9:20 a.m.

I finally managed to wake up past 8 this morning. considering that i'm on break right now, i should be catching up on sleep. the excitement and joy of being at home has kept me from over-sleeping.

"Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."-Psalm 90:12-
what better verse to start off the year? i cannot think of another one.suggestions?

i find this quote very true and i particularly like how this person worded it:
"knowing that God loves us comes by faith;
feeling His love for us comes by relationship."

becoming an overwoman.

even though i still think Nietzsche is an extremely sexist and biased individual, he did make some pretty good points about life and humanity. one of his main principles was the importance of overcoming the self.

"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."- Philippians 3:13-

I must let go of the past wrongs, my past behavior - the old me. I have to take a step forward without turning around to look at what I'm leaving behind. this means taiwan too. i have approximately one week left here and like it or not, it's going to pass me by faster than i want it to and i'll be back at school in no time. so in order not to waste more time thinking about rigidly frozen past memories, i need to overcome my sometimes annoying habit of "thinking too much."


God, please set me free from the past. the happened. the familiar. it's time to breakthrough and make new. i embrace the new year that is to come.

future goals.

so you asked me what my future goals are - the thing(s) i have to do to make my semester worthwhile. here they are:


1. spread the gospel to more people
2. find out whether public policy is my calling from God or not
3. join an a capella, dance, or photography club (not sure if i'll be able to handle all three of them plus AIVCF)
4. make prayer a powerful part of my life
5. read karl marx and c.s. lewis
6. finish the Old Testament
7. come out with a 3rd album (learn more songs on guitar as well.more techniques)
8. stop losing weight, complaining about dorm food (food in general)
9. stay close with those who are close to me now, but at the same time step out there and meet new friends

Christmas Eve.

"it makes me feel like a child again...
the snow all around me is falling all around me.it's falling all around me.
what's coming my why? should have worn a thicker coat today because i'm afraid of accidents."- "snow (demo" by abbie stauffer.

i love the songs she writes. and even better when she sends me a recorded file so i can listen to them repetetively however many times i want. love love it.

tiff pan

it's a beautiful day.at home.: )

the sun is constantly wrapping it's arms around my shoulder as i sit on the bench outside of the house, talking to my mom. i breathe in the fresh summer air even though it is supposed to be winter here. it's as if i had never left, but i know something must have changed while i wasn't here. besides two bathrooms remodeled and my bookshelf shifted to the end of my bed, there is no conspicuous difference. i am relieved that the grass and trees are still going green in this part of the world - pearly white can be a little eye-piercing at times. yet, something must have changed. maybe not the house, my room, my parents, or grandparents. i get the gist that it is me who has

changed, yet stuck to her beliefs and roots,
lost, but found many others in return
embittered, but been learning to love at a distance and most of all: to forgive,
tried, but not devoid of hope.instead, it increases as the days go on.



i am genuinely thrilled and grateful to be home this Christmas. thank You for bringing me through the past four months in Ann Arbor. the journey has only begun, yet i am in need of restoration and peace. thank You for giving me just that. coming home is the best Christmas gift I have ever received.

osaka airport.

half an hour to kill. ALMOST.there. ah i didn't do too well overall this term in terms of grades. i could see it coming though. sometimes the classes you choose out of interest turn out to be the hardest courses. je ne comprends pas. must do better next semester. but i'm not going to worry about school for 16 days. there's just more to life.

DONE.回家吧...

i'm currently awake for abbie to come and visit me one last time before my flight, which is in less than 12 hours!!!!!!i could scream with excitement right now but sleepiness and silent hours are keeping me from doing that.

"breath me"-sia performed by testimony a capella is playing on my itunes right now. i should change it due to unwanted resurfacing memories, but i'm not going to.i've made up my mind not to classify things in such an extreme manner because it is impossible to completely de-intertwine yourself from certain situations sometimes. so, in order to continue to live without the cost of regrets, i have to accept it. accepting it is not just nodding my head and saying it's all past me. accepting it means taking steps in the snow where no one has trodden on yet. it means setting, walking bravely in my own path. to HEY with the cost of regrets, mistakes, unhappiness, depression, insomnia, anger, frustration, losing, forgetfulness, carelessness, and all the other flaws i possess. to HEY with it.

=========================================

going home.today.done.with finals.got.two letter grades back already.still waiting for the other two.but so far.i have a 3.5 gpa.i.shall.do better.next term.trust.trust.have faith.in this life i lead.and even more in the One who leads.me.

love wash over a multitude of things

bitterness can eat up the soul
past trappings are nothing but haunted houses
that i never want to step in again.

brokenness is not easily healed
glue can hold, but the cracks still remain
God's hand has to intervene.eventually for anything to change.

life here has opened my eyes
to the hurt and injustice that plagues this land
i am appalled, but i trust God has a plan

use me, Lord in the way You see fit
teach me to love others as if they were my kin
let me let go of the past wrongs, my multitude of sins.

almost.home

one more week!!!! i'm currently studying in the benz, but i seriously wish i were on the plane back home instead. fast forward to a week, please. two more exams. then i'm out.

onze jours.

best of studying and results on finals. can't believe i'm finally going home after these past four months. nonetheless oh so grateful.


Thank You, God.for giving me this life.for giving me multiple chances to start over. for meeting me in the ordinary.for telling me that's it's okay to be ordinary and nothing but ordinary. Thank You. i can't say it enough.

it's really the small things that hold me near.

I opened my eyes from a 10-hour sleep and felt like the ultimate escapist. in the midst of everyone else's lack of sleep, i could still find time to sleep more than the usual 7-8 hours. With French class cancelled due to the oral exam and my oral session moved till thursday lunch, I was free to spend the morning CHOOSING COURSES. i write this in capital letters because it is not something i enjoy doing very much.but then again, what have i really been enjoying lately?

i went to physics of music and my nietzsche writing seminar after lunch. i ended up writing poetry in both classes. detached and dejected, i walked out into the cold to meet alissa (friend from choir) at mason hall to walk to the school of public health. we got there a good 15 minutes after rehearsal had begun. i finally managed to slip on ice for the first time since it started snowing. i was in a hurry to turn around from the first door we tried to open (it was locked, obviously) and fell on my knee. amazingly, it didn't hurt at all.

even during east quad small group Christmas banquet practice, i was just going through the motions, enjoying myself because it was the right thing to do, not because i was truly involved. two hours after small group, zhongnan called me to tell me that he forgot to give us east quaders the december issue for crossculture.

honestly, i only read my sister's article in the last issue. i felt compelled to read the whole issue this time and i am glad that i did. i knew everyone who wrote an article in the issue and was very encouraged by each of their insightful sharings. thanks, zhongnan for walking back to east quad to pass them out.

just then on my way to the resonance room (a.k.a women's bathroom), i saw a girl in my hall crying on the phone in the lounge. i felt compelled to bring her some tissue. thinking that thin toilet paper wasn't very sincere, i went back to my room to get some nice lotion puffs tissue. she looked so grateful when i put them next to her on the couch. who knew a simple act of kindness could put a temporary smile on a crying face. the simplest things are often ignored, overlooked = suppressed to the corner because there are "more important things" to deal with. she knocked on my door just then to say thank you.

i was dejected, detached, and confused.but i end today on a lighter note: there is hope for the world when you truly believe that the small things can ignite a bigger flame.


to my parents: i am alive and well. although i did have thoughts many a time that i could be depressed, even up until today, but because of God, i am ok. don't worry too much about me - i am in God's hands. i'll be home in 15 days (believe it or not). talk to you guys then.

the ground beneath me is breaking.

this song has never sounded so clear to me than it does now.


"I'm a new soul I came to this strange world hoping
I could learn a bit about how to give and take.
But since I came here felt the joy and the fear
finding myself making every possible mistake

See I'm a young soul in this very strange world hoping
I could learn a bit about what is true and fake.
But why all this hate try to communicate
finding just that love is not always easy to make.

