green solar eclipse.comes around once every 51 years.

highlight of the day: i saw a solar eclipse at 9:45 in the morning.: ) i was looking at it through one of those electrical construction masks (the kind that has a tiny glass slit for the eyes). this person on the street let all of the TAs use it.the kids all lined up to peek through it.

my first reaction was: "wow it's green."
ricky's first reaction was:"wow! it's green!"

haha i love how we said the same exact thing.i'm really going to miss that kid come august. he's not going to the august camp so...i have exactly 4 more days left as his teacher.: |

currently caught up in a lot of decoration work. i perfected the cover and table of contents page for their worksheet workbook. finished the posters and name tags. have to make one set of the name tags 3D for table decoration. mm. i'll do that tomorrow. just need to breathe non-work air right now. i've been feeling a bit suffocated these past two days because of the multitude of tasks and deadlines - i feel like a robot when i'm not hanging out with the kids. which reminds me - i should go find some string for tomorrows Arts and Crafts. i'm teaching them how to make dream catchers. snap. i should have started cutting up the plastic bottle rims. i should also learn how to make an actual dream catcher in case the sink netting doesn't turn out right.

speaking of netting, i am quite frustrated and annoyed at the dress code for next mondays presentation day. apparently, the teachers (3 of the 4 are guys) decided that the girl TAs should wear netting leggings and be "sexy pirates." i find that very disturbing and am very uncomfortable about the whole idea. when they first told us that we were supposed to dress as pirates, i was okay with it because i've done it before for x-dress day back in high school (dressed up as Johnny Depp) so i was teaching the rest of the TAs how to dress for it. now they want the girls to wear netting leggings. THE CRAP. i refuse. i'm going to try to negotiate - but i have a feeling the two other TAs will be too obedient to try to go against the idea. i tried to talk to them about it today; they just think it's inappropriate for the parents to see us wearing that. one of the teachers said:" yeah it's very sexist." i agree but i don't think he'll tell the staff to change the dress code. i'm just infuriated at the staff for agreeing to the teachers' decision. no one seems to have a mind of their own at the workplace; they just work.

yang luh duoh ice and an unsettled mind

我還是想不通為甚麼我臉的狀況一直沒辦法好. ||-.-||

I've tried and done everything I can
But just from looking at my appearance
Others can't possibly understand
I am persistent and I do value cleanliness
But how come all my efforts seem in vain?
It has become a real pain
to look into the mirror and see no progress
It makes me wonder if I'll ever have a clear complexion
and what will happen if I continue as I am
the pimples may never fade
their scars i will wear with shame
because everywhere i go people ask me
why is it that my skin is so bad?
what's worse is they try to compliment how beautiful i am
but unfortunately, your facial skin kills your chances
what chances? why does a person's face weigh so heavily in the world?
i feel like a prisoner, trapped behind a blemished wall
i pound and chip, i try to make it fall
but it just stands there, strong and determined
to keep me discontent and exhausted
from trying too hard.

HAHAHAHA.: )

dorothy's family portrait.ROFL.

I love this candid shot. kids being kids.

the mother and father. hahahahha.
friends again. God does discipline those He loves. It's always for our good.: )

One of the really baller things that happened today was when i carrying the mini mountains for the Neverland model down to the office. I realized that "with faith even as small as a mustard seed you can move mountains." it wasn't a coincidence that i happened to be "moving mountains" and witnessing good teamwork among my students during arts and crafts time. i enjoy working with them so much on my own. it gets really tiring but i wouldn't want it any other way. maybe cut out the C.C. letters and morning exercise time (yeah joyce, one of the main staff members, complained that i made them dance too much. i prepared a game of charades but i was too lazy to switch from dancing to a game so haha. it requires changing positions for the kids which takes them around a whole minute). yeah i'm getting quite annoyed at all the complaints that the staff members give me but i'll just cope with it because i'm only a T.A., not a full-time teacher.humbling down and taking orders is something i need to learn.

jealousy, patience and overreacting.

there's this kid called Jonathan who keeps bullying Ricky. It irks me like crazy because i don't like punishing both of them for "fighting" but i don't want to be overly biased towards Ricky (he's the much better kid in my opinion). But the next time i see him punching him, I'm going to send him to the office. seriously - i hate how bigger kids bully others. they single them out and prevent other kids from playing with him. why does anyone have the power to do that? it's so hard to discipline one child with so many others trying to get my attention.

this bullying is definitely stemming from jealousy. ricky has way better english because he spent two years in singapore. he's also two years younger and is more of a teacher's pet than jonathan is. i guess it may also be because i pay more attention to him because he's more loveable. they used to sit together and take pictures together on field trips; now they just hate each other. : |

i'm also having my own issues with jealousy of this future co-worker at A.E. she spends the whoel day in the office even though she's not working yet. she'll be a T.A. in august so i'll be seeing her for the rest of the summer. i better get this jealousy out of my heart or else i'm going to be very miserable come August. i guess i have a hard time liking her because for one, she has a clear complexion; secondly, she's the same height as me, around the same size, has long curly hair, is super girly and quiet. i know she's really smart because she's going to tai dah and she translated "charlotte's web" when she was in 5th grade (means she's very famous and probably popular among her peers). i don't know her very well but somehow, she irks me. her presence at work ticks me off for no reason. she happened to be using the computer i was using today when i was trying to print the pictures for the Communication Corner letters (weekly behavior reports.my least favorite thing about work) and i nearly blew up when i went into the computer lab. i was already flustered because of the malfunctioning printer and all the time i was wasting and seeing her there was just...yikes. it was quite tense when i told her to get off the computer for a moment. hm. anger management.

patience is dying; i really want to punch something at times. i can't control my tongue; i just want to take control and force everything to go my way. it's very immature and selfish but i find myself doing it so much at work. i can't stand being governed by the staff members for very long without giving them a hard time with my vague answers and forgetfulness. oh dear.

there's a kid called patrick who keeps touching me (more than he should.seriously). it irks me that he's seems so young but is actually more mature in his thinking (or emotional development). i'm trying to keep my distance - if it continues, i'm going to tell teacher joe or ask for someone's advice. i don't understand why this is happening but it might be because he lacks physical touch at home and is very needy of it. i guess it just bothers me because he's a boy and i'm 10 years older than he is.

third and last outing for july.

we went to...taipei (surprise surprise haha) today. it was right next to the place we went to last week. time for puppet-making.

i told my kids to bring their sunglasses.: )

naughty and angelic.reversal of roles.

he made a vampire for his puppet. dang what a coincidence.: ) vampire studies haha.

cutest girl in my class. she sat on my lap for the group picture.: )

dude ricky is so cute.

cuteness.: )

the girls having lunch.

oh man. this is hilarious.

front side of robot statue.chained prisoner.

haha i had no idea i looked that confused when helping the kids tie the puppet strings. thanks kenny.

playing in a robot statue band. haha i wish i could actually play saxophone.

kenny and i got really bored during the museum tour so we were playing around with the puppets.

so concentrated.haha.

