him Forever.

pick-pocketed. an almost broken toilet.

i'm starting to see the bathroom as a scary place full of trouble.i say this because, today, 11 dollars was stolen from my temporarily abandoned jeans.i'll just say that i'm grateful the person who took my bills (he/she left the change.so nay guh, seriously) didn't take my favorite espirit jeans also. i'm looking on the bright side.

it was my fault. i got back to my room at around 3 after stopping by the post office. my roommate and her friend came in 10 seconds after i did (talk about muoh chi).i wanted to change out of my jeans into my michigan sweatpants, so i went to the bathroom and accidently left my jeans in the bathroom for around 4 hours (went downstairs to the library to study). came up at around 7, and the money was gone.

just then, i went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my cup that i just drank 擂茶 in. the toilet kept flusing continuously even after the other toilet had stopped flushing. the caucasian girl gave me a quizzical look, as if i had broken the toilet flusher on purpose. i had trouble grinning as i lowered my head and continued on with my cup-washing. it was hilarious in a quiet way.haha.i prayed (yes, i actually prayed about this) that the flushing would stop. and it did 15 seconds after the other toilet stopped. so much water wasted.seriously.: | i couln't do anything about it.

my desklight is the only light that's still on in this room.roommie is sleeping.and i should be too.4 classes today.should i just skip the sexual awareness class and go to small group? seems a bit like a waste of time (they say it's mandatory but the other halls who have had it already say that they don't even take attendance). yeah.i'll think about it haha.which eventually becomes: "no, i won't be attending."i think small group is a better investment of my time.

taking a break

i've been sleeping way too late these days.but i've also been waking up late in return.

slept at 3 this morning.stayed up to accompany aisyah after fuhan religiously offended her. i showed her josh pan's videos on "reflection" and "girlfriend." she really enjoyed the intro to the first song cuz josh accidently addresses the mongolians as "malaysians." haha, i knew that would crack her up.i ended up showing her all the cool programs on macbook (photobooth, garage band, double fingers to scroll, and the dictionary).

woke up 10 minutes before 12. walked down in my furry white slippers to the cafeteria. i must say i only eat these days out of hunger and necessity. the food really isn't that great. i really dislike how even clear soup (opposite of chowder) is still so kidney-killing. salt shouldn't be used that excessively.

speaking of food, i am down to the last two packets of seaweed. on monday, i hosted a "seaweed party" and my friends nearly ate the whole pack. it's fine since i'm going back home on december 18.: ))))))) haha just the thought makes me happy.bring back more food! time is passing very quickly. it still amazes me of how big the transition is from high school (life in taiwan) to here (ann arbor, michigan). last night , after the photo scavenger hunt for AIVCF, i went to bubble tea island and joined my friends in their game of taboo. after that, we walked to the union where the "insomnia cookies" were being sold in a trailer car. the cookies were right out of the oven,so it was super hot and nice: ). we ate inside the union while a guy played piano.

it's too early to say good morning

as i sit here with only my desklight illuminating this keyboard, i wonder my night away about life and hope for the sun to rise again.

stress is a funny thing. i went to bubble island tonight at around 9:30 for a drink (my friend had a voucher for 2 drinks, get one free). i ordered something called "hot chai" ( i had trouble pronoucing it. pronunciation has been quite an issue for me today. was very hesitant about saying all the Greek characters' names during the meeting with my group members.luckily, john was there to confirm my pronunciation.)

Christian version of Terra Naomi's "Say It's Possible"

I see the lights are burning
And I look outside the stars are shining through this changing time
It could have been anything we want
It's fine
Complaining was just a passing thought
It was just a passing thought

Don't wait
Act now
This amazing offer won't last long
It's the only chance to pave the path we're on
I know there are more exciting things to talk about
But in time He'll sort it out
But in time He'll sort it out

And though they say it's impossible to me
I can see how it's probable
I see the course we're on
Spinning farther from what I know
But I'll hold on
Tell you what He won't let go
Tell you what He won't let go

And truth is such a simple thing but all these people
Keep on telling me they know what's best and what to be frightened of
But all of them are wrong
They know nothing about God
They know nothing about God

We’ll be alright(X4)

This could be something beautiful
Combine our love into something wonderful but times are tough I know
And the pull of what we can't give up takes hold.

magnetic north!

i found this song last night on you tube while i was finishing my physics of music homework. it's called "so long"-magnetic north. sooooo好聽. i love it .

just felt like sharing.