This is a happy end, 'cause you don't understand
Everything you have done, why's everything so wrong?" -
"New Soul" by Yael Naim


But it's hard.so hard.for me to laugh again. in the midst
of my carelessness and fault.
one moment i'm ok, the next, i break.


at times i am lost
i am fragile and broken
But i'm always found in Him.



let this be true, God. let this be my truth that i can
hold onto. i am lost,but i'll be found in You. this is a test
i know. this is so many things.
yet, it is comforting to know that Your hand is behind all
of this.
i cannot deny that i am frustrated for having to make so
many mistakes
and suffer for the consequences.yet You redeem in me.
You give me a new
perspective. You are giving me a second chance.to start
over.
to slow down.to not rush my life. to take it, literally,
one step at a time
i wanted a new identity, a new name, a new change.
you took away from me
what i relied on, was familiar with, set me on unstable ground.
to show me that i am not my own. i am Your's.LET YOUR
KINGDOM COME. LET YOUR
WILL BE DONE.ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN, LORD.
just be here.come, come
and take your people home.i know i want to go home.LET
US SPREAD THE WORD
so God will come sooner!

refine me.define me. mold me. hold me in Your arms.

looks like i won't have to play guitar outside on the curbside of the dorm today afterall. my roommate graciously gave me 20 bucks for my meals today. the first i thought i had this morning when i woke up was: "life is more about the food you eat, the clothes you wear("do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?"-Matthew 6:25)

God is refining me through fire. i managed to finish the 61 questions on the book "the antichrist" in one night. while having to read about extremely false and piercing statements about God and Christians for the whole night in the dim hallway, it was really You who pulled me through it. my Mcard is still nowhere to be seen, but i know today's worry is enough for the day. i have no idea where the rest of my meals will come from but i know that today i'll be okay. that's all i need. thank You God for being gracious to me.

lost and found.hopefully.

i've lost and broken many things during my time here:
-keys (12 times)
-bowl
-phone charger
-credit card
-my laughter

my most recent lost is my M Card. could it be any worse?the answer is yes.

i haven't found what i'm looking for yet.i haven't found a group of solid friends that can stay with me, no matter what the weather is. it's ironic how it fell apart once the seasons started to change from fall to winter. i haven't found classes that i'm really passionate about. i haven't found my soul mate yet. i haven't found my path, my future, or my purpose. i haven't found myself completely. i have so much to learn. in the process, i keep falling on the ground. i am bruised, but i'm not broken. i can't stop now. i'm almost home. i want to go home.

Your timing is perfect.: )

two letters and one package from home. all in one night : )

"i think it is not bad to take a long time to find what you re interested in. so take it easy.: ) i hope things will get better soon." -card from Hisano.

i really needed to hear those words from someone.thank You for speaking them through Hisano's card.: )

It's amazing how we've kept in contact. she lives in japan. the only reason she went to taiwan four years ago was because she was in an international transfer-student program. my family had the blessing of being her host family: )i was 14 and she was 15.

she only stayed for a week but we had such a good time taking sticker pictures, buying cheap t-shirts (she bought one that said "HOT" in shiny, neon flashing colors.my sister and i couldn't stop laughing), and watching pirates of the carribean. i remember showing her my family's photo albums because it was the only thing i could think of for her to do while mel and i did our homework.

i have an abundance of snacks and hot drink packets from my parents. : ) so so so grateful for such considerate and loving parents. i absolutely cannot wait to see and spend time with them again.

: ) 就是高興

"some say that Your love's like the mountains
or the rivers that run to the sea
but i know that Your love's so much nearer
it's in everything i see..ohhhhhh
it's in everything i see." -abbie strauffer's "college love and cheesecake"

i absolutely love love love her music. i am so blessed by God to have gotten to meet such an awesome RA in East Quad who tells me to :"end confidently."

she's one of the people i know i was meant to meet. i've always wanted to meet and befriend other songwriters, and living in this dorm has provided me with many opportunities to do so. i am so thankful and happy right now not just because of this wonderful song i've fallen in love with, but just being God's child is the best gift ever. i was literally skipping on my way to RESCOMP (yes..in the scary pipe-ceiling, green-floored basement). i just feel this un-impenetrable joy flowing out of me, so much of it that i need to share it with other people. i am finally starting to understand what it means to be in joy despite your circumstances. finally, i am taking steps forward in my walk with God.thank You.

two bruises and eyes open.

i started the day with various items falling.i end the day with a bruise on my knee from hitting my drawers two days ago, and a bruise on my elbow that i hit twice (once on the shower faucet, and another on the door knob of my closet. it was a patch of red skin for a five minutes.

i'll be fine though. i'm quite focused tonight.and i got to watch 20 minutes of "transformers" (i have yet to watch the whole movie) slant-eyed on my roommate's tv. i actually don't feel that guilty for watching her tv (at times.only when she's watching it) and not paying for the cable because i share fruit (not from the dining hall.from meijers) with her, lend her my hair straightener, and let her use my printer. i guess it evens out. she bought the internet cable and the fridge (which i should use more often).haha, nevertheless, i'm looking forward to getting an apartment next year.

clumsy.but blessed.

when i awake,
i am still with you.
-psalm 139:18-


dropping a half a banana, accidently kicking my folder, dropping my contacts solution bottle cap, and almost breaking another toilet is not going to change anything.

escapist.must face this.

give me a guitar
it'll take me far
into a world
where truthfulness is expressed
yet it is still covered with a vagueness
of heavy-dripping diction
i cannot help but notice
that this illusion
of beauty and perfection
is still my refuge
when i am caught in the tempest.


so now, what do i make of it?

sweating.but exhilarated nonetheless.

i just played three songs sitting on the east quad counter. i was on my way back to my room to get my psych notebook. abby was working behind the counter and she was playing guitar. she made me stop and play her a song. she had to help activate a temporary key for a girl who locked herself out so i went up to get my notebook first. she played me one of her songs first, which was absolutely amazing. her voice is sooooo beautiful! the guitar accompanied her lyrics and melody PERFECTLY. i was totally carried away in my imagination. the song was a Christian song talking about how no matter where she goes, God knows and watches after her constantly.: ) it's so beautiful.

at first, i played "some peace of mind." she really enjoyed it, so i played her "free." she made me re-do the ending three times because i kept cracking up and so my voice kept wavering. she was like: " end confidently! do it again." ahahha i should play in front of her more often because she gives me really good feedback. she told me that my music reminds her of a mix of vanessa carlton and michelle branch. i get the michelle branch part quite a lot but it was still refreshing to hear it.: ) she likes how i do riffs on the melody and with the guitar. haha.notice my blogspot name. she was talking about how she's having trouble writing songs at the moment ( " a dry well" she called it) and how it seemed impossible to have sad lyrics to an upbeat tune. then i told her that i actually wrote a song like that.i played her "and he said." man, there were so many people walking past the counter and just sitting in the lounge. thank goodness no one complained or told me to shut-up or anything.haha i'm tomato-free so i guess that's a good sign.

it was great just being able to play in front of another songwriter who is also a Christian. thank You for leading me to her, God.

haha so fitting.

" in vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat -
for he grants sleep to those he loves." -psalms 127:2-

haha i woke up early to study for my physics of music midterm, which i took this afternoon.: ) so glad it's over.no more late night studying for tonight! i have the day off tomorrow because the french oral exam is still going on. i finished mine last friday so i'm free to go to meijers.yes, time to get food and supplies. i have two papers and one exam next week.despite that, i'm still glad it's the weekend again.: )

a few verses for sharing.

"i lift up my eyes to the hills-
where does my help come from?
my help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth...

the Lord will keep you from all harm -
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore." -psalm 121: 1-2, 7-8 -


i remember one issue of Our Daily Bread using the last two lines of this Bible passage (v. 7-8) for the cover verse. the picture was of a cottage alley with houses covered with leaves and tiles that held stories of old age. i really like that picture. even after such a long time, i can still recall it and it still brings peace to me. yeah it'd be cool to submit pictures for the cover of Our Daily Bread.

the way it is.

at around 5 pm, i trekked to my sister's apartment, which is a 7-minute walk from my dorm. by the time i passed u towers, i started running because the rain started getting bigger. i quickly knocked and jerry let me in. my sister had just started cooking the delicious 魯肉飯we've been talking about for the past week. little did i know that once i started talking about life, i didn't stop until our plates were empty.

i'm really grateful that God gave me an older sister like Mello. No one will ever be able to replace her. she listened to me talk, injecting in her "words of wisdom" here and there, and just made me feel at home.it's been so long since we've been able to spend some time one-on-one. i usually see her at large group so there are always lots of people around.

one thing i realized while talking to her is that life is so unresolved. most of the time, our complications and situations don't have solutions at all, not at the time when we want them at least. i know that God has His timing in giving us the answers and all, but at times i just get very impatient. i'm still in the process of learning how to become a more patient person. it's grueling but i'm willing to let God take me through it. as long as He's guiding me, i'm not going to worry about it incessantly like i have been doing. yeah it was more than eating a good home-cooked meal with my dearest sister.