I really love my class and am going to miss them next month.i wish i could teach them for another month but i have to switch with kenny.: |

work continues on a happy beat.

picture of the day.this is jonatha's movie report for the movie Enchanted.

I would post some more pictures from today but I was using one of the staff members camera because I left my memory card at home. Which reminds me - I better go put it in my bag right now or else I'll be dead meat - outing tomorrow again.

The next two weeks are picking up speed - the final production and exhibition is on the 27th (12 more work days). for now i need to:

-pick out colors for 5 posters (actually only using 3)
-think of something else to do along with making hats for next weeks arts and crafts
-make a cover for their workbooks

then for later on:
-decorate and finish the exhibition posters
-actually make the crafts and keep them in good condition until exhibition day
-print out 10 or so copies of the cover after getting approval from the TA manager

so this is what work is like. haha many deadlines and a huge responsibility - it's not even about the fear of getting fired; it's about making sure you don't get slaughtered by the parents of the kids.

a snippet of what the kids have been practicing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-aE8NXJHI8

this is by far my favorite part in the play.: ) love the narrator.

(these two cute kiddies were practicing how to be the evil duo in the play. i present to you the wicked witch of the east and her flying monkey)

I experienced a pinch of jealousy today...for a girl I only met briefly. It was by far the weirdest case of jealousy I've ever felt - first of all, I don't even know her that well. second of all, she is in no way an offensive person or obnoxious by any change. it's weird. I'm finding it hard to explain but I do believe God is using this encounter with her as a test for my maturity. I know that come fall, many new people will be on campus. There will be many chances where I may be tempted to fall into jealousy - I finally understand why the sophomore girls in AIV were quite cold towards me and some of the other freshman girls in the beginning of the year. some of it has to be attributed to jealousy. too much attention poured onto the new people can make the old members bitter from jealousy. I'll really have to watch out for this during next year.
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Jolin as Dorothy.: )

one of my favorite shots of the day. they were playing"freeze" where you have to do a certain pose when the music stops. this is just hilarious.: )

spelling bee champions of the day. daniel nailed this one though.: )

oh jonathan.as the brainless scarecrow. he didn't get to have a snack today because he kept bullying the smaller boys.

new haircut.

short hair does emphasize my eyes a lot more. i guess it's a good change since i consider my eyes as my best feature.

so this is what i'm going to look like for a good two months (my hair grows pretty slowly). i'm planning on cutting it even shorter before i leave taiwan in september. i love how summer is long enough for me to experiment with different looks and hobbies. yeah so far i have 5 pages down of fiction. woot woot.

T.G.I.F. : )

5-day work week is over...for this week.: ) It's weird - I find it more difficult to deal with the teacher than the students. The Language Arts teacher doesn't have his heart in his work and it really shows. Constant complaining, swearing and making negative comments gets very irritating. It doesn't help that I have a pretty bad impression of him when I went to the second day of work training - he overslept and came in looking like he wanted to be somewhere else, far away. He hates Michigan (he spent a year studying in Grand Rapids) but I wore my Michigan shirt to work today anyway.
-----------------------
My favorite time of day is lunch hour and 5-5:30 (chinese hw time) because I get to spend time with the kids alone. Since I brought speakers for morning exercise today, I turned on my ipod and told them we were having a "secret party." They really enjoyed themselves; the naughtiest boy Jonathan was actually dancing to the music. Yeah I'm definitely trying to make them feel like the "cool" class since they're the oldest in the whole summer camp. Yeah, I have to keep things hyped up or else they're going to be bored out of their minds. It is their summer break - I want them to have fun as well as learn English.
----------------------
There are too many funny things that happen during the week; I manage to jot down some of them in my notebook but a lot of the times I just take time to laugh and enjoy the moment. I finally understand what true "infectious laughter" is now - a child's innocence in action. Haha through my reflections on how my "like" is slowly developing into love for these kids, I wonder if this is just my "maternal" side coming out. I like to think of it as getting a greater glimpse of God's love through my role of disciplining (or babysitting). I'm starting to understand how much trouble I've put my parents through my rebelliousness and constant blabbering about nonsense (haha I mean, kids just spit out the most random stories and they don't wait for others to finish first - they just talk).
---------------------

I have a piano prodigy in my class.: ) He's a cute kid called Daniel. He left the school for an hour today to compete in a piano contest and took home second place. woot woot.: ) so proud of him - piano is one of the things i gave up at the early age of 11. i hope he can persist through and master that beautiful instrument. He's the kind of boy who will hold the door for others and walk last in line, get chopsticks for me and other people who don't regularly bring chopsticks, throw the trash bag away at the end of the day, participate in every activity, laugh a lot about everything and say some of the funniest things.

there's another kid called Ian who is very smart and kind as well. he's a good kid - he's only going to be here for another week though.: | yeah i hate how my students come and go - but there are those who are always there. all the boys in my class are pretty lighthearted and energetic. they keep the classroom atmosphere upbeat and happy.

i find it a bit harder to mesh with the girls on a personal level because two of them are a bit reserved. for example, this one girl Joanne never wants to go play on the playground during recess. it's very hot on the roof but the other kids don't seem to mind as much as she does. she likes hanging around with the teachers - this is a sign that she might not have many friends her own age in the camp. so hopefully she'll learn how to play with other kids her own age - she's an only child so this might be more of a problem for her since she's not used to seeing kids in her own home.

----------------

meet Jolin: )

this cute kiddie is only going to 3rd grade but she's in the 4th grade level class. i love her to bits - she's playing Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz play at the end of july and she's a great actress. Super cute and photogenic. She's the same height as Ricky (119 cm.seriously. i'm taller than him when i'm sitting down. it's hilarious). it's the cutest thing when they play together. she's been absent for two days already - i hope she comes back on Monday haha.: )

"If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness." - 2 Cor. 11:30

"To keep me from being conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Cor. 12:7-10

Weakness. Something I would rather never mention to anyone because I hate being vulnerable. I hate the feeling that I'm getting tossed around by others because I don't have enough courage or wit to fend for myself. I'm scared of showing my worst side because I know human love cannot cover the multitude of sins I have. It makes sense that weakness is the strongest catalyst in helping us get back to God after some spiritual-straying.