'So long since I been without you
Remember me and you were like family?
No song could ever amount to
The memories that we had, can we
Hold on though this time is borrowed?
And I'm away where you can’t always stay
Go on though I cannot follow
But I swear you’ll never hear me say
"So long."

Hard to top a simple rule, not a single thought
Though my mind’s aloof, and these shingles got but a single truth
That my life just stops when I'm missing you
Given to melancholy other days, staring at the skyline at the bay
Thought I saw your silhouette, felt the tears ‘cause I know that you’ve been dead for seven years ...'


The lyrics are so powerful and honest. the way these two artists rap is very unique. and best of all, they're asian!

i got it back.and i have learned

despite my apologetic reply to the notification email, my internet was STILL terminated for the most part of today. i actually didn't realize this until i got back from ZAS(pasta, punnini, and salad restaurant with no waitresses/waiters and self-delivered food.)

i went to HMCC (harvest) church this morning. as i was walking out, it was raining quite hard. i didn't have an umbrella, so i put on my hood from my red sweater. it was still so freezing cold walking in a short jean skirt and flip flops. thankfully, i reached the hatcher graduate library so i had temporary shelter. Tina (my sister's high school friend) led me and this other girl from Taiwan to the new location of the church (it's behind rackham, the orientation place).

i have to admit that i was a bit detached in the beginning when we were singing the first worship song. two weeks isn't that long, but i couldn't immediately get into the heart of worship right away. as the sermon began, my mind started to drift (slept too late last night), but the sermon gradually became very interesting. the speaker showed us some video clips on how Harvest has changed them (Tina was one of the people interviewed), Martin Luther King's last words during his speech (about not caring of living long because he has seen what needs to be done and he is doing it), and other Christ-promoting clips that were very well-made. At the last worship song (the first one that was sung), i was completely in-tune with God again.

not too sure about which small group to join (i was actually thinking of joining both the AIV and harvest). still thinking about it. i added a course today: RC singers! i heard them practicing last thursday and it sounded awesome! they were singing a south african song.it was truly stellar. so i'm very excited about that. now i have 18 credits.i gotta work hard. haha

after my internet got terminated, i was told to take this violation test by the school. i took it around 4 times until i got all 10 questions right.the first time was a 90%.then it just got worse until the 4th time.haha. so glad i was able to pass at all (they make it so you can't pass it easily the first time). my internet returned at around 5 pm. it was one of the cruelest lessons i have learned so far in college. NO DOWNLOADING.EVER AGAIN.

Help
I have done it again
I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me
Wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me

Ouch
I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found

Yeah
I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe


sia, your thoughts and mine are not that different.thanks for writing this song.i appreciate it a lot.

OHHHH MYYYYYYY GOODNESSSSSS

i just received a warning notification for downloading two songs from michael buble and ingrid michaelson. they said the original producers of the song have tracked me down for illegal downloading. this is so scary. so the email said i had to reply in 24 hours or else my internet on this computer will be terminated.you know how freaky it is to receive something like that?

so i'm quite freaked out at the moment.i've replied them and have deleted my limewire for now. it's so scary.seriously.don't risk it.: | i hope i don't get fined or jailed or anything. my college life has just started! may this be a lesson to you all music-movie downloaders. DO NOT DOWNLOAD ANYTHING IN AMERICA.seriously. it's super forbidden and you're bound to get caught very VERY soon.

You breathe in me.