DON'T.TOUCH.

why can't guys keep their hands to themselves? what gives them the right to "make moves" on girls who clearly aren't interested?

this is the third time i've been harassed in some way by an african american guy. i'm trying very hard not to be racist, but to this point, i'm finding it almost impossible. today in choir, the guy standing next to me brushed my hair. at first, i didn't know it was him.then he said: " your hair is very fun to play with." i smiled awkwardly, thinking he'd stop. but he didn't. he kept swishing it back and forth so i was like: "stop. please." i should have glared at him at that point, but i heard myself just quietly saying it. it was as if i had lost my own voice of reason. how can i just let these things go? i'm not trying to make a big deal out of it. it just is for me. i don't want to put up with any more harassment in the future, thank you very much. i don't deserve it and i don't think ANY girl out there does either. so just keep your hands to yourself. seriously.

going for it.

it could just be an obsession.but it is driving me to work towards it. it's my gravitational pull.i'm totally in love with the place already. i felt so inspired when i was studying there last night.can't wait till i go back again. i pass by the place almost everyday, most of the time intentionally. it still remains my favorite place on campus. i will not let this go to waste.

開夜車

a flashback of the past summer just hit me. my mom and i were on the train, riding back to hsinchu. the ticket-seller didn't correct the time and date of our pre-bought tickets, so we ended up walking back and forth through the train. during the intervals when we weren't moving, i was studying my drivers license booklet.

then i thought of how soph and i were sitting next to each other, holding our breath as the names of the four people who didn't pass were called. despite that i only got to drive 4 days (legally i mean), it was still a pleasure that i CANNOT WAIT to have again when i go back this december. if only gas prices would go down...i'd be driving from taipei to hsinchu all the time.

everyone seems to have found their niche in life. it must be so ethereal to have found your place. i'm praying that i'll be able to reach my potential and come out on the top for once without drowning.

guacamole.don't think too much.

we used to sit in the last row of our 10A classroom. your desk didn't have the fake wooden covering so you would always draw on mine. now that i think back on it, we used to communicate a lot through the writings on the desks. too bad all those 2b-lead conversations are bleached off and gone. plus, we're continents and oceans away from our home right now. it doesn't matter anymore.

it was only the beginning few months of sophomore year, but i wasn't in a very good state of mind due to the sudden absence of a sibling to fight with at home. it was lonesome and heart-tugging. plus, it was also the first year we started taking our AP courses. supply and demand will always have a special place in my heart (despite how much i didn't like econ during that time).

one day as i was ranting to you about life ( your ear and heart are always open, i am amazed at your patience and understanding of me), you wrote the words "guacamole" in beautiful, dark cursive. then you added "don't think too much" underneath it in a smaller font. it was a variation from lion king's "hakunamatata: it means no worries for the rest of your days."

thank you for writing on my desk that day. suddenly, these words came to me today. i miss you a lot but i'll see you soon this december.until then, i'll try to stay positive and less reminiscent.

don't understand.but i want to.

i'm at peace...when i see two people strumming a banjo and a guitar outside at midnight.

i'm at peace...when i turn on my ipod and just go running outside on the sidewalk.

but i'm at complete peace...when my heart is beating furiously and i'm lying on the grass, staring up at the leaves wavering in the wind. the music is flowing through the earphones, burying deep into my soul.

yet when i come back into reality, i sink to the depths of worry.it's just not happening for me.so what do i do now?

i love the rain the most.when it stops.

i finished stretching, put the keys in my butt pocket, grabbed my ipod shuffle and walked out my dorm room. one look at the window kept me from walking any further. it was pouring hard, no kidding. i shut the door and pondered for a few minutes, debating whether i should risk getting sick or just walk to ccrb. i decided to take a risk and it was totally worth it.

i didn't get sick because the rain dimmed down after a minute i started running. i took the opposite route from the normal one i take. it was blissful running towards the open sky past the chabad house and back to law quad.i literally ran through all the stone paths of law quad.it's one of those impulsive moments that i'll look back on and laugh at. for some reason, i thought that running through all the paths would eventually lead me into law school. it was just a passing thought, which i hope will come true.: )

it was a really good work-out.i came back sweating more than i've ever sweated here. haha i really miss taiwan's humidity. sweating feels so good when you're alone.

Bayu really loves me.but i hate him.

BAYU has been sending me an email notification every other day or so. i have finally deleted all types of P2P programs. i guess it doesn't count as disabled until you empty out your trash and restart your computer. BAYU really ticks me off.

by the way, BAYU stands for Be Aware You're Uploading.



okay hopefully i'm safe from internet termination now.: | goodness.this just makes me want to go back to the motherland where we can download HOWEVER MUCH WE WANT without having to worry about stupid BAYU emails.

just for laughs.

today as i was walking in the hallway of 2nd cooley, i overheard these two guys talking:

"ann arbor is gotham city. we need a black knight."


i couldn't stop smiling after i heard that. i seriously love it when people use wordplay like that. not to be racist or anything, but that does fit quite well especially since today is the last day for voters to register for the upcoming election.

by the way,i just witnessed a guy getting locked out. he came into the library to ask his roommate for his key. it actually makes me feel slightly better now when i think about my record of 8 times. i don't think anyone can beat that easily. and i hope you never will.: | so careless. but i will learn.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSS IT WORKS!

I have finally set up my printer after leaving it to gather dust for a month. it's a wireless printer, but i simply can't set it up properly wireless. so i thought that i had to get a usb connector to the printer. meijier's didn't have it (they told me that i needed to contact the printer company for the cord) so i thought i had to buy at staples or on amazon. however, this past month, i haven't gotten the chance to go to staples, and i'm still a bit reluctant about buying stuff on amazon (my physics textbook took 3 weeks to get here.i returned it right after it got it because it came too late).

i'm using my ethernet cable. so relieved because it took me around 5 minutes to print my papers out at RESCOMP an hour ago. that triggered me to set-up my printer ASAP because i was just so sick of waiting in line for it to print (not the mention all the time wasted just getting to RESCOMP and back). yeah. it's time to be time-efficient.i'm sleeping at 11:30 tonight. no more 3 am library sessions.

i need this.to break.

I need this old train to breakdown 
Oh, please just let me please breakdown 
I need this old train to breakdown
Oh, please just let me please breakdown 

I want to break on down
But I can't stop now
Let me break on down

He does it for love.so should we.

"Because he loves me," says the Lord,
"I will rescue him;
i will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation." - Psalms 91: 14-16-


Your love is so great.so satisfying.i cannot express it merely with words, but thank You for showing me this passage this morning. now i feel at peace again because i am once again reminded of Your ever-present love.願全部的榮耀歸給你!

晨更

i read from Psalms 88 today.

"For my soul is full of trouble" -psalms 88:3

at times, it is.recently, i have been quite troubled.


"...you have overwhelmed me with all your waves." - psalms 88:7

it's funny how i've been saying how overwhelmed i am. i really think God chose this passage for me specifically this morning.


"i call to you, O Lord, every day; i spread out my hands to you." -88:9

i'm always calling on Him. if i had a phone bill for my calls to heaven, i think it would be pretty expensive.

"But i cry to you for help. O Lord; in the morning my prayer comes before you..."-88:13

this morning, i accidently went on facebook before reading God's Word. : | i feel quite guilty but after reading these four particular verses, i feel redeemed in Him again.


i would totally put these four verses together as a short poem, just to remind myself that He is my provider, my help in times of need or peace.: | but i must not be lofty and think He was made for me. it's the other way around. God, please use me as You intended. don't let me get in the way of Your plan.

je ne sais pas.真的

What is the meaning of this
Whenever I find something out
I just shudder and shake my head
As if I can shake it out of me
That’s what I’d like to believe
It’s never going to be easy for me to ignore
What happens, eventually stays with me
I continue to walk the steps of my life
Because I believe in a greater purpose
At the moment, I feel like I’m getting swept away
I’m overwhelmed
But I am willing to pray
Only You have the power to save
My sinking boat
Lift me out of the depths of my head, Lord.

it's all cleared.

i'm so thankful that we can go back to being good friends again.: )

the irony of it all.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, cos you and I were never meant to be
I think you better leave; it’s not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on.