However, I find myself boasting not of my weakness...or of Jesus. When people compliment me on something I've done or still continue to do, I usually thank them humbly, sometimes embarassingly, or modestly tell them to not perceive me so highly. Whatever I end up doing, I never boast about my weakness. I mean, I can laugh at myself in retrospect about stupid and careless things I've done (believe me, there are so many I feel a bit embarassed now that I'm on the subject) but I'm mostly "boasting" about it to show others what I've been through and hopefully gain attention, sympathy or affection. My intentions are twisted - I definitely don't boast of my weaknesses for the sake of Christ.

i had a good day: )

One of my best students Joy is leaving tomorow for Italy. This just makes me want to study abroad even more.: ) She's going for vacation - I'm happy for her but I wish she was staying because she's the class president.


She gave a whole lesson on "the different ways to sleep" today during lunch hour. The rest of the class enjoyed it thoroughly and guess what - they actually took naps today...on the table. Yes, it seems a bit unconventional but I don't see why not. Good thing the T.A. manager Tom didn't see us. That would have been bad.-.0




During recess, Joy kept acting like a duck in front of Kenny and me. we dubbed her as "quack quack."she continued to act silly and i decided to start giving her topics to act out. the funniest one was "meatball" because she hesitated for a split second before turning around in a circle then stopping with a fob hand sign and saying: "i'm a meatball." It was hilarious.: ) She made the heat on the roof playground bearable.

Needless to say, I'm going to miss having Joy discipline my class. She gave teacher Joe, me, Ricky and Amy cards in small red envelopes. On the note it said:

"Dear Teacher Tiffany,
Thank you for teaching me.

Your kid,
Joy.

I am so touched by the last line. It's funny because when I'm in charge of the kids when the teacher isn't around, i call them "my kiddies." but when i'm talking with kenny or other "adults," i say "the kids in my class." it's weird how i don't want to seem attached to them but i actually am. i think it's because most people hate or somewhat find the job of a teaching assistant SUPER annoying and tiring but...i love it. It kind of quirks me a little bit because i always saw teaching part-time as something easy and time-killing to do during the summer. however, these teaching experiences have proven to be rewarding in every sense. I'm really curious as to what God wants me to do with my future.

it's hard not to have favorites.but there's a reason why we do.

meet ricky.: )

(on the playground during recess)
ricky:"teacher, what can't jam eat?"

before i have time to ask what, ricky goes: "traffic. because of traffic jam!"

this kid is so cute. partly because he's from singapore and he has the accent and also because he laughs so much. i really like kids who laugh a lot; it's just so heart-lifting. yeah it's weird how much i'm getting attached to these kids. it's only been three days but i've spent so much time with them already.



this morning, before morning exercise time ( i had to lead the kids in warm-up stretches and random dance moves, such as the "macrena"), i read a book to three of the kids in my class. in order to get them to read an English book, I had them all take turns reading. it worked pretty well and i'm glad my kids don't hate me haha. sometimes (well most of the time) it's hard to pay attention to all ten kids at once but i'm glad they trust me enough to ask me. multi-tasking is the skill i'm honing through this summer job. i have to remember to do so many things it's kind of insane but i'm getting by pretty well.

during "do the emotion on the page" activity.the emotion was "enraged."

yeah i'm starting to like this job. hopefully God will give me the persistence and a joyful heart for this job for the next couple of weeks (all the way till 8/25). less than two months. but it really isn't a bad place to be.


plus, it's nice to delegate orders (haha boss others around) now after being the one being ordered around all the time. so this is what it feels like to have a younger sibling. totally enjoying it while it lasts. i'm just thankful it's friday and i have tomorrow morning to sleep in.

i look like an elf but ricky is cute.

daily hilarity

"pimples hold grudges. you pop them, they multiply."- me

kids can be so cute.
(during drama class facial expression acting activity)
teacher joe: "so imagine that you're at the beach. how do you feel? very relaxed right? like you're so cool."
student joy: "yeah when you go to the beach, you feel very relaxed.but when you come back, you feel worried because - you're black."

(both joe and i crack up and keep laughing for a good 10 seconds)
joe is laughing because he finds it funny how taiwanese people (esp. girls) are super afraid of becoming tan while caucasian people love getting tan. i'm laughing because it's funny how she says "you're black" as in "tanning" and not referring to a race. she definitely can't say that in the states but i think she's pretty safe here.

moving forward.means giving up even the best parts of the past.

by giving up, i mean giving it to God and leaving the past where it's at. there's no sense in toying with it any longer - what could possibly be gained by being reminiscent or hating who you were before? Nil. As I sip this cup of homemade lemonade made by my mom, I ponder why it takes me so long to GET OVER something, to cut myself loose from it.

I guess I'm just a dreamer who thinks that something could always have gone differently if only...blah blah blah. eventually i get tired of thinking, mulling it over in my head. this whole process just makes me sick - i'd rather be doing something else, really. i should be reading a book, recording a song, maybe even getting an extra hour of sleep in before i start training for work tomorrow. the practical side always screams at my idealistic wandering thoughts to get out of this illusion i've trapped myself with.

okay. must -see concerts.

-magnetic north
-jack johnson
-john mayer
-jason mraz
-taylor swift
-switchfoot

haha that's my list.now i will go ticket-searching: )

the joy luck recording session.

2:43. With luck, I'll finish recording this song by 3. After tossing and tussling around with this one 1 min 30 minute song, it is 10 minutes to 4. an hour has gone by and the song has been mangled to a point beyond repair. I solemnly search through the trash on my computer and find the first version of the song, send it back into my itunes folder and listen to it with a skeptical heart.

Sometimes being a perfectionist just makes it harder; it sucks the joy out of playing a song. I guess i'm just too mistake-prone to record well. Nonetheless, I'll complete recording sometime this week. I must say it can be pretty frustrating.

i think i'm getting somewhere with recovery.yesssss

my picture of improvement. believe me, it was a whole lot worse before. I won't show you so you won't be grossed out.


Hey please excuse the last post. I am not so bitter, if bitter at all. I don't think I've been better for the longest time (half a year I would say). Sleep and water have proven to be a faithfully good combination. Plus exercising (excessive sweating). Hm. The natural way to heal is still the most effective. I finished a book called" Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire." I highly recommend it to those who have become complacent Christians.

For one thing, it helped me put Urbana 09 into perspective. I shouldn't be going merely because a bunch of people received their calling from God at the conference. There's no location or situation that can force God to reveal Himself; He's everywhere, in everyone. It's time I started looking and listening with a sincere heart again.