This isn’t aimless
I am not pointless
I have a direction
Because You have provided me with it.
I am grateful, so blessed
If it wasn’t for You
i wouldn’t pass this temptation
not everything is as wonderful as it seems
not even your most vivid dream
for the most part, it is a passing image
but You will always be a lasting presence.
In my life, I know I have made the right decision.

life here.is hard.

i would cry now, but there would be no point in doing so. as of now, i am alone. tonight, i am done with my french homework for tomorrow's class. i could be ambitious and act like i have the faintest idea where i'm heading, but i just want to sit here and fall into music.

tonight, i headed down to the league to attend the mass meeting for this a capella group called "amazing blue." over the summer, i checked up on all twelve of the a capella groups listed on the umich website. i decided this was the one i wanted. i was so wrong. maybe it's because every single member standing in the front of the room was caucasian.maybe i was just being paranoid, overly nervous, too scared of rejection. maybe. but i'll never know now because i chose to walk out of the league instead of heading to the next room to sign up for an audition. i felt more relieved after that, even though i still wanted to cry. it's not because it wasn't what i expected. it's because i am so unsure, so unknowing of everything.

today has been pretty hectic for me. i got to class an hour early, only to find myself sitting in a classroom full of people i've never even met before. i got out of the class, took a few pictures of the nature around me, went back to my dorm room. i did some homework from the writing class i'm taking.unfortunately, i left EQ too late (five minutes before class) and got to class super sweaty and nervous. this is also because today, michigan was hosting the Festifall (basically Club Fair) and i had to wedge me way through a "people mountain, people sea" section. okay, it was my fault, i admit it. since i got in last, i had the worst seat. i spent the whole hour looking at the projector from the side. i asked the teacher if i got in the class or not(still on the waitlist.i'm first though). she tells me there's no guarantee, but that i have "a good chance of getting in." i have homework due tomorrow, so i decided to risk it and buy the super expensive books anyway.all the sake of education.

after physics of music, i attempt to sign up for some clubs at Festifall. thankfully, i see the TASA stand (Taiwan American Student Association). i actually ran into two of them.hopefully they're the same thing cuz i signed up for both of them.haha.well i mostly want to meet some chinese people and get the 15% discount for the restuarants on campus.: ) right after that, i rushed into Ulrich's bookstore, grabbed my French and Pysch textbooks, and lined up behind 15 people. by the time the counter person swiped my credit card, i had 3 minutes to get to my writing seminar (Nietzsche: philosopher and psychologist). i rushed back to EQ, dropped my books on my bed, grabbed my green doraemon bag with my seminar stuff, and went downstairs (thank goodness it's on the first floor near the lobby).

yeah. it was pretty tiring just rushing from one place to another.i'm going to go play guitar now.

first day.was okay

i should be finishing my section questions on nietzsche's "birth of tragedy." i'm meeting up with my group members tomorrow night to discuss our assigned chapter, which happens to be the 3rd chapter, so i might as well read the whole thing.-.-

physics of music is pretty interesting as i expected it to be. using the "quizzdom" clicker to answer questions is quite weird, but i'll get used to it. i must approach the cafeteria food in the same manner: i will...get used to it. eventually.

french class was actually my first class today. "je m'apelle helene neu." that's my professor. she's so exuberant and passionate about french.she basically spoke in french the whole time, letting us guess her message from body language and tone. it was awesome. but now i just need to spend a lot of time to learn the language so i can actually understand what she's saying in the future. the textbooks are super expensive.arghhh.college is one big financial drain.

okay, i must go back to homework now.

so long sweet summer...

so it ends tonight. i know this sounds dramatic, but i am pretty sad that summer is ending.
the pre-college days of summer have been quite interesting.so many events on palmer field (field in front of mojo dorm) that require getting onto an inflated balloon and acting stupid (hitting each other with a long stick to get the other people off of the podium, running as far as possible while strapped onto a bounce-back harness, and climbing through a military wall-climbing course).

deciding where to eat everyday (there are only around 3 dining halls we eat at), calling each other up (even though we live in the same dorm), walking to law quad everyday and wishing i lived there (except that i'm not a graduate student studying law), and just playing silly games together.

ah i'll miss it once school starts. which is tomorrow! my first class is a writing course.ergh.originally, i didn't even want to take it.it was actually a "recommended" course. ergh. at least it's at 10.: ) well i hope i get through the first day.and the rest of the days that follow. and i hope i get into the clubs i'm interested in. i'm thinking about joining tap dancing (tap dancing in modern style. they're called "rhthym dancers" i think). but most definitely a capella.alright.class tomorrow. blog later.