Alright then (Alright then) I can keep your number
for a rainy day,
That’s when its set, no mistakes no misbehaving,
I was doing so well, can we just be friends,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now; you’re as close as it gets without touching me,
Oh now don’t make it harder than it already is,
I feel a weakness coming on.



it's not your fault.i'm not too sure why it happened
the way it happened.this is by far the most shocking
experience i have ever had. it just keeps getting
more and more exciting.no kidding.

haha.the way God answers my prayers: )

yeahhhhh 100% for today's participation grade in physics of music! there were only two questions, which makes it all the better: )))))))

marteen (that's how you say it.not too sure about the spelling): "the three of us make a good team. we should sit together more."

i totally agree. marteen was sitting alone on the side with two empty seats on her sides so took the one close to the aisle.her friend john sat down on her right and we discussed the questions together during class.it's quite fun when you know at least two of your classmates in a 60-person lecture.yeah.: ) john was all dressed up (dress shirt, belt, and formal pants) because he had to go convince the police that his crossing during a red light at night wasn't faulty.haha don't know how well that will go but i hope it's not too big of a deal.it made me quite grateful that i don't have to worry about speeding or parking tickets.but i do miss driving.: |haha

alright i have class in 13 minutes.nietzsche here we go again.we have to read at least 2 more of his books before this semester ends.ah.at least "the birth of tragedy" is over.: )

morning music

"the walk" by imogen heap makes me want to dance.: ) i randomly made up two dance moves after listening to it.yep.

drinking a cup of oatmeal right now.throat was so sore this morning from a whole night of not drinking water.it's a bit better now.hopefully i can get well before the weekend haha.i want to enjoy my free time.: )i still will even if i'm still sick.as long as i don't get worse, it's fine with me.

so i finally finished my 5-page paper on how nietzsche's principles apply to modern life. it was definitely a killer. i stayed up till 3 am for the past three nights writing it.i ended up going to angel hall 3 times yesterday to get my paper edited (once was for class.the other two times were for editing.

i have to read my physics of music textbook so i'll be able to get more than half of the questions in class right today.seriously.i'm really enjoying the class, but i'm not doing super well.haha.hopefully i'll pull through this semester with an okay GPA.

giving it a shot

you know the ads you've been seeing on the right-hand bar of facebook? over the past month, i've been seeing the photography and songwriting contest ads over and over again. and now, i'm going to give it a shot and enter them! yeah i'm pretty excited.i'm going to submit everything on thursday not too sure about what i'm going to be submitting yet, but i will know by then.: ) it's totally fine not winning, i just want to have done SOMETHING with my talents after coming to michigan (because frankly, i don't feel like i've been doing anything with them). no idea.but it's time to do something brave.

blog.not lost.

i signed into my previous blog and thought i lost it for a second.thank goodness i could get back to it through michelle's blog links.: )

supposed to be doing my french hw so i can read the two nietzsche packets and START on my paper.i need to finish the paper by wed (preferably so i can get it checked over at the sweetland writing center). it's due on thursday.5 pages on nietzsche is just a...THRILLER.haha.not really.

is this where we part and go our separate ways?

no idea.maybe interacial friendships were never meant to last. i should just go find people who are EXACTLY LIKE ME. i think that would make this a whole lot easier.not sure if taking the easy way out of this is the best thing to do.i guess i still haven't found my place here.18 credits and no clubs.is this worth it?

at the end of my rope

i once said
"throw me a rope"
because i'm about to drift away
this isn't an attempt to attract attention
this is my heart and soul talking
yearning
for love and
thirsting
for God's approval and touch
not getting
what i feel i need
but isn't what we have what we really need?
yet, i am so discontent. so discontent with my life and with myself.

cruel reality

the more people you know, the more problems you'll encounter from knowing them.this is a pessimistic way to put it, but it's true.

don't get myself at all

Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

don't know what's wrong with me

i'm holding a bag of cheerios snack mix in my lap. my itunes is playing.i should be doing hw.all the work i've been complaining about doing, yet i'm not doing it.God, what is wrong with me? why am i so detached from You? from people? from myself?

why am i so selfish? why can't i step outside of myself for just one second. i can't.do this on my own.

content: )

i just came back from the bathroom, and i'm the happiest i've been out of all the times i've set foot in the women's bathroom in cooley house. i was singing in the bathroom because the acoustics are just too good for me to pass up.: ) it was great because no one was there for at least five minutes straight and i was alone with my voice resounding back to me. super content!

previously in the night,i was stressed over my lost/misplaced SD card and card reader.it kills me everytime i lose a camera element.ergh.i have yet to find it. jill (alexis's friend from spanish class) was over so i decided to let them both try taiwanese pow mien.they loved it! they were so cute sitting on the rug, pulling noodles high up into the air from a bowl. it was jill's first accomplished chopsticks experience.: ) thanks to alexis: she taught jill how to use them while i microwaved the water.

fuhan wanted to use the microwave for his canned soup so he ended up sitting in the yellow couch and midnight-snacking with us. it was a lot of fun just laughing at each other (fuhan has microwave-phobia)and i kept "drooling" on jill (chopsticks fell on her jeans, soup splattered on her sweater) so i ended up giving her two bars of hichews to make up for it.haha yeah.

music recommendations

THE WAILIN JENNYS.
"the parting glass"
"beautiful dawn"
"long time traveller"


ani di franco's "both hands" is pretty good too: )


michelle: if you could send me some wailin jennys' songs, that would be beautifully appreciated. hey would you like a michigan t-shirt? or any umich merchandise in particular???? i would love to get you some.: )

thoughts that are going through me right now

"Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held. "- Natalie Grant in "Held"



"It's like the sun is shining
When the rain is pourin' down
It's like my soul is flying
Though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine
There's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
I am strong
All because of you
I stand in awe of
Every mountain that you move
I am changed
Yesterday is gone
I am safe
From this moment on...
And there's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now." -Natalie Grant in "In Better Hands"





and here are my thoughts:

who are we to judge the weak?
what have we done to deserve luxury?
where are we heading or are we just going towards nothing
by ourselves
we are incomplete

in the night
we hope for a sunrise
but it's not always easy to come by

in this life
we expect for the sun to rise
when it doesn't
is there any reason left to find?

-tiff pan "who are we"-

R.I.P Raymond Yu

We weren't the best of friends, or even friends to begin with. But you were always around at church, nehs, or just visiting taiwan after you went to military school. i remember seeing you wearing your military suit and thinking: "wow.he's changed a lot."

2 Christmases ago, you came back and were sitting in the 11B classroom table. i went over to the table because i wanted to say hi to James Chu. you once again mistaked me for my sister, melissa. i awkwardly smiled back at you.

you used to wear this shirt with three girls playing pool on it to chuch. and you made a comment on how expensive girls clothes were because you got your whole white outfit (jacket, shirt, and pants) for a dollar only. to this day, i'm still not sure if that's true, but it doesn't matter.not anymore. i'll miss seeing you back at NEHS. i didn't get to know you too well (mostly my fault.i was so shy back then) but in the eyes of your friends and family, you will be well-rememebered as a nice guy who had the chance to walk, even though so briefly, in their lives. i was glad to have gone to the same school, church, and Godsquad with you.

Rest In Him Forever.

pick-pocketed. an almost broken toilet.

i'm starting to see the bathroom as a scary place full of trouble.i say this because, today, 11 dollars was stolen from my temporarily abandoned jeans.i'll just say that i'm grateful the person who took my bills (he/she left the change.so nay guh, seriously) didn't take my favorite espirit jeans also. i'm looking on the bright side.

it was my fault. i got back to my room at around 3 after stopping by the post office. my roommate and her friend came in 10 seconds after i did (talk about muoh chi).i wanted to change out of my jeans into my michigan sweatpants, so i went to the bathroom and accidently left my jeans in the bathroom for around 4 hours (went downstairs to the library to study). came up at around 7, and the money was gone.

just then, i went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my cup that i just drank 擂茶 in. the toilet kept flusing continuously even after the other toilet had stopped flushing. the caucasian girl gave me a quizzical look, as if i had broken the toilet flusher on purpose. i had trouble grinning as i lowered my head and continued on with my cup-washing. it was hilarious in a quiet way.haha.i prayed (yes, i actually prayed about this) that the flushing would stop. and it did 15 seconds after the other toilet stopped. so much water wasted.seriously.: | i couln't do anything about it.

my desklight is the only light that's still on in this room.roommie is sleeping.and i should be too.4 classes today.should i just skip the sexual awareness class and go to small group? seems a bit like a waste of time (they say it's mandatory but the other halls who have had it already say that they don't even take attendance). yeah.i'll think about it haha.which eventually becomes: "no, i won't be attending."i think small group is a better investment of my time.

taking a break

i've been sleeping way too late these days.but i've also been waking up late in return.