This may seem like common sense or just plain basic but I never really thought about how the more we seek God, understand and raise our level of awareness for righteousness and love, the more He will equip us, manifest Himself in our lives and the lives around us. We have to want it first before God can do anything with and within us. Basic truths always get me; thanks, God for revealing this lesson to me this morning.

I need to get the laundry so I'll post later.: )

hm.i'm so human.

Woke up at 5:30 this morning to send my sister off to the airport back to AA. Needless to say, my face is a mess; esp. since I squeezed all my pimples out. Seriously - I am so sick of looking into the mirror and seeing my face all dotted with red CRATERS and concave yellow BOMBSHELLS. I have to say it: this is a joke that has been played on me for way too long. I am getting quite bitter and annoyed at this whole healing face ordeal.

It's not a big deal, compared to so many other things but for some reason, it gets to me. It breaks my confidence down, it hinders me from wanting to take pictures, it is...NOT HEALING.

I don't mean to be pessimistic and spoiled about this little problem but it is trying my patience. Two dermatologists tell me different methods of curing my face - none of them work. This seems like a battle I can't win- I'm hoping that after reaching the worst condition possible, I will heal completely and have better skin than I had before. What a dreamer I am.

new love. LENKA: )

"Knock Knock"-Lenka

A second
A minute
An hour
A day goes by
I'm hopin' 
Just to be by your side
I'm turnin'
The handle
It won't open
Don't make me wait
Cause right now 
I need your smile
Knock knock

Haha: ) It's such a cute song! I wonder how
old she is...probably early 20s. Favorite line:
"i need you smile, knock knock."


When life had locked me out
I turned to you
So open the door
'Cause you're all I need right now it's true
Nothin' works like you

AHAHAHAH. I've locked myself out so many times
I can totally relate. Much thanks for my friend
Aisyah for letting me stay in her room whenever
I needed to. 

Little louder
Little louder
Little louder knockin'
Little louder
Little louder

Haha I wonder why the person isn't opening.

A warm bath
A good laugh
An old song
That you know by heart
I've tried it 
But they all leave me cold
So now I'm 
Here waiting 
To see you,
My remedy 
For all that's 
Been hurting me.

Wow I can relate this song to my friends. This verse reminds me
of my friend Abbie. I've also slept on her couch
countless times this past year. She helped me through
some of the toughest situations and I will always be grateful
for knowing her.: )

You seem to know the way
To turn my frown 
Upside down
You always know what to say
To make me feel like everything's okay

Hm....I would say this bridge goes to Pearl. She has so much
wisdom (to me) and is always willing to share it with me. I love
her so much and can't wait to see her in Taipei sometime this coming week.


I just really like this song and wanted to share it with you guys.: )

evening talk.time for a walk.

Rethinking the lyrics of "Be My Escape"-Relient K.

I’ve given up on giving up slowly
I’m blending in so you won’t even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention
It’s my one last shot at redemption
Cause I know to live you must give your life away

to become a matyr? a brave God-lover to the point
where it's okay for you to die?"for to live is
Christ and to die is gain."
-philippians

And I’ve been housing all this doubt
and insecurity
And I’ve been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out
And that might be the death of me
And even though there’s no way of knowing
Where to go
I promise I’m going because…

Haha trapped in a house.trapped inside of
ourselves, our selfish desires.
not literally.when i first heard this song when
i was 15, i thought of it
as a child being locked up in the house by the
 parents because of something the
child did. grounded is what you call it haha.

I gotta get out of here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get out of here
And I’m begging you, I’m begging you, I’m begging you to be my escape

Sin. Problems. Mistakes. Human nature. Begging
God to help us out, always.
And He never fails to do so even though we are
 quite despicable.


I’ve given up on doing this alone now
Guess I failed and I’m ready to be shown how
You told me the way and now I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Yeah.self-sufficiency won't do..in the long-run.
the key is humility
and obedience to God. "Life sentence" refers to..
the life that we have on earth huh. Life isn't fair
because God made it that way - we are so sinful yet
God continues to love us without fail.Hm.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self-detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for you to do what you can with me
But I can’t ask you to give what you already gave.

Adam and Eve. Hostages we are to sin. "Forced to live." Even
though we have free will, we are still captives of sin
a lot of the time. Pray that God will have mercy on us
and use us to the max. That is true; we can't ask for
salvation when He has already given it to us. something
to mull over.

I fought you for so long
I should have let you in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin (oh)
But so were you
So were you

"saving my own skin." OHHHH God is trying
to save our skin as well!!! I get it.
I used to still think of the "you" as
a girlfriend so i thought the girl was trying
to save herself, like everyone else is.Haha.
I think when i first heard it, i forgot that Relient K.
is a Christian band. Wow i'm really starting to appreciate
how they weaved in God into this song. sweet.

how come it feels like I've been eighteen for the longest time?

I know my birthday is ALMOST here but it seems like I've been waiting for this day to come for a long time. I just want to pass this birthday line and keep going. Kind of like a marker in my life I feel somewhat inclined to meet. Haha. It's a strange thing to be thinking about because birthdays are usually seen just as a reason to celebrate and go out with friends. True, true that's why I've always found birthdays very important and fun but there must be something more to it that I've been missing all these years.

When I was younger, I came up with the conclusion that my birthday takes longer than everyone else's to come because it's in the middle of the year. For example, people with birthdays in December feel like they keep turning another year older because right when they pass their birthday, a new year begins again and they are reminded of how they will be...well older. Haha. It all depends on how you perceive time. So seeing that my birthday is in June, I wait half a year to turn another year older, than another half year for the rest of the year to end so I can be closer to turning...well older.

Despite that, I'm glad to have done all the things I've done this past year and await for fill into the shoes of my new age: nineteen. The idea is becoming more familiar because I constantly think about it. It seems to make the time go slower. Thus, as I am typing up this post, I am still... eighteen. Wow.

a blogpost before the monday outage on blogger.com

Honestly, I haven't been updating because I have nothing to blog about. You think you can live off of nonsense - THAT is nonsense. I'm not accustomed to talking when there's no circulating topic. I often let conversations die when I feel there is no more fuel to keep it burning. Haha. I guess I'm not too good at saying goodbye - I just run.

So many high school events have been happening this past week. I know a lot of my classmates have gone back and attended these but I've kept my distance. The only one I feel a little bit irked for missing was Unplugged. Some of my best high school memories happened there - Pot and Pan performances for one. Our most epic performance was actually our first and last: "Soco Ameretto Lime" and "3-course meal." Da-ang - I will never forget those two performances. Along with Unplugged, there's prom tonight at Lakeshore and graduation was on Wednesday. Even though Lakeshore hotel is right down from my house, I don't have the slightest desire to "go check it out" as an alum. Haha. I believe it's because I didn't enjoy three of the four proms I went to. I will now share with you the awkful (awkward and awful) memories of prom:

Freshman year - I decided to ask my friend Droo to the prom by folding a paper crane and giving it to him at choir. He knew what it was before he opened the paper crane - he said yes. We went together but I wish I didn't ask him because during the whole night, I just wanted to be dancing with someone else. Yes, foolish of me to give into peer pressure and suffer the consequences. I felt bad for constantly ditching him, but I just...didn't want to be with him.