slept at 3 this morning.stayed up to accompany aisyah after fuhan religiously offended her. i showed her josh pan's videos on "reflection" and "girlfriend." she really enjoyed the intro to the first song cuz josh accidently addresses the mongolians as "malaysians." haha, i knew that would crack her up.i ended up showing her all the cool programs on macbook (photobooth, garage band, double fingers to scroll, and the dictionary).

woke up 10 minutes before 12. walked down in my furry white slippers to the cafeteria. i must say i only eat these days out of hunger and necessity. the food really isn't that great. i really dislike how even clear soup (opposite of chowder) is still so kidney-killing. salt shouldn't be used that excessively.

speaking of food, i am down to the last two packets of seaweed. on monday, i hosted a "seaweed party" and my friends nearly ate the whole pack. it's fine since i'm going back home on december 18.: ))))))) haha just the thought makes me happy.bring back more food! time is passing very quickly. it still amazes me of how big the transition is from high school (life in taiwan) to here (ann arbor, michigan). last night , after the photo scavenger hunt for AIVCF, i went to bubble tea island and joined my friends in their game of taboo. after that, we walked to the union where the "insomnia cookies" were being sold in a trailer car. the cookies were right out of the oven,so it was super hot and nice: ). we ate inside the union while a guy played piano.

it's too early to say good morning

as i sit here with only my desklight illuminating this keyboard, i wonder my night away about life and hope for the sun to rise again.

stress is a funny thing. i went to bubble island tonight at around 9:30 for a drink (my friend had a voucher for 2 drinks, get one free). i ordered something called "hot chai" ( i had trouble pronoucing it. pronunciation has been quite an issue for me today. was very hesitant about saying all the Greek characters' names during the meeting with my group members.luckily, john was there to confirm my pronunciation.)

Christian version of Terra Naomi's "Say It's Possible"

I see the lights are burning
And I look outside the stars are shining through this changing time
It could have been anything we want
It's fine
Complaining was just a passing thought
It was just a passing thought

Don't wait
Act now
This amazing offer won't last long
It's the only chance to pave the path we're on
I know there are more exciting things to talk about
But in time He'll sort it out
But in time He'll sort it out

And though they say it's impossible to me
I can see how it's probable
I see the course we're on
Spinning farther from what I know
But I'll hold on
Tell you what He won't let go
Tell you what He won't let go

And truth is such a simple thing but all these people
Keep on telling me they know what's best and what to be frightened of
But all of them are wrong
They know nothing about God
They know nothing about God

We’ll be alright(X4)

This could be something beautiful
Combine our love into something wonderful but times are tough I know
And the pull of what we can't give up takes hold.

magnetic north!

i found this song last night on you tube while i was finishing my physics of music homework. it's called "so long"-magnetic north. sooooo好聽. i love it .

just felt like sharing.

'So long since I been without you
Remember me and you were like family?
No song could ever amount to
The memories that we had, can we
Hold on though this time is borrowed?
And I'm away where you can’t always stay
Go on though I cannot follow
But I swear you’ll never hear me say
"So long."

Hard to top a simple rule, not a single thought
Though my mind’s aloof, and these shingles got but a single truth
That my life just stops when I'm missing you
Given to melancholy other days, staring at the skyline at the bay
Thought I saw your silhouette, felt the tears ‘cause I know that you’ve been dead for seven years ...'


The lyrics are so powerful and honest. the way these two artists rap is very unique. and best of all, they're asian!

i got it back.and i have learned

despite my apologetic reply to the notification email, my internet was STILL terminated for the most part of today. i actually didn't realize this until i got back from ZAS(pasta, punnini, and salad restaurant with no waitresses/waiters and self-delivered food.)

i went to HMCC (harvest) church this morning. as i was walking out, it was raining quite hard. i didn't have an umbrella, so i put on my hood from my red sweater. it was still so freezing cold walking in a short jean skirt and flip flops. thankfully, i reached the hatcher graduate library so i had temporary shelter. Tina (my sister's high school friend) led me and this other girl from Taiwan to the new location of the church (it's behind rackham, the orientation place).

i have to admit that i was a bit detached in the beginning when we were singing the first worship song. two weeks isn't that long, but i couldn't immediately get into the heart of worship right away. as the sermon began, my mind started to drift (slept too late last night), but the sermon gradually became very interesting. the speaker showed us some video clips on how Harvest has changed them (Tina was one of the people interviewed), Martin Luther King's last words during his speech (about not caring of living long because he has seen what needs to be done and he is doing it), and other Christ-promoting clips that were very well-made. At the last worship song (the first one that was sung), i was completely in-tune with God again.

not too sure about which small group to join (i was actually thinking of joining both the AIV and harvest). still thinking about it. i added a course today: RC singers! i heard them practicing last thursday and it sounded awesome! they were singing a south african song.it was truly stellar. so i'm very excited about that. now i have 18 credits.i gotta work hard. haha

after my internet got terminated, i was told to take this violation test by the school. i took it around 4 times until i got all 10 questions right.the first time was a 90%.then it just got worse until the 4th time.haha. so glad i was able to pass at all (they make it so you can't pass it easily the first time). my internet returned at around 5 pm. it was one of the cruelest lessons i have learned so far in college. NO DOWNLOADING.EVER AGAIN.

Help
I have done it again
I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me
Wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up and breathe me

Ouch
I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found

Yeah
I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe


sia, your thoughts and mine are not that different.thanks for writing this song.i appreciate it a lot.

OHHHH MYYYYYYY GOODNESSSSSS

i just received a warning notification for downloading two songs from michael buble and ingrid michaelson. they said the original producers of the song have tracked me down for illegal downloading. this is so scary. so the email said i had to reply in 24 hours or else my internet on this computer will be terminated.you know how freaky it is to receive something like that?

so i'm quite freaked out at the moment.i've replied them and have deleted my limewire for now. it's so scary.seriously.don't risk it.: | i hope i don't get fined or jailed or anything. my college life has just started! may this be a lesson to you all music-movie downloaders. DO NOT DOWNLOAD ANYTHING IN AMERICA.seriously. it's super forbidden and you're bound to get caught very VERY soon.

You breathe in me.

This isn’t aimless
I am not pointless
I have a direction
Because You have provided me with it.
I am grateful, so blessed
If it wasn’t for You
i wouldn’t pass this temptation
not everything is as wonderful as it seems
not even your most vivid dream
for the most part, it is a passing image
but You will always be a lasting presence.
In my life, I know I have made the right decision.

life here.is hard.

i would cry now, but there would be no point in doing so. as of now, i am alone. tonight, i am done with my french homework for tomorrow's class. i could be ambitious and act like i have the faintest idea where i'm heading, but i just want to sit here and fall into music.

tonight, i headed down to the league to attend the mass meeting for this a capella group called "amazing blue." over the summer, i checked up on all twelve of the a capella groups listed on the umich website. i decided this was the one i wanted. i was so wrong. maybe it's because every single member standing in the front of the room was caucasian.maybe i was just being paranoid, overly nervous, too scared of rejection. maybe. but i'll never know now because i chose to walk out of the league instead of heading to the next room to sign up for an audition. i felt more relieved after that, even though i still wanted to cry. it's not because it wasn't what i expected. it's because i am so unsure, so unknowing of everything.

today has been pretty hectic for me. i got to class an hour early, only to find myself sitting in a classroom full of people i've never even met before. i got out of the class, took a few pictures of the nature around me, went back to my dorm room. i did some homework from the writing class i'm taking.unfortunately, i left EQ too late (five minutes before class) and got to class super sweaty and nervous. this is also because today, michigan was hosting the Festifall (basically Club Fair) and i had to wedge me way through a "people mountain, people sea" section. okay, it was my fault, i admit it. since i got in last, i had the worst seat. i spent the whole hour looking at the projector from the side. i asked the teacher if i got in the class or not(still on the waitlist.i'm first though). she tells me there's no guarantee, but that i have "a good chance of getting in." i have homework due tomorrow, so i decided to risk it and buy the super expensive books anyway.all the sake of education.

after physics of music, i attempt to sign up for some clubs at Festifall. thankfully, i see the TASA stand (Taiwan American Student Association). i actually ran into two of them.hopefully they're the same thing cuz i signed up for both of them.haha.well i mostly want to meet some chinese people and get the 15% discount for the restuarants on campus.: ) right after that, i rushed into Ulrich's bookstore, grabbed my French and Pysch textbooks, and lined up behind 15 people. by the time the counter person swiped my credit card, i had 3 minutes to get to my writing seminar (Nietzsche: philosopher and psychologist). i rushed back to EQ, dropped my books on my bed, grabbed my green doraemon bag with my seminar stuff, and went downstairs (thank goodness it's on the first floor near the lobby).