Sophomore year - not much to say really. I enjoyed it : ) It was held in Chubei (different city) at a hotel called "Paris." The theme that year was Moulin Rouge so it was very appropriate.

Junior year- I was in charge of organzing the photos with Nancy. I was walking painfully in my heels the whole night, calling people to take their photos. It didn't help that people were late and all over the place. I had one hour of prom to dance and eat. Not very fun at all. I remember holding blue and yellow glowsticks and thinking "Michigan." Haha.

Senior year - it was raining that day and the location didn't offer cover. I was wearing a floor-length silk dress so when I got inside the building, I had rain stains on my dress. Luckily they dried before I had my pictures taken. Turns out the photographer was worse than the one we found for the seniors in my junior year. [shakes head]. I spent most of the night signing yearbooks in the dark. I was assigned to sit at a table I didn't sign up for - I wasn't able to sit with my good friends because of various reasons. This actually stirred up some furious emotions before prom but I just accepted it on the day since one of guys at my classmates' table refused to switch with me. He wasn't even in my class - this is what I found infuriating. Near the end of the night, my song dedication "Here's to the Night"-Eve 6 came up and needless to say, I was psyched. The juniors announced it as "the last song so go find your date" when it was actually the second to last song. Not one single person in my grade wanted to do a big circle thing - I sat out for that song because I didn't go with a date. Hm. Some tears fell because I felt very left out when the song was my gift to my classmates, except no one appreciated it because of miscommunication. I was too tired and fed up to go to the post-prom party so I went home and slept it off. Horrible prom I must say.

the last bits of may 09

As this month comes to a close, I still can't believe I've been on break for almost a whole month now. One more month of chill time and it's work-time. I can't deny that even though it's exciting to be one year closer to being part of the actual "workforce," I'm pretty scared by the thought of it. I can't wait to go to Urbana 09 this year; I'm really hoping I'll have a better idea what I want to do during my undergrad years. This reminds me: I need to revise the classes I'm taking this fall. I need to get going with finding my major, calling - direction.

Summer has given me plenty of time to work on what I've been meaning to do, for example, my music. I have a long way to go for a polished 3rd album (including recording, designing the front cover, etc). But it's all for fun; I think I just give myself pressure so I'll finish something by a deadline since I was way too lax on myself this past semester. Hopefully I'll keep writing songs despite the circumstances I may find myself in.

I'm currently reading " A Spot of Bother" by Mark Haddon. It's pretty strange; the whole book revolves around a dysfunctional family in terms of their relationships with their spouses. I guess it's a little less dysfunctional compared to the family in "Running With Scissors." I can't believe they made that into a movie; I don't think I ever want to watch it on screen. Some things are better left on the page; haha by this I mean, controversial, more uncomfortable subjects.

it's nice to have calluses on my fingers again. : )

So...it's been awhile since I've touched my guitar and played random songs I've written in the past. I love being able to do that, esp. after a whole year. I will enjoy my single next year; no doubt about it. : )

2 and 1/4 songs down. I actually re-discovered two other songs I could also put in the album; I wrote them during my freshman year in high school hahaha. It's a good thing I wrote a lot of random songs back in my first year of songwriting; it makes up for my lack of new songs this past year. I was more creative back then; it's a lot harder now to think of melodies and fitting lyrics to the melodies.

I can't wait to finish writing, practicing, recording, burning, organizing the whole CD. Which reminds me, I should probably start designing the cover. I only have 22 days left. sounds like a lot but it actually isn't. it's hard being an unprofessional songwriter because you have to do everything by yourself; usually music artists have producers and agents that help them do almost everything. all they have to do is sing and play. haha yeah.but then again they have to deal with every single possible social pressure out there; paparazzi, lack of privacy, record label rates, appearance, originality. DANG. i would never want to put myself in their position. i'm just doing this because it's a gift from God and i want to use it for His purposes. it's very enjoyable and i think God gave it to me because He wanted me to find true joy through this. yeah.: )

super quick post.

been eating lots of good food. haven't been exercising as much as i should have so this means that i'm still...me.

i love the birthday presents i've been getting so far; it's not even my birthday yet.

it's 5 minutes to 11, which means bedtime. i can get used to this...at least that is what i keep telling myself.

alright time to go sleep because my sister just got out of the waterloo.

bye.

the new things i've been learning about my mom. oh so hilarious.: )

-wearing a spaghetti strap before dinnertime (during the time when the trash car comes) can get me out of dumping trash duties. sketchy garbagemen do not fare well with protective, conservative mother.

-my mom will use me as a bodyguard when our neighbor's Chihauhau comes running towards us during our post-dinner walks. She literally grabbed my arms and jumped behind me when she saw that little dog racing. The dog didn't freak me out - my mom's reaction did. Nonetheless, I got a good laugh out of the whole ordeal.

waking up at my college sleeping time: 3 am

I'm forcing myself to stay awake till 9:30 tonight because I don't want to wake up at 3 am tomorrow again. I might as well go work on writing some music tonight. Since the weather has been relatively cool for Taiwan summer standards, my sister is sleeping in her own room. This gives me more alone time.

During this period of "getting over jetlag," I will have to start applying for a job very soon. 3 months is just too long of a time to not be doing anything productive. I have yet to spend lots of time with my grandparents and relatives. I need to constantly remind myself my first goal for coming back this summer: minister to nonChristian family.

When I think about which day it is, it still surprises me that it's only May. I don't think I've ever gotten May off for summer. The biggest break I had was last summer when I had an extra half of June.: ) I guess I can get used to this. Sweet Michigan summers.

tokyo hotel. 10:31. i feel motion sickness.

this is going to be a short post because my sister will be done blow-drying her hair in no time. we are currently sharing the internet and the battery that i have left on my computer because WE'RE STUCK IN TOKYO FOR THE NIGHT.

alright it's not as bad as it sounds.i just really want to go home and this is holding us up from being at home. it's a good thing we don't have to be anywhere tomorrow but it is my dad's birthday. thank goodness we still get to eat dinner with him tomorrow.: )

i still feel like i'm on the plane right now. what was supposed to be an 11-hour+ flight to tokyo turned out to be 16 hours because of the delay in fixing mechanical problems (computer wouldn't function properly) and switching a pilot (the original pilot got sick.swine flu maybe? that was jerry's supposition). i'm quite dizzy at the moment - sleep time.

this is the latest i've stayed up since college.

I've been jet lagged for a couple days now so waking up at 6-8 am is no longer a rare event for me anymore. However, tonight I've been sitting in this bathroom for two hours trying to get a clearer picture of what God wants me to do with this short life of mine.

After writing down a few options for potential and "highly unlikely" majors, I picked up the road map of life (that's what i like to call the Bible because that's what it means to me) and opened it to Jeremiah's prayer:

"I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps. Correct me, Lord, but only with justice - not in your anger, lest you reduce me to nothing." -Jeremiah 10: 23-24-

I find my pride getting in the way of displaying Christlike behavior in front of those older than myself. It's strange how I attempt to appear strong-willed and intelligent when in truth, I am actually not confident and book-smart. It's amazing how clarity breaks in whenever I take the time to organize my thoughts on paper. Maybe blogging isn't a total waste of time afterall.

SUMMMMMMMMMMMMMER.yes.: )

i'm currently sitting on the floor leaning against the sink cupboards in Best Western. this is the same exact hotel i stayed at with my family when i came to ann arbor before orientation. it's pretty baller to end a year going to some of the same places you went to in the beginning. tomorrow is my sister's undergrad graduation ceremony. wow. 4 years has really passed by. i'll be turning 19 next month. wow.

East Quad.how i've learned to love this place for what it is. for the vegan+vegetarian food in replacement of meat (sometimes), zaragon place's 9 am construction activity, retail dining hall cooks yelling your name so loudly you literally flinch out of your chair, leaky washing machines that don't always drain your clothes properly, cohen reading room with the beautiful painting of a woman and a guitar and the huge chess pieces, jam sessions and prayer meetings in hayden 48 and 58 greene music rooms, praying in the madrigal lounge every night, BALLERLY close location to central campus classes but most of all, for the certain people i have come to love and become accountable to.

one last night of being a freshman

wow. in around 12 hours i will be D-O-N-E with freshman year.

i get the privilege of studying tonight while everyone else is enjoying their summer break. yes, this is definitely where i want to be.: )

haha this is me trying not to be bitter about taking an exam on the last day of the school year. i need to study and sleep. then i'm going to take the exam and enjoy myself LIKE EVERYONE ELSE HAS BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST WEEK. haha. i'm not bitter, really.: )

tomorrow is going to be quite hectic because i need to pack up and move everything out by 3 o'clock. after that, i'll be free to breathe. yes. i cannot wait. i cannot wait. i cannot wait.why is time passing by so slowly?

my parents are in town. i think this may be one of the last times i'll be able to say that while i'm here in michigan. it still strikes me as weird how i ended up in the state of michigan and will be staying here for another 3 years (that is if everything goes ACCORDING TO PLAN. except that there is no solid plan except that i want to graduate on time). tuition fee is ridiculously high and the taiwanese dollar is currently shrinking but i can't see myself possibly graduating on time without a major picked out already. oh man....

alright.time to study for the last time in 4 months. wow.here goes.

what is going on.

currently caught in a web of worry and confusion.

i'm sitting outside of the benz because i need to be alone. i need this silence.

there's a man outside waiting for someone to let him in. i am skeptical and selfish.

nevermind, the man was here for a reason, it really is none of my business.

i shouldn't even be online right now, i'm done with all of my papers

it's been a long haul of essays, i'm glad it's the end of the semester

so i sit here with my almost empty odwalla, sitting next to my stats notes

all this talk about relationships and dating makes me want to choke

i am not ready.

but i want to be.

i can't help but be curious.

i want to know these things.

but at the same time i am terrified.

can i just run away this time?

what is this

an invasion of privacy

how come my conviction

is not as strong as it used to be?

what is happening to me

i have changed for the better

that's exactly what i want to believe

now i am confused with my single identity

because i want to see beyond me

i want affection, true feelings

this is exhausting. fine i'll leave it be.

all-nighter.makes one a fighter.

two papers down. 3 more to turn in on monday. 3 more exams. then i'll be done with my freshman year. : | it was certainly a fast ride but i had a BALLER time here in ann arbor.

13 degrees Celcius with a high of 18 today! i'm currently wearing a skirt and flip flops. who wouldn't? haha. i can't wait for the humid summer in taiwan. 4 months babyyyyy.

anthroculture films can be irritating when you're sleep-deprived. the music is very hard to appreciate.a little too much dissonance for me.

course-choosing took me 2 hours today. crazy. i'm thinking of trying for music comp and movement science anyway (even though it doesn't fit into my schedule right now). hopefully it'll work out. so far i have bio human nutrition, psych 270 intro to psychpathy (learn how criminals think), writing poetry (RC class. looks like i'll be in EQ still afterall: ) ), and musicology (intro to popular music). i decided to drop history of art for this semester because i wanted to take musicology more. haha i'm excited for my classes next semester.: ) at least i don't get last pick anymore. it just keeps getting better.

back to the UGLI.it's always so trying.

with no more Good News practices occupying five hours of my week, i am free...to study. i'm currently writing my final english paper (counts as a final exam). it's due in a week but since it has to be 8 pages long, i'm trying to finish it ASAP as editing will need time. on top of that, my anthrocul paper is due 3 days after that (12 pages!!!!!). yeah. this is going to be massive paper writing week.

exams will have to wait. ah lovely lovely. i'm finally taking my first blue book (women's studies). after that, i can finally step on the M in the Diag. haha. superstition.

i just needed a break from paper writing. ah. i really look forward to taking different courses next semester. it's going to be BALLER. i'm thinking of taking a music comp class in the bell tower, bio huma nutrition, art history (with the newly reopened art museum, it's going to be great), and either complit, women's studies health, or another psych class.

but for now, crunch time for school.

last month of school!