yeah. it was pretty tiring just rushing from one place to another.i'm going to go play guitar now.

first day.was okay

i should be finishing my section questions on nietzsche's "birth of tragedy." i'm meeting up with my group members tomorrow night to discuss our assigned chapter, which happens to be the 3rd chapter, so i might as well read the whole thing.-.-

physics of music is pretty interesting as i expected it to be. using the "quizzdom" clicker to answer questions is quite weird, but i'll get used to it. i must approach the cafeteria food in the same manner: i will...get used to it. eventually.

french class was actually my first class today. "je m'apelle helene neu." that's my professor. she's so exuberant and passionate about french.she basically spoke in french the whole time, letting us guess her message from body language and tone. it was awesome. but now i just need to spend a lot of time to learn the language so i can actually understand what she's saying in the future. the textbooks are super expensive.arghhh.college is one big financial drain.

okay, i must go back to homework now.

so long sweet summer...

so it ends tonight. i know this sounds dramatic, but i am pretty sad that summer is ending.
the pre-college days of summer have been quite interesting.so many events on palmer field (field in front of mojo dorm) that require getting onto an inflated balloon and acting stupid (hitting each other with a long stick to get the other people off of the podium, running as far as possible while strapped onto a bounce-back harness, and climbing through a military wall-climbing course).

deciding where to eat everyday (there are only around 3 dining halls we eat at), calling each other up (even though we live in the same dorm), walking to law quad everyday and wishing i lived there (except that i'm not a graduate student studying law), and just playing silly games together.

ah i'll miss it once school starts. which is tomorrow! my first class is a writing course.ergh.originally, i didn't even want to take it.it was actually a "recommended" course. ergh. at least it's at 10.: ) well i hope i get through the first day.and the rest of the days that follow. and i hope i get into the clubs i'm interested in. i'm thinking about joining tap dancing (tap dancing in modern style. they're called "rhthym dancers" i think). but most definitely a capella.alright.class tomorrow. blog later.

more than that

when you read a good piece of writing, it will stick in your mind for years to come. never doubt that it won't. it will, for sure.

so as i listen to augustana sing "i've found my place..." inside, i'm hoping i will soon be able to sing that. the pressure of studying abroad, especially at one of the most expensive public schools in the country, is overwhelming everytime i stop in my steps and think about it. i became more aware of it after spending time around my malaysian friends because most of them are on scholarships. the pressure of finance, the declining economy and the inflation of prices (esp. oil.what's up witht that...), is almost enough to hinder me from enjoying my time here.

like every other human being who has ever had the chance to exist on this earth long enough to develop an ambition in life, i want to find my place in this world. this isn't just about getting what i want and not caring about it afterwards. it's about making a difference in the lives around me, so my life won't have been wasted.

God, i place my trust in You.

morning solitude

"Walk about Zion, go around her,
count her towers,
consider well her ramparts,
view her citadels,
that you may tell of them to the next generation.
For this God is our God for ever and ever;
he will be our guide even to the end." -Psalms 48:12-14-

God is showing me something new everyday. i never knew Psalms could be so refreshing. I used to think all the chapters in the Psalms were all the same. At times, the words would start rolling over each other, not sticking in my heart or head. I'm glad that suddenly my eyes are seeing what i've missed in the past when i read over these chapters.

course choosing dilemma

this is a poem i wrote the night before i chose my classes:


here are my options
where is my decision?
is it not present
never there when i need it
language genius? psychiatrist?
philosophy, physics of music
i never knew the two words even rhymed
business woman? advertisements?
musician, make something out of it?
how do i combine it all
into something with potential
that is my biggest question
i have it laid out in front of me
i'm just afraid to connect it
it remains. incomplete. - tiff pan

interpretive facial expressions

this is one of those spontaneous moments where i decide to do something and i do it immediately.
it's a little freaky with the lighting and effect, but just see it as an artistic creation done on first try. yeah this is just for fun. don't make anything out of it if you can help it lol. i am perfectly ane, i just had to do something weird and out of the routine.yep: )

腳酸

this morning, i got up, ate some cereal and strawberries, and went down to tyler house to choose my classes. my advisor was very patient and experienced. she recommended some courses but she was okay with it when i didn't end up taking some of the suggested courses. : ) she wanted me to take a class on the history of eastern religions. i looked at the class description and decided that i wouldn't be able to write essays and tests about all these different religions. don't know. i mean, i think religion is more of a personal thing for me. i wouldn't really want to take a class on it and be graded for it. it just makes it very formal and "out there." not that i have anything against different religions from my own.

so near 11, i caught the bus with aisyah and her roommate kristin, and we went to meijiers. we're going to be going again on friday for "meijier madness" but we figured we'd get some things first just in case it'd be too crowded with people wanting the same things. so i bought a whiteboard, black sharpies, post-it tabs, bigger envelopes in case if i need to send a bigger package, a bottle of raspberry juice and two strawberry yogurt cups. i couldn't find the liquid yogurt so i just took what i saw. i wanted to put it on top of my cereal so it wouldn't be so dry.: ) yeah

the three of us got back at around 2. we walked all the way to mosher jordan (mojo for short) and the cafeteria was closed already.so we bought some pizza at the school store right above it and ate in the lovely, legendary mojo cafeteria. some people have described it as "heaven." haha i think that's a little over, but it is very beautiful. this is the dorm i ALMOST signed up for, if it wasn't for the RC. most of the students who live in it are in engineering or science. so...no idea.

my roommate is coming over in 10 minutes. i went to go mail a parcel so i didn't have time to take a nap.ahwell.i'll take a short nap now.

tomorrow 8:40

i'm actually choosing my classes tomorrow. today was just RC orientation.nonetheless, i have a better idea on what i want to take this semester. so far i have french, physics of music (have to take a natural science credit.plus, it sounds pretty interesting), an english seminar on psychologists and philosophers (for some reason, i'm becoming quite taken with philosophy lately), and probably a calc class (for b-school next year if i get in). i'm really hoping by the end of the second year, i'll be able to travel abroad to france and actually be able to speak the language to a certain proficiency. that'd be a dream come true. i love travelling to new places, but i think being able to communicate with the local people there is even a bigger plus.

today at orientation before introducing ourselves (there were around 19 of us international students), aisyah was like: "go.sing.this is your chance."
me: "...no way.are you kidding me?"
aisyah: "just do it."
me: "...nah.it's alright."
aisyah: "see.that's why you aren't famous yet."
me: "why are you so....honest."

she has a point haha. i should be prepared to show people my talent when they ask of it. this has always been a very ambivalent subject for me. yeah, i write songs.yes, i love to sing, harmonize with others, IMPROVISE. i enjoy performing on stage or just for a small crowd of people, and even one person. it's something i really love doing, but is it something i want to take to the next level? lately, i've been watching some clips of teenage celebrities who came out when they were around 16. i can't lie: i am a little envious of their fame, their lives of opportunity. it's all out there for them and it's all happening. but then i see clips of them getting bombared by the paparazzi, and i think again: is it worth it?

i enjoy alone time. sometimes, i prefer it over hanging out with a huge group of people i don't know very well. i like the safe, the familiar. but at times, i like to do something bold and risky. like all people, i like success over failure. but that doesn't mean that i'm going to give something i'm passionate about up that easily.

now i hear my mom's voice saying: "opportunity comes to those who are prepared." guess i better be prepared all the time.: )

free morning

i'm choosing my classes at 1 PM so this morning, i got to sleep in!!! and sleep in i did.: ) for a change today, i ate an orange and finished the rest of the birthday cake alexis gave me yesterday. she said that while they were at costco, they "accidently" bought a birthday cake for no one. haha. her mom and best friend are both really nice. they invited me to their house on labor day, which is the first day of september. i'll probably go if i have nothing else planned on that day. : )

i'm going to go run some errands outside. must bring my map with me or else i'll definitely get lost. i had trouble getting to south quad yesterday even though i've been there once. i was almost there, but i thought i was going the wrong way so i walked back a street. thank goodness that i saw aisyah and bashira walking over. okay must go do first load of laundry now.

grateful

I met my roommate today! her name is alexis cook, as you probably know already from an ealier blog post. she's really nice! she treated me to dinner at chili's tonight.it was pretty fun driving in her 16-year old van out of campus. haha it's awesome to ride in someone else's car, in my opinion, but even better to drive your own.but since i don't have a car or a license in michigan at the moment, riding in other people's cars (buses included) will have to suffice.

best news ever since i got to michigan: ALEXIS HAS A GUITAR!!!we carried it in today before we went out to eat.i was metaphorically emanating joy and gratitude when she mentioned that she had a guitar in the van. : )))) looks like i'll be able to continue writing songs while i'm here. so i guess i won't have to bring my guitar here this year afterall.: ) so happy.

haha not like i'm putting the guitar over my friends. there are three people from china who helped alexis and me to move my roommate's bed down from the bunk. i'm really glad we got the room on the corner (as in, the last one down the cooley house hall 2nd floor). it's a bit bigger than the other rooms.: ) sweet.

so despite that i was a bit worried about being in east quad (rumor has it that the people here are more eccentric and individualistic) because it was co-ed and whatnot. turns out that God had it already planned out for me. i knew and still know that God always has a plan for me, but i didn't trust Him enough to provide me such a wonderful living area. i am truly grateful.

8:09 AM.dorm room

breakfast in my dorm room isn't so bad because my sister bought me a load of fruit yesterday.i'm currently eating a pluot (hybrid of a plum and an apricot).it's succulent! good thing that michigan has them.i thought it was a californian fruit. i doubt that the cefeteria is going to have them though. there are still benefits in going to school in cali.but then again, it's how you view life.; )

i think i'm still nervous about being here because these past two mornings, i've been waking up 2 hours before my alarm clock. i get up, look at my cell phone, then go back to sleep. i need to relax.seriously. i have around 21 minutes to get to the league. i think i'll read a bit of the book emily gave me for my birthday. it's called "neverwhere" by neil gaiman. every heard of it? well, he is the bestselling author of "American Gods"and "Stardust."

after reading "change of heart"

on the last page before the epilogue of the novel, there was a quote printed on the empty pages:

"There are only two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle." - Albert Einstein


i really like this quote because i fully agree with Albert Einstein: we only have one life to live. you can view it however you want to view it.

this brings me to think about eating a bowl of pho tonight by myself. it was the first time eating out by myself for a long time. my friends ate at 5, but i wasn't hungry then, so i didn't go find them. i had to go pick up my hair dryer and batteries at my sister's place after dinner anyway. it was still quite lonely eating noodles while watching a group of 8 people sit together for a wonderful dinner. : |

my lock-out created an opportunity for me to knock on my neighbor's door. it was quite funny because when i knocked, she was like: "誰! 誰!" really loudly so i said: "隔壁的!" yeah, her name is stephanie, the name i ALMOST had. she accompanied me to find the RA. thank goodness they passed us in the hallway.the RA wrote my UM id number down. i think it's the same policy we had at camp: you can't exceed 3 or more lock-outs or else you'll have to pay a penalty. at camp, it was wearing an orange (basically, different colored) lanyard to signify that you locked yourself out a multiple of times. but in college, it'll probably be a fine or community service.

okay i'm going to go shower now.hopefully there will be hot water tonight.despite that it's still summer, it gets pretty cold at night here.

1st day of orientation

the day has ended.

i would post some pictures but i haven't figure out how to download pictures using a cable cord. i'm going to ask my dad when my parents come back from shanty creek in two days. i threw away the last four strawberries because they started growing mold.gross, eh? the blueberries are fine still. my malaysian friends are eating at south quad, but i'm just too tired to walk there right now.i'm not very hungry right now. so i'm just going to stay in my room and eat blueberries. : )

orientation was pretty good today. there was the "stand up when your country is called" opening, hilarious skit of the international student coming to umich.the mother was so good! "no pressure, no pressure!" (after naming all the members of the family depending on the father's income).

i dropped by my sister's apartment at around 3 today because i didn't have to check-in with an international passport. stayed there and watched "my sweet 16." it's one of the most ridiculous shows i've ever watched.seriously.it's even worse than "the real oc." haha it's around the same type of show though.rich people's lives.[shakes head]. my sister poured me a cup of soymilk while i was there.made me really miss taiwanese soybean milk.: |

walked through the fountain in front of the Michigan League. it was really cool and nice because it's super hot today. i took pictures as i walked through : ). it's tradition to walk through it on orientation because you're walking towards the campus. but when you graduate, you have to walk back from the opposite direction towards Michigan League in your hat and robe. pretty neat, huh.

i think this is the most i've walked in a long time. finally sweated today! i was getting scared that i'd get sick if i kept not sweating. it's a big difference really, taiwan and michigan. but i think it's starting to become more familiar.

room 240.alone.but will cope.

honestly, after reading josh hwang's note on facebook, i'm starting to wonder if my orientation week will be THAT exciting.haha.well, first of all, i need to meet some people in my dorm first. i'm all moved in right now, but i'm all by myself. my roommmate hasn't come in yet because she's from michigan so her move-in day is later. orientation starts tomorrow at 8 am so it's not like i can sleep too late tonight.

eating dinner by myself tonight. i was hoping to go eat with some of the people in the dorm.looks like i'll have to gather up my courage and knock on the door next door.haha.so this is quite new for me. i mean, the longest i've ever lived in a dorm was at camp 4 years ago.even back then, i had friends from nehs. now, i don't have anyone.i wish i had at least one friend i could go meet people with.but since i don't, i'll stop wishing for the impossible.

i bought some cards today at meijiers (it's the "target" store of michigan). i should go locate the post office on my way back from dinner tonight. i also have to look up where orientation is tomorrow.ahhh i have to do everything myself now.this is quite overwhelming. God, please give me a hand here.

move-in

i shut my super fat suitcase up already. beside me are two bagged apples my mom and i took from the hotel breakfast place. on the other side are two bottles of water we bought from Rite-Aid. i sit here, waiting for move-in.

my mom wants me to eat a chewable vitamin the size of a quarter. it tastes kind of like iron.just kidding, it's just a little sour. i tell her that it tastes hai how because she asks. it still tastes like medicine.

when i finish moving in, i'll write another blog post. till then, this is all i can put down into this box.

5: 06 AM.hotel bathtub.

i woke up at 4 and i can't get back to sleep.i guess there was a reason why i named my macbook "dawn." originally it was to symbolize "the dawn of new things, of great happenings and creations," but now it also represents my early waking.

heading north to canada today. two-day trip to niagra falls! i should be more excited. it seems like currently, my homesickness is sapping all my energy and life from me. i don't even have dreams when i sleep anymore. i'll try to get over it in the meantime.

life being what it is

ate at olive garden tonight with my family and jerry and his parents. it was pretty good!: ) i ordered a meal called "tour of italy" which consists of lasagna, fettucini, and a piece of bread-crusted chicken. i shared with my mom and we still couldn't finish it completely.crazy sized meals here. : 0

i love the breadsticks though.i still have a few more in this take-out bag for later. i keep "starving" these days because i don't have food stored up in this hotel room. i basically just sleep during the afternoons. not much to do here..yet. and i still feel jetlagged for some reason. going to birch run tomorrow.it's an outlet mall.going to buy my running sneakers there and maybe take a run on the treadmill tomorrow night.: ) i think running will make me feel more at home haha. i'm also getting my M-card (basically ID card) and my bank account tomorrow! pretty exciting.

got my cell phone today at T-mobile. it's black and orange.pretty slick and easy to use. and it's almost midnight here but i think i'll stay up a bit because i slept on the way back from Jerry's house too (it's an hour away from the hotel). yeah. i had no idea i could sleep so much.no, really.

8:39 AM

waiting to go to church. jerry is picking us up soon.then to the mall to get me a cell phone.more like add a line under mel's t-mobile account.every place has it's "better" cell phone brand.and for michigan, it's t-mobile. then probably get some lovely california roll for lunch: ))))) haha.okay that's one thing i'm looking forward too.i'll probably try to buy a thicker jacket that i can wear here. this morning, my family and i were walking outside of the hotel.it felt like we were in an air-conditioned room.around 22 degrees celcius.haha it's cold here in the morning and night. pretty sunny during the day though.

i think i'll go read my book until we go.not much to do at the moment.oh yeah, the medley race for women and men was so exciting to watch. phelps was amazing (as always)! and dara torrez was super super fast.she was almost going to catch up with australia but it was a bit of distance.it was a good match nonetheless.: )

Hotel Room 113

sitting here in front of this mirror listening to "gone"-nsync. had my first dinner on the umich campus today. it was pretty decent. asian-spiced western food. salmon was still my favorite. probably cuz it reminds me of how my mom makes it.i'm really missing the food. for example, for lunch (actually ate at 2:30 today), my sister and Jerry bought McDonalds for us. even after eating a big mac, i was still so hungry. i can only say that my hunger here is different than the hunger i get in taiwan. i'm hungry for taiwanese food. it's not that the food here isn't filling, believe me it is, but it just isn't satiating my appetite.weird huh? well i guess i just have to get used to it.must find a way to make my life start here. God, i pray that i will follow You closely.

maybe i'll watch some grey's anatomy later.or finish "change of heart"-jodi picoult. i actually slept a lot today, but for some reason, i feel like sleep is my ultimate refuge from adjusting at the moment. i don't even have dreams when i sleep. it's like my brain is refusing to accept that i'm finally in michigan. i'll learn to get used to it. meanwhile, i'm missing taiwan.

is it time to cry yet? i don't feel anything. i was a bit reluctant to leave my room this morning. i'm going to miss the many pictures and posters i have spent years rearranging.: | but most of all, i'm going to miss living at home. 6 months in snow is quite a challenge for a person who has never lived in a place that snows. i'm definitely moving out to california after undergrad. haha.

can't believe it's actually happening. it's here. not tomorrow.today is the day i leave for three months after living in taiwan for 12 years. my family is sitting next to me on these cushoined yellow waiting chairs. it's almost time to board.i shall close dawn now. next post, i'll be in michigan, my new home.