28 days left in my freshman year of college. OH EM GEEE. it's great. i love the end of the school year even though it's draining and a little straining but i love it anyway. it's been a good year. i'm glad that God brought me here even though i still don't have the slightest clue as to what major i will be graduating with. more importantly, i have to find my calling first. actually, i'm not sure how it's all going to play out (only God knows.Amen!) but i will keep trusting Him. He's the Mastermind.

to dad and mom: just a clarification. that was totally a prank. when it actually happens, i hope you guys will be joyful about it. i'm almost 19! like dad said, "it's going to happen sometime soon anyway." : ) i wait and pray for the day haha. MEANWHILE, i am diligently studying. and singing.

incompetent. or just plain useless?

self-doubt
arises as i
try to search for more information
on a topic that is not set in stone yet
i haven't even started
writing the paper
i should make that plural
i need to get a grip and do it
but the escapist inside of my screams:
WAIT.are you sure?
doubt is not a presence i enjoy.

lack of time. breathing for air. dropping my cares.for the moment.

topic proposal
essay memorial
a decade of pages
thrown down into a moldy grave.

silently
we pray for the was
because we are left
with an ample supply
of years to cry.

i watch the person lie on her back
from a distance, i am just a bystander
but as my vision focuses on the face
my heart beats faster
and i cannot wait
for the person to awaken.again.
breathe.please.
don't leave us hanging on hope
because we want to know
if you'll be okay

we always want a resolution
to the things we don't understand
but the plan is already written
let us not doubt God's saving hand.

my bucket list

alright. these are the things i want to do before my life is over:

1. tapdance and beatbox at the same time
2. bungee jump off of a bridge with a loved one
3. revisit europe again with a DSL and have a photography exhibition after that (it will be predominantly sepia, just a heads up)
4. fast for 30 hours to raise awareness for famine in many many countries
5. work as a translator where the need be
6. donate my hair again to someone
7. find a major besides vampire studies during the next 3 years of undergrad
8. be in a relationship with a guy

that's all i have in mind at the moment. this bucket list will most likely change as i grow older but for now, this is it.

wow how long has it been?

current status: response paper due tomorrow. practically done. needs editing.and printing out.drinking a bottle of mocha frappuccino.should eat oranges and banana instead. will do in time.

just a quick update: i've been good. i don't want to worry you or disappoint you but i cannot guarantee very good grades at the moment. i need a better work ethic and try to manage my time more (for example, instead of typing up this blog, i should be finishing my response paper or taking a shower).

HOWEVER,

on the spiritual and the emotional level, it's been an all-time high. i'm loving Good News a capella. i love the music we're singing, the people i'm singing with, but most of all the reason behind the singing: GOD!

i am sad that two friends of mine are leaving during these two days (one is gone already actually). however, i am glad to have spent a few more moments with them this week. God has really been blessing me with the company of great people lately. i never feel alone anymore. thank God.

as i finish the last 6 weeks of freshman year, i continue to realize how much i have grown and changed from the person i was seven months ago. praise God for that.: )

this is one of those moments

there comes a time when escaping from responsibility will not do.
when putting off talking on the phone with my parents reaches a point of disobedience.
when the pimples on my face clearly reflect how irresponsibly i've been living.
when my lack of attention span or selective attention is driving down to nil even in the social scene.
when my identity crisis as an overly balanced ABC is making me more of an outsider than a person who can mesh into both groups.
when my lack of motivation to learn new songs on the guitar is starting to reflect my lack of motivation to learn anything.
when my calling is still unclear and my patience is running out, thus affecting the earnestness in my prayers.
when i reach the end of my thought and say to myself: "what was i thinking? nothing worth mentioning" and i give up sharing anything at all.

and to those who withhold from others, they will be withheld from as well. as you can see, that is me.

i am not my own.

this has been a hard concept to accept: i am not my own. i am not here to fulfill my needs and leave the rest. i am here, to further God's kingdom. this isn't a joke.a story. something i can just toss into the trash can and never expect to see again. God is real and working. i can testify to this because i speak from my own life's experiences.

yes, college has not been smooth. i've completed two songs in the span of half a year (all-time low) and it's a really good thing i don't have to base my self-worth on my grades. my faith is not my escape route - it is what defines it. though i fall short in faith a lot of days, i am still certain that God will lead me through every trial He may put in my way. for some reason i feel that the end is near - or my end is near. i am no longer uneasy about the talk or thought of death. it is good that God hasn't given me a life that i would have a hard time giving up.

as i sit here in the UGLI, i start to think: really?

the longer i live here, the more i begin to see how living in the States is not "better" in any way. at times, it seems even worse than being back home.actually, home has become the ideal situation for me. i know there were, and still are flaws to staying in taiwan, but i can't hep it: i really do miss it for what it is.

as i interact and observe the people around me, i still don't feel a strong connection with the people who grew up here (doesn't matter if they're chinese or asian. here as in America). rather, i find myself instantly connecting to those who are from a different country (and they don't even have to be from taiwan or china.actually, i'm not very tight with the people from china.i have to be careful when i say where i'm from because believe it or not, i really think a good number of them get offended when i say i'm from "taiwan.") strange how my perspective has changed in terms of building relationships with others.

i have less than an hour to work on this women's studies midterm paper due this friday. i pray that i will be able to finish it soon. sometimes it's really not about the GPA anymore. i know it should be but i'm finding so much more to life than getting good grades. this could be a form of escapism but i wouldn't give up any of the things God has given to me this semester.

我很好

i eat lots of fruit and vegetables (even though i only took a few bites out of my salad for dinner tonight.i'm running low on tolerance for salad)

i eat yogurt everyday.it's kept me healthy so far until now.but i'm on my way back to recovery.

i sleep a good 7-8 hours a day (even though it's not the best period of time)

i haven't exercised in half a month but i will do it during spring break after DUP.

i am still around the same weight when i left home this winter. i don't think i'll ever be able to "gain" weight from eating this dining hall food.

classes are alright.not exciting but i'll manage to finish this term.


don't worry about me.pray for me. that God will continue to show me His will for my life.thank you.

one last thing.

tiff pan says: (2:01:39 AM)
still awake
tiff pan says: (2:01:45 AM)
don't hesitate
tiff pan says: (2:01:46 AM)
to relate
tiff pan says: (2:01:59 AM)
it is our fate
tiff pan says: (2:02:13 AM)
to say what we mean.even in times when we cannot think
tiff pan says: (2:02:33 AM)
properly we were never standard
tiff pan says: (2:02:49 AM)
we just wear our lanyards, hoping we'll blend in with the rest
tiff pan says: (2:03:03 AM)
and no offend, learn to accept, the differences and unfairness
tiff pan says: (2:03:27 AM)
but eventually we have to come to terms with ourselves: what's good for us and what isn't
tiff pan says: (2:03:46 AM)
and make amends, find ways around it, until we reach the end: heaven.

back in the benz.not the car.

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support the asian artists out there.

just to name off a few of my own favorites:

Magnetic North ( a Vietnamese rapping duo)
Corinne May
Vienna Teng
KevJumba (yes i've been watching his youtube videos recently)
WongFu Productions (Ted and Phil!!!)
Jennifer Chung (she did a really good job with "New Soul")
Marie Digby (well she's half Chinese)


see it's quite a list. YAY FOR ASIAN ARTISTS OUT THERE! great inspiration, really.

a whiff of nostalgia.

as my jaws circulate the piece of Extra herbal xylitol gum in a planetary yet springy motion, i am reminded of Taiwan on this big Chinese holiday, New Years Day. the sweetness slowly dissolves as the number of people on the Diag becomes sparse and slow. layers and layers of Northface and UGGs are prevalent in the campus scene.

in contrast, i walk to class in my pearl Net feather jacket and boots from JC Penny. does it bother me that at times i feel out of place?

yes, but not because of what i'm wearing. it goes deeper than that - it is the constant identity reasserting i must become comfortable doing.

does it annoy me that the dining halls can't make Chinese food, espcially on Chinese New Year?

yes. i have completely given up on eating cooked tofu here. they don't know how to make it but they try anyway. i am going to the dinner in half an hour but i've learned to not expect anything.

does having to come into interaction with a person part of a frat or sorority almost daily shake my perception of Greek life?

yes and no. the fact that i still refuse to attend the mass meetings or events even after personal invites in person and on facebook explains my decision. i admit that i feel a bit annoyed when i overhear people talking about how this sorority is better than the other one when standing in line for lunch. but then again some of my classmates in my English 225 class are in sororities and fraternities. does that mean i shun them out? no, i had a workshop session with one of them today, though i do feel some distance whenever i'm talking to them. getting a text message from a dorm friend asking if i have slacks is self-explanatory. i can't get away from it - it is a choice pof lifestyle that is very desired and ubiquitous at this school. so i must learn to accept it and not judge the next person i see carrying an alpha kappa sigma tote bag.

thus concludes my reflections of the day as the sky turns dirty grey as my banana peel rots away on the table.

(i think i was partly inspired by kevjumba's random youtube videos.)

poem written during women's studies discussion

it's so hard to break this
but i believe it can be different
these restrictions
come from discrimination
in this generation
unfairness
dispersion
so many definitions
for the same diction
oh i wish this was fiction
this life that we're living
the history, the happened
the present, the unexpected
it all comes down to racism
sexism, heterosexism
and we're back to these limitations. again.

ah.what's the use to knowing all the answers?

call-backs are on monday. i had a feeling i wouldn't get in on first try. nothing comes easily anymore. it never did - i think i just want to believe that there was one point in my life where it was closer to perfect. ah my disillusioned imagination.

lucy schwartz's lyrics make a lot of sense:
"when it all comes down to it
what's the use in knowing all the answers?"

for tonight, it would have been an earlier bedtime and less pimples. but then again, no matter how early i sleep, i still have pimples on my face. it's really affected by my mood.and i'm constantly thinking too much about things i should've abandoned in my head a long time ago.haha.that's me.i will change.gradually.slowly, but i am.always in the process. and i will learn to love the process more than the result.eventually.

how do i change? or is this how i am made?

so.linguistics is not my strongest subject. hahaha. well i gave it a shot.just like so many other things in my life: piano, violin, softball, crystal choir, french. sigh. did i ever have a strong point? something i could count on, be proud of?

it used to be singing. harmonizing. creating music. but what is it now? singing opportunities are dwindling when they're supposed to be thriving.without a choir/a capella group, my chances of harmonizing are small. creating music? 2 unofficial self-made albums doesn't make me professional. sigh.

what am i doing here? i can't even focus on doing hw anymore. all i want to do is escape from my responsibilities. i don't know what i'm pursuing so i can't seem to put in my full effort. linguistics. eh.english.stuck. stats.boring. women's studies.long. am i just too picky?

first lesson: humility

i woke up this morning feeling pretty at ease. went down to breakfast, came back upstairs and cheked my email. haha.i didn't get into kopitonez. it's funny how i thought it went well. it was all fake though.i guess they were just not impressed. now it's going to be a bit awkward seeing these people again. sigh. sucks how a few of them are in AIV.wow. i think this is the first singing audition i didn't pass. this is humility. humility. humility.

i have yet to learn persistence, reflection, boldness, and trust. God grant me the strength to keep trying even when nothing is coming easily.

God grants sleep to those whom He loves.: )

I just slept for 9 hours straight and it feels great! I love waking up not because I have to but because i have the freedom of choice to do so. that's one thing i'm glad is different from high school. sleeping at 12 is way better than sleeping at 4. it's insane how i didn't get this until i tried both sleeping schedules. people have told me again and again why sleeping late is bad, not worth trying but i just had to go through it myself before making the decision not to do so anymore.

while my tuition is still getting processed by the school (wrote a check and gave it to them on friday but since they don't work on the weekends or on MLK day, it hasn't been accepted officially yet), i am enjoying temporarily "unpaid" resources.haha: )

trying out for a capella tonight. "kopintonez" is the group i'm auditioning for. if i get in, i get to go to lunar ball for free since they are invited to perform at the event. haha that shouldn't be my main incentive for joining. i do love to sing.but even more with others when i get to harmonize with them.: ) it makes me so free.

hyper.active.

i'm sitting in my dorm room alone at 2:30 in the morning. i should be asleep but i just got of the phone with my parents.25-minute phone call.i'm going to make an effort to call my grandparents and parents this semester. i didn't call them even once last semester. i let them call me. but i'm going to start taking the initiative now. because i want to.and they deserve it.after all they've done for me.i miss them...especially now more than ever as Chinese New Years draws nearer. january 26th should be off as MLK is. i'm proud to be Chinese. i will celebrate the Year of the cow, mahjong or no mahjong, gala or no gala (there's a CNY gala going on next week that some of my Chinese friends are going to).

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life has never been better. it could be the lateness of the night (or should i say, the earliest hours of the morning?) or the two episodes of grey's anatomy and private practice i just watched. but tonight, i feel good. i feel good about life. about this moment. my dad said something must have happened within this past week, maybe finding "the right guy." well, i'm sorry to disappoint you dad but it's not a guy. it's better. He is God. He is changing my perspective slowly on life.

He is showing me how the pursuit of happiness is not something we think about normally but so important. just like the pursuit of peace. the pursuit of keeping in contact. the pursuit of education. the pursuit of godliness, of acquiring the fruits of the Spirit. these things don't come running into our lives. we need to pursue them. Pursuing God is key - only then will these things come into the picture.

it's getting later. i should be asleep. but i had a spurt of inspiration and decided to write it down.
michelle: i appreciate your mentioning of me in your latest blogpost. i know i can't always be there for you (am not there in person for the most part. i'll miss spending CNY with you this year), but just know that God is accessible at all times (no phone bill! blessedness of calling to heaven) and skype credits are affordable (for the people on earth, like your family and me haha).