最後一天

i still love this picture. wish we had more time to hang but we did have the past 6 years (which we didn't use well!!!!!). but they're the kind of neighbors that i can pick up with anytime. i'll miss seeing them randomly around the neighborhood though.:

going to nova in a bit to install a few more programs and to buy keyboard protectors (the bad thing about white macbooks is that they get dirty very easily). yeah i'll be back later to enjoy the rest of my afternoon.finish packing.ah sigh.

say it's possible

"Don't wait.
Act now.
This amazing offer won't last long
It's only a chance to pave the path we're on
I know there are more exciting things to talk about
And in time we'll sort it out
And in time we'll sort it out.

And truth is such a funny thing with all these people
Keep on telling me they know what's best and what to be frightened of
And all the rest are wrong
They know nothing about us
They know nothing about us

And though they say it's possible to me
I don't see how it's probable
I see the course we're on
Spinning farther from what I know
I'll hold on
Tell me that you won't let go
Tell me that you won't let go."

such a good song! it's by terri naomi. i heard this song quite awhile ago and thought it was pretty awesome. but for some reason, i didn't download it. i thought she was just a normal (as in, not famous) girl youtubing a song that she wrote. turns out that she has already put out two albums. this song is from her second album "Under the Influence."

a visit from a cali family friend : )

this is joseph from fremont, cali (where we used to live for around 6 years) with the family.: )

just the three of us. wish christine and william came also.
the finished image of a drunken cup of coffee.

so it was a good time seeing joseph again after three years. he came for the TTC internship for EECS (electrical engineering computer science) related work. he was here for a little more than a month. he came to taipei at around the time mel got back from italy and is leaving this sunday, one day after us. pretty neat timing.

it was quite a casual meet-up. i IM-ed him two nights ago and we decided that he'd come for dinner tonight. he rode the high-speed train back and got to taipei the same time we got back from chubei. so insanely fast i must say.: )

hopefully, next summer, mel and i can really go on a road trip in california. haven't been back in 3 years! i used to hold the place as my first home( afterall, it was the place i spent my first six years) and would always try to imagine what it'd be like if i went to gomes, hopkins, and missions. i think i would be quite different in personality and interests. no idea why, but i just think that california and taiwan (despite that both places have asians as the majority) are very different environments to grow up in. i'm glad i moved back at an early age because i wouldn't have been able to experience taiwan as i have been able to in these past 12 years. i'm grateful for everything that has happened here for me, but i'm also glad that a new change is coming so soon. i always wondered what it'd be like to live in america, to actually go to school there. now is my chance to see what it's all about and discover more about myself.

hooray!!! i got to drive on the road today!

happy!: )

hooray

random tidbits from the past

i remember my dad telling me that he'd buy me an ipod shuffle if i did well on my midterms. i don't think i did extremely well, but my dad still bought it for me.: )

i used to draw metoyou bears for people. this one never got to the person. he was a friend i met at camp 4 years ago. i wrote the address wrong but it never came back to me. at least i took a picture of it.yep.

another one for mel. super cute. i should have saved a few for myself. i'll draw more! haha.maybe when i come back for Christmas.

Chinese New Year's in Malaysia!: ) i think you may find this familiar.

yeah that's about it. summer leaves me with very little to post about.i get the whole afternoon to myself today. no idea what i'm going to do.probably continue reading "the grapes of wrath." and "change of heart"-jodi picoult.i love reading during the summer.it's so relaxing.

another tribute to lucky.you're just too cute to forget.

eyeing the object of prey: an orange slice.

swiping a paw at it.

gotcha!

好吃!

still miss lucky. but like everyone else on earth, his time here was only temporary. like our's. must get on with life, don't you think?

DONE WITH DRIVING CLASS

haha i couldn't be more relieved. it's been quite irritating to have to wake up at 8 every morning for the past 3 weeks. i can sleep in again! even though it's only for a few days. basically start school on the 21st.so soon!


i am very grateful and happy that i passed. soph and i kept exchanging nervous grins after each name was called (four people didn't pass : |). i get my license on wed. so excited!

i have yet to find my sunglasses. why does everything disappear over time!? i think it's just me. i'm too disorganized. -|||-. from looking at past pictures, i must say that i have turned quite girly in comparison. it's weird. i never thought i'd be the girly type.but i guess everyone grows up eventually.

reminscent.yet hopeful

here' the day i hoped would never come...
.....leaving taiwan.

and as the clouds come down to the ground...
...so does my time here ebb away.

last sunday

the last of everything.

today was my last sunday at victory church for awhile. saw lots of people and hugged them all goodbye. talked to two of my small group friends. the small group leader's wife is having a baby soon!: ) i'm always happy to hear about such things.

i saw melody today! she's been in canda for the past two years.i've really missed seeing her at church over all this time. so glad i caught her today. she said that now that she's back, she's not quite used to the pace of living here anymore. i'm pretty sure that's how it's going to be for me from here on. back and forth.fast and slow. heavy and light. cheese and soy sauce. wow.it's a big difference. but nonetheless, it's a good chance to grow more mature and knowing of life and of people.

when it all comes down to it, God is the only one who will always be with me. people come and go. relationships begin and end (but hopefully, they continue). time will pass me by, but God will still be by my side even after the storm fades.

i have my driving test tomorrow (for real) at 7:30 tomorrow morning. shall study the afternoon away and finish "persuasion"-jane austen. it is a really good book once you get past the slow beginning.i like her novels because the pace of the story is really how a romantic relationship be: slow but steady.

goodbye to you : \

today, i said goodbye to both sets of grandparents for three months. and all of my relatives too, but i think i'll miss my grandparents more because i see them a lot more. i'll miss my aunt "goo goo" the most out of all my aunts and uncles because she's just so generous and fun to be with.she has an awesome fashion sense too so shopping with her is cool.: )

when i think about leaving, it still seems a bit far-off because it's something i've never had to do. i spent my 1st grade- 12th grade all in the same school. i don't know how to leave, to make a closure to things. i've moved ONCE in my life and i was too young to really feel the dramatic changes of it. now, i'm old enough, and even though i've been expecting and attemping to brace myself for it, I CAN'T SEEM TO FEEL IT YET. today, as my nai nai planted a super wet kiss on my cheek, i could have cried then.but i didn't. i waved goodbye and got on the car.just like that. i remember turning my head back to look at my ah mah before crossing the street. i wanted to capture my ah mah's smiling face to keep me warm in the winter months of michigan. but still, memory can only so so much. seeing people in person is still something irreplaceable. i'll miss taiwan. i'll miss my family in taiwan.but i have to leave taiwan.and all the goodness and the jay-walking, smelly sewers, 50 lan, wonderfully delicious food i just can't give up so fast. but i must learn to let go.

the thought just occurred to me today. many people have been asking me what i'm planning on majoring in. my answer is always: "i'm still thinking about it." because honestly, I DON'T KNOW YET. well as i got out of the shower and was wiping myself with a towel, i thought: "hey. i know what i'm interested in. i have the ideas, the creativity, and the passion.but i don't have the skills.but isn't that why i'm going to college for? or else what would be the point if i knew how to do everything already? AH HOW COME I FIGURED THIS OUT SO SLOWLY?!" so, now, i'm still not too sure which direction i should be heading in. should i stick with advertising?learn the computer skills in college. get my ideas in gear.and go for it? God, what is Your plan for